


It Is What It Is

by wordwhisper



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Angst, Famous!Louis, Fluff, M/M, Ordinary!Harry, and lots of Zarry friendship, mentions of violence and abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-28
Updated: 2013-10-23
Packaged: 2017-12-24 22:08:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 66,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/945226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordwhisper/pseuds/wordwhisper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry is a boy who has no choice but to sell his body to be able to survive and who has given up on love long ago as he has never experienced anything but hurt by other people while Louis is a spoiled son of rich parents who hates his life and hides the overwhelming feeling of being empty inside behind a carefully built, loud and confident façade. His life is run by three simple rules: Never complain, never show what you feel and never refuse a challenge. When he meets Harry he is the first person to break down all of his walls completely without even trying, but he is already promised to somone else and has his own, very simple rule he isn’t allowed to break: Never fall in love with one of your clients. Despite everything Louis decides to fight for the one thing he never thought he would get, the beautiful boy with the gorgeous green eyes, a fight that soon isn’t just a fight for Harry’s heart but for his life, too…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first chaptered AU I post here so I'm quite nervous about it, because this has accompanied me for a long time and has kind of become my baby in all those weeks I've written it. Even though I've corrected it several times now there might still be little grammar mistakes so please be gentle :) ! Thank you for every single one who reads this and leaves a comment\kudo. Title from "It Is What It Is" by Lifehouse, which also inspried this story (and is a really good song in general)

It was ironic really and maybe exactly what he deserved.

Louis couldn’t even remember a time where he had been allowed to feel comfortable in his own skin, to be happy for what he did, so his father’s decision to make him the heir of his hotel empire on the day of his twentieth birthday was just one more incident, one more step to what his life was bound to become. It didn’t necessarily change anything, neither the way he viewed himself nor the way other people treated him, it only made his affiliation in this world official, a world he hated with all of his heart despite everything it had given to him.

Louis knew that he should be grateful, grateful not to have to worry about anything and to be able to life everyone envied him for, but he wasn’t. Of course he liked parts of it, the comfort he got from being a son of rich parents, the friends he had made during this time, the fact that he didn’t have to think twice if he wanted to buy something or go on a spontaneous short trip over the weekend and the way the girls swooned as soon as they saw him just because of his last name, but it wasn’t enough. It had never been enough.

It was easier to play along during the days when everyone was busy and a quick smile or charming remark was enough to ensure them that he was what they had expected, a young, good-looking member of the upper class, ready to take on the world as soon as his father handed his business over to him, charming with the women, polite with the paparazzi constantly following him and good at serious conversations as well at light small talk whenever one or the other was necessary. He had learned to hide what he really thought and what he really felt behind a carefully built façade of ready smiles, sassy comments and loud jokes, a façade everyone, male and female alike seemed to love as soon as they met him.

They fell so easily for it that it made him want to cry out, to scream at them, tell them how stupid they were for accepting everything so readily without even bothering to think about it. Sometimes he felt like he was on the edge of snapping completely, the urge of just doing something so stupid, so inacceptable that it would make his parents kick him out, free him from the chains that were keeping him on this inevitable road towards his future, becoming almost too strong to control. Louis took it as another sign of his complete inability to be brave and to stand up for what he wanted that he hadn’t given into it yet.

It was more secure to just keep it the way it was, to put up walls made of meaningless laughs, faked joy and false confidence around him and to hide everything that made him vulnerable inside where no one could reach it. If he could wish for something on this birthday, it would be something he couldn’t buy with money, something he would probably never get, because he had never let anyone near enough to him for it to be able to form: Love.

Not the love he got from the countless girls with tight dresses and too much make up on their faces, not the love from his relatives, who didn’t even know who he really was, not the love of his friends, which was nice, reassuring and definitely something he was very grateful for, but still not what he wanted. He would wish for a love so strong, so forceful that it would sweep away all of his barriers in a matter of seconds, a love that would make him feel completely out of control and totally secure at the same time, a love that would enable him to be everything he was too afraid to be now, accepting of who he really was and not of who he tried to convince everyone he was, a love that would make him fight and a love that would make him a winner even if he lost everything else around him for it.

A love that would finally make him proud of the person he saw in the mirror now, the guy with the brown hair and the cold, blue eyes in a Lavin suit.

So when he was sitting opposite his friends, Niall and Liam, in a small bar somewhere at the outskirts of London three hours later raising his glass towards their faces already flushed with alcohol he prayed for the first time it what felt like forever. He prayed for this wish to come true, for someone to save him from this mess he didn’t want to cope with anymore, for this kind of love to drag him out of it and push him forward into something better, something he would actually be able to enjoy.

“A toast to our birthday boy, who finally left his teen years behind for a much better period of his life and who most definitely is London’s most desired bachelor at the moment!”

Niall grinned at him with the kind of open, tooth showing grin he always had when he started to get tipsy, klicking his glass against Louis’ a little too forcefully while Liam patted his shoulder lightly.

“Seriously mate, live it up. We’re going to make this the night of your life, no matter if you want it or not. There’s no way we’ll leave your birthday and the fact that you are the official heir of your father’s hotel empire now uncelebrated!”  
Louis could feel his stomach cramp a little at the mention of his new title, but he managed to cover it up with an especially broad smile. This was the one thing he was good at after all: Pretending to feel something he didn’t feel. Meet expectations. Be happy.

“Alright why don’t we get this started then? This bar is getting boring and the drinks are far too expensive here anyway. I suggest we find some shop to get a few supplies before we continue to make this a unforgettable night for our boy.”, Niall said after drowning the remnants of his drink and putting the glass back on the table.

“Sounds good. The music isn’t really my thing either.”, Louis quickly agreed, already on his way to get his coat from the chair beside him, only too happy to be able to get out of the air smelling like smoke, cheap drinks and overall too much like the posh parties he hated so much, “and I don’t care what we do as long as we are together. I don’t need much else to make this birthday perfect.”  
“You’re still far too sober if you can even think about sappy sentences like this.”  
“Really, we need to get more alcohol and get it quick.”, Liam snickered, throwing his arm around Louis shoulder. Niall followed them, a little unsteady on his feet, but beaming nonetheless. In moments like this Louis could almost forget why he complained at all. He loved his friends with everything he had and even though it wasn’t the kind of love he had wished for earlier it seemed like more than enough right now when they stepped into the cold night air, bodies close together to keep themselves warm during the short walk. It was something so natural that neither of them had to think about it after the three years during which they had learned almost everything about each other, every secret, every single detail of what they liked or didn’t like and shared all of their dreams, all of their experiences with each other. Their friendship was probably the most genuine thing Louis had ever experienced in his life so when he had been faced with the decision of spending the evening on an expensive dinner party with his parents or going out with his friends he hadn’t even thought about it for a second.

It didn’t take them long to find a little shop with smeared walls and a too bright-colored sign where they could buy the alcohol to keep them going for the rest of the night. Out of reasons he didn’t understand himself at that point Louis decided to stay outside while Liam and Niall went in to get the bottles and leaned against one of the benches in front of it, suddenly feeling incredibly tired now that nobody was there to watch him or talk to him.

All the energy he had put into the conversations, into keeping up his façade was slowly fading as he closed his eyes for a brief moment to regain his composure, to find the carefree, celebratory side of him he was supposed to display now being a freshly named, twenty year old heir of a huge business on his birthday. He didn’t know how long he stood there, just letting the soft, deliciously cool wind caress him where it met his skin and listening to the sound of his slow breaths, but when he opened his eyes again he saw a figure standing on the street not far away from him, softly lit by the light of the street lantern beside him.

It was a boy, his body barely covered in black skinny jeans sitting tightly on his legs and a thin, white V-neck Shirt that didn’t leave much of his long torso to the imagination. He was young, around eighteen maybe and he was beautiful. Absolutely, breathtakingly beautiful, so beautiful that he seemed almost surreal in the dim, yellow light of the street with his skin that had the color of exquisite porcelain, the weavy, blown-out curls and big eyes that came up to meet Louis’ gaze now for a few seconds before looking away again.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he realized that he should stop staring, but he just couldn’t draw his gaze away from those delicate hands fiddling with his T-Shirt or the perfect line of his legs, which would have put any girl to shame. It felt more than unfamiliar to be so out of control, so completely entranced by something, especially if it was a person he hadn’t even met before and that he didn’t know anything about. Maybe it was the effect of the drinks he’d had in the bar or the strange atmosphere of this place in general that made his head feel too light, spinning around in a strange way.

It was only when another guy walked up beside him in a strangely intimate kind of way that Louis began to realize who he had been staring at so intently, but he didn’t really understand it entirely until the guy pulled out a few bills to show them to the boy in front of him.

For a few moments he just kept staring, his breath caught in his throat without him noticing and his eyes widened in disbelief. It just didn’t seem possible that this gorgeous boy with the face of an angel would be doing something like that, the complete opposite of what his outward appearance led everyone to think. Suddenly Louis desperately wanted his friends to hurry up with their shopping so he wouldn’t have to see anymore of this.

They talked for a few moments before the boy shook his head lightly, causing the other guy to frown, but he didn’t object. Without another word he pocketed his money and made his way across the street while the boy sighed and leaned back against the lantern, running a hand over his face in a tired gesture.

“What kind of…whoa alright I think I like where this is going!”  
“What?”  
The sound of Niall’s voice directly in front of him snapped Louis out of his trance immediately. When he turned around they were both already grinning at him with a knowing expression on their faces, full bottles of vodka and beer in their hands.

“You just stared at this pretty male prostitute for at least the last two minutes from what we can tell after we walked out of the shop.”  
“I didn’t…”

“There’s nothing wrong with that!”, Liam quickly interrupted him, “in fact it might make our mission to give you the best birthday of your life even easier.”  
“I don’t think you understand me here, I didn’t…”  
“Lou just stop the rambling will you? We are trying to give you what you deserve and as strippers are incredibly boring after a few birthday parties so I think this is definitely worth a try especially given the fact that he is really hot, even I can see that.”  
“You are so not going to do that!”

“You can bet on it! Already on my way.”  
Louis watched in horror as Niall casually walked up to the gorgeous boy beside the street lantern and talked to him with gesticulating hands and the most charming smile he could manage in his already tipsy state. The boy looked over to them briefly, his eyes locking with Louis’ once more before a little grin began to play around the corners of his mouth.

Liam had gone to join Niall on his mission and all Louis could do was to stare at the space in front of his feet and wait for his friends to get what they wanted. Maybe the boy would turn them down like he did with the other guy. Maybe he would be the first one not to fall for Louis’ looks. Maybe he would have a little pity with him.

His fingers began to play with the hem of his hoodie and he almost thought his assumptions had been right, but the moment he heard a dark, husky voice directly in front of his ear Louis knew his wish hadn’t been granted. He lifted his gaze to be met with the most stunning, most expressional, most beautiful pair of green eyes he had ever seen. They had already been quite impressive from the distance, but now Louis felt like he was about to drown inside them, their intense, dark color sucking him in completely in a way he had never experienced before.

For a quick moment he wondered when he had become so easy to get that all it took was a long look into his eyes to make him forget any rationality and to loose himself in something he hadn’t even realized he wanted before.

“Are you just going to stare at me all night?”

The boy’s lips were pulled into a smirk, full, tempting and unusually dark as if they had been kissed too much.

“Look actually I don’t have anything to do with this. My friends obviously thought it was a cool idea for my birthday, but I’m not quite sure if I agree.”  
“Are you trying to tell me that you don’t want me?”, the boy asked, still smiling and his voice full of amusement now.

“No, I…”  
“Good. What’s your name?”  
“Louis.”

“I’m Harry and I’d say we’re in for a good night.”

Everything else Louis might have wanted to say was drowned out when lips met lips, fingers met heated skin and fire met fire.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Harry dealing with the consequences of their night together...

There were only three rules, simple but extremely effective: Never show what you feel, never complain about anything and most importantly never fall in love with one of your clients.

They were the first words Harry had heard when he had entered this constant struggle that had become his life. He couldn’t remember exactly how he ended up where he was, maybe because it just didn’t matter to him anymore in hindsight, but there were a few things that stood out among everything he had experienced: A warm room with a man offering him tee on the day it had all started, a dark, dimly lit street and the first pair of lips on his, uncomfortable, strange and making him want to scream for help. When they had told him the rules those things had already been behind him and he had slowly begun to give into his fate.

The man had been intimidating, strong and muscular, his head shaved and his dark, piercing eyes on Harry in a way that had his hands trembling and palms getting sweaty while he had desperately tried to hear what had been said above the frightened beat of his heart. Harry hadn’t even noticed that another boy had watched him the whole time until he had heard him laugh from where he was leaning against the doorframe of the room.

He could still remember the exact sound of it, not mean more surprised and genuinely amused. Back then he hadn’t understood why, but he could clearly imagine it now. He must have looked so completely out of place in that room in his T-Shirt that was a little too big for him, his shoes that were dirty from the streets and still shivering from the encounter with the man who would become his boss. The boy had come over to talk to him after that, his voice so much softer, so much more comforting than the one he had been forced to listen to before that Harry had started to cry despite all his efforts not to do so. His name had been Zayn and he had been intimidatingly beautiful in Harry’s eyes, almost too beautiful to be real with his perfect cheekbones, the exotic black of his eyes and hair and his long eyelashes.

They had quickly become friends at least to the extent that was possible in this kind of environment they were trapped in and Zayn had offered him to move into his room until he could afford his own. _**Due to their constant closeness there he had become some kind of teacher for Harry, telling him how to deal with certain situations like drunken clients or ones that clearly meant to hurt him.**_ On their first working day together Zayn had made him strip down to his boxers to test him on his skills of being seductive and that was the second time Harry had heard him laugh at him. This time he had known why, he had been able to see it himself. He had really been ridiculous with his seventeen years, not even fully grown into his adult form yet, everything slightly too big, too awkward, the last remnants of puppy fat softening his body around his hips and tummy and his curls giving him an air of complete childish innocence that was the complete opposite of what he was supposed to become now. He had felt more embarrassed in this moment than ever before being so exposed under Zayn’s laughing eyes.

Now, two years later he had changed so completely that he barely recognized himself. His body had finally become the lanky and desirable body of a grown up man with curvy hips, a slender waist and muscular stomach and arms, but the even bigger change had taken place inside of him where nobody noticed it. During the time Harry had passed in this life he had learned to hide everything that was precious to him behind walls of self-control and confidence and to leave all feelings inside of him where no one could hurt them.

Feelings weren’t allowed in what he was doing, they were pure luxury he couldn’t and didn’t want to afford so he had gradually managed to separate between himself and his body that he didn’t own anymore. At first it had been incredibly difficult and he had felt so utterly disgusted with himself after some nights that he had spent the early morning hours vomiting over the toilet next to their room, physically trying to clean himself from this feeling before collapsing on his mattress, drawn out and completely exhausted. It wasn’t only the physical side, it was the emotional, the psychological side of it as well that had taken him a long time to accept. He had partially lost his status of being a real human being and become an object instead that could be used whenever someone felt like it. Even after all this time it was strange to see red, aggressive marks on his body when he changed for the night, a body that wasn’t much more than a toy for people who felt like owning it for a few hours.

“You didn’t come home last night.”

Zayn’s voice was quite behind him while he put a soft hand on his shoulder, his gaze studying his features in the mirror in front of them where Harry was getting ready to leave for the night.

“You didn’t get into a fight or something else I should be worried about, did you?”  
Harry laughed, but it was cold, humorless.

“I don’t think there is anything worth worrying about anymore after all this time in this mess we are living in. I wouldn’t even care if I died.”  
“Feeling especially cheerful today are we?”

“Why should I?”  
“I don’t know. Maybe because of the guy you got yesterday.”, Zayn said quietly, drawing away from him to sit on his own mattress, “A few of the other boys have seen you with him and they have seen that you didn’t take any money for what you did. They told me he was really hot, which is apparently what you thought, too.”  
“What would it change if I did? I won’t see him again.”  
Harry turned around to face him now, his eyes so sad that it almost physically hurt Zayn to see his friend like this. He hadn’t shown himself this openly vulnerable since his first few months where he had still struggled immensely with everything, innocent and new to the tough world he had been thrown in.

“I know, I just wanted to warn you. Obviously they have talked to our boss and he wasn’t very happy with you giving yourself away for free to the first good-looking stranger passing by.”  
“Why does that concern him? It’s my job to do this after all isn’t it?”  
“Yes, but that’s the point. You get money for a job.”  
“Since when does he control even that? It’s me who won’t have anything to eat if I continue like this, not him. It’s me, who will suffer, not him. It’s always been me so why does he suddenly care now?”  
The sadness in Harry’s had been replaced by anger now, mouth pressed into a thin line. He wouldn’t have been able to tell why he reacted like that at least not until he let himself consider the fact that Zayn may have been right after all. What he had done really hadn’t been normal, not even a little bit. He shouldn’t have refused the payment Louis’ friends had offered him for it. He should have acted far more professional than he had. What he had done was dangerous, more than dangerous and he understood that, but it didn’t change the fact that it had happened or the fact that he had liked it more than he should have, mostly because had been so completely different from anything else he had experienced so far.

Louis hadn’t been demanding or rough, he had been hesitant, almost shy, fingers barely touching Harry sometimes and it had triggered something inside him he couldn’t explain and didn’t want to explain. What he did wasn’t meant to be enjoyable, it was meant to pay for his expenses, nothing else.

“Why did you do it?”  
The question wasn’t judgmental, just genuinely curious, voice soft and understanding, dark eyes still watching him intently.

“I don’t know to be honest. He was hot I guess, but that has never been a reason for me to refuse to be paid for what I do. It was his birthday and maybe that was why I felt a little generous or it just was the challenge of getting someone so seemingly innocent, I really have no idea.”  
“We can’t change it now, but I advise you to be wiser next time. Our boss won’t let you get away with it so easily if you do it again.”  
Harry rolled his eyes while he put on a T-Shirt so that they could leave for the night.

“It’s not like I’m in love or something so just relax.”  
“Who said anything about being in love?”  
“You are so difficult sometimes, you know that? Let’s just get going please before someone comes to remind us that we aren’t here to talk to each other.”  
Zayn sighed, slowly getting up to join Harry on his way out of the room.

“Just be careful.”  
“I will.”  
Later that night when eager lips pressed onto his and teeth dug into the thin skin next to his collarbone he closed his eyes to long, delicate fingers, soft warmth and waves of dark, suffocating blue.

***

“I reckon you don’t have an explanation for this, do you?”  
It took Louis a moment to process what was happening when a magazine was thrown next to him on the bed with a muffled sound as he slowly opened his eyes, still a little unfocused from sleep, to the sight of his father standing in his room, watching him with a clearly displeased expression. Frowning he reached beside him to where the magazine must have landed and took it to be able to look at the cover. Apart from the usual celebrity gossip there was a photo on the bottom of the page that immediately caught his eye just as it must have caught his father’s eye when he had seen it: It was blurry due to the bad lighting of the street it had been taken in, but still clear enough to make out the most prominent features of his face as well as the dark green hoodie he had been wearing on his birthday party two days ago. The figure of another boy dressed in black skinny jeans and a white T-Shirt covered the rest of it while he leaned over with his lips firmly pressed to his in a rather heated kiss from what the photo showed.

It was not that Louis hadn’t expected it, it was just strange that it happened now after two days he had mostly spent desperately trying to forget what had happened on that night. He should have known by now how eager the paparazzi were to get their scandal to fill the pages of their magazines, especially when they could have it from one of the most popular bachelors of London’s high society, the heir of a hotel empire and infamous party goer. All it took was a single careless moment, a few seconds forgetting who he was and what it meant and it would be all over the tabloids in no time. Of course it was not as bad as it was with people who were even more famous, but he should have learned to take it into account that he could be photographed at everything he did by now so seeing the picture wasn’t exactly a surprise, at least not for him.

“I’m still waiting for your answer. Take your time.”  
Louis rubbed a hand over his face, placing the magazine beside him on the pillow.

“I don’t have one.”, he finally said when he dropped his hand to face his father again, sounding more defeated than he thought he would, “It was just a stupid idea my friends had for my birthday. They saw him standing in front of a shop we went into and apparently asked him to give me some sort of special “surprise”. It’s what friends do, I suppose, just like when they hire strippers for your birthday as a joke. It wasn’t meant to be that big of a deal.”  
“Not that big of a deal? My son is on the front page of one of London’s most-read gossip tabloids with a prostitute, a male one on top of that, and you’re honestly trying to tell me that this is nothing?”  
“I know, we just didn’t think about it. We tried to have a good time, that’s all.”  
“You have to learn to be more responsible than that. I understand that you want to have fun and let loose sometimes, especially on your birthday although I’d prefer it to be in a more cultivated kind of way, but you are the heir of an empire now. When I retire you’ll own hotels all over Great Britain and you have to learn to act according to this role you’ll have to fulfill no matter if you like it or not.

I don’t want to take the experience of growing up from you or to forbid you to make mistakes, because that’s just not possible. You are human just like anyone else and every human being makes mistakes. I just want you to at least keep them private.

If you consider it to be important for your growing-up experience to sleep with prostitutes I don’t like it, but I accept it as your choice as long as you do it quietly and where no one can see it. It’s not even about a fact that it’s a boy or about what he does, it’s about the fact that you kissed him like a perfectly appropriate date in the middle of a London street where you were absolutely bound to get caught.”

“Yes, I know that’s the only thing I have ever heard as long as I can remember. I’m not allowed to lead the life I want or to be an actual flesh-and-blood human being with flaws and bad days. I’m supposed to hide all the parts of me the public wouldn’t like to see behind the safety of these walls and be the perfect, smiling, good-looking young man they themselves don’t have the discipline to be as soon as I get onto the street. That’s the essence of it, isn’t it?”  
“You’re not in the position to talk like this right now, not until I have found a way to explain this.”, his father grabbed the magazine forcefully to wave it around in front of Louis’ face, “to the reporters, who are already waiting for me to say what a spoiled, hopeless cause my son is and that I will disinherit him. And you know what? Maybe they are right. Maybe I should really teach you a lesson after this. But for the time being I just demand the respect I deserve as your father and as your boss. You have duties now, responsibilities and you’re not running away from them anymore.”  
Louis had rarely seen his father so furious, so cold and so completely in his role of a business man in front of him before. His voice was shaking, clearly showing that the shock of seeing his son doing something like that had gotten deeper to him than he was ready to admit, but his façade was perfect. He wasn’t the father now, he was the boss of a hotel empire he had put all his efforts into and he wouldn’t let it be threatened by anything, even if it meant putting it first to his own son. There was no use in objecting him, not when he thought he was fighting for the one thing that meant most to him, the one thing he had dedicated his life to so Louis gave in, his whole body relaxing into the covers now, tired and defeated.

“What do you want me to do? I can’t take it back now.”  
“I know you can’t, but you can make sure you don’t make a mistake again. And I want you to apologize. There is a big event the day after tomorrow where everyone with a name in our world will be present with their families. This will be the perfect occasion to show them what a great human being you really are so I expect you to come and I expect you to mend the mess you have made for your own sake and the sake of your future.”  
“So you want me to make a speech in front of all of those people and tell them how stupid I have been and how much I regret it?”  
“Yes, I do. Think of something, be mature for once. And I have told your sister that you will be her date for the event by the way. Unless you have better company of course.”, his father added, half on his way out of the room, an unmistakable bitter tone in his voice as he said it. Louis was about to say something to that, but then the door closed and he was alone again. Suddenly he felt incredibly tired, not so much physically, although he had lost a fair amount of sleep due to various parties his friends had dragged him to during the last nights, too, than mentally and emotionally. He knew he was supposed to feel guilty for what he had done, but strangely he didn’t, quite the contrary.

Those minutes he had spent with Harry had been the first and only time in his life where he had stopped thinking and completely lost control. Nothing had mattered in that moment, neither the present nor his carefully planned future, everything transformed into emotions so intense that he could still perfectly remember every single detail about it.

It was irrational, completely irrational considering the fact that his friends had most likely paid him for it, paid him for his job and that he most likely never see him again, but it didn’t change the way Louis felt about the experience, how it had shaken him up from the never-changing monotony of the life his father had talked about and that he was officially forced to lead now. He had spent all his time hiding, pretending to be someone he wasn’t, faking smiles and keeping up his façade except for this one evening. As soon as Harry had touched him he had come undone in a way he never had before, opening up completely without fear, without second thoughts, without even actively deciding to do so.

And it had felt good, incredibly right despite everything that made it taste slightly bitter in hindsight. Yes, it had definitely been worth the photo, maybe even more than that. But in the back of his mind Louis knew that his father was right.

He was too old. Too old for hopeless teenage crushes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it :) ! As always feedback is very much appreciated and thank you so much for reading! cute as a button every single one of you! ;)


	3. Chapter 3

t was freezingly cold again that night painting Harry’s pale skin with goose-bumps wherever the wind placed one of his icy kisses on it. The thin material of his T-Shirt barely provided any protection and he shivered uncontrollably despite his efforts to try to remain at least a little warm by wrapping his arms around himself although he knew that this wouldn’t exactly make him look sexy for the people passing by. The street was almost completely deserted at this hour apart from a few stroll dogs digging for food in one of the trash-pins in front of the shops with their freshly displayed Christmas decorations.

They weren’t special, small figurines of the Holy Family with the colors already partly peeled off and a few simple straw stars hanging from a tiny fir tree with yellow needles, but they transported a kind of soft comfort he had almost forgotten the feeling of, something incredibly tender, accepting and caring. He had always loved Christmas as a child, the way everything seemed to be covered by a warm glow during the weeks leading up to it and the time he got to spent with his family. His mother had always worked harder than anyone else for the whole year to be able to earn them enough money to survive so it had been even more precious to him to be able to make cookies or even just to cuddle up with her while he listened to her soft voice reading the Christmas story and inhaling the scent of her perfume when he burried his head in her chest.

Christmas had never been about the presents as they had been constantly short on money anyway, it had been about these simple things, about the smiles and the cuddles, the gentle touches and the pleasure of being near each other regardless of what they were doing during this time. He had tried to continue the tradition with Zayn a little, but it had never been the same as if somehow Christmas had lost its sparkle, its gentle power for him somewhere along the rough, uncomfortable path that had come with his new life in London.

Maybe it was because Harry couldn’t help but feel like he was just one more of those decorations in the shop windows. A present, a decoration and an especially pleasant way to pass the time. The feeling had always been there, but it was much harder to ignore it now after he had experienced a tiny fraction of what it could be like not to be just used but to be treated with respect and gentleness.  

“They are nice, aren’t they?”  
Harry didn’t have to turn around to know that it was Zayn who sat down next to him on the curbstone now, wordlessly offering him the cup top of his thermos jug filled with steaming, nice smelling tea.

“Yes they are. I never noticed them around here.”, Harry whispered, his voice slightly trembling with emotion despite all his efforts to sound normal.

“Do you remember how it started? Our first winter here? You were so completely innocent when you arrived here, all insane curls, full pink lips and big, green eyes. And you were beautiful, so, so beautiful. When we first met, I didn’t laugh at you because I thought you were ridiculous in any way, but because you just looked so wrong, so out of place there with your shy smile and boyish charm. It didn’t seem right to me for you to be corrupted like this, to be thrown into something you didn’t even understand yet. You had a spark in you, something that just didn’t fit in here at all and you still have.”

“Why are you telling me this?”  
Zayn shrugged, taking a sip from his own, already cooling tea.

“I don’t know. When I saw you yesterday, standing in front of the mirror with this look and I heard what the other ones told me about the night before I realized that I wanted you to be happy more than anything else. I know that I probably won’t be any good in another kind of environment because I almost grew up here, but you have hope. You are precious and if you can see yourself being happy somewhere don’t be afraid to chase this dream, chase this opportunity without thinking about me or anybody else you might have to leave behind.

You deserve it.”  
Harry was silent for a few moments, hands closed firmly around the top of the thermos jug to catch a little of its warmth before he spoke again.

“I remember how you taught me to kiss properly. I was so incredibly nervous that I almost puckered my lips like a fourteen year old girl and I was really glad that you were so forgiving towards me, because I’m pretty sure I was awful the first few times.”  
A loop-sided grin turned up the corners of his mouth at the memory.

“And I remember how we lay awake one night and you told me the most stupid things clients had ever tried to get you until both our stomachs were hurting from laughing and I was finally able to sleep just because I told you that I was afraid of the next day or how you always used to leave me little notes with new embarrassing pick-up lines you got to hear next to my mattress after that along with my favorite breakfast whenever you woke up before me.

I don’t think I would miss anything about this whole situation if I just left, but I wouldn’t be able to just abandon you. It’s not as easy as that, even if you tell me to do so. I have never just left my friends behind and I won’t start now.”  
Harry turned around to see Zayn’s reaction and for a brief moment they shared a sad smile until the moment was broken by two men around their age coming towards them, their eyes already trailing down the lines of their bodies as if they were ready to devour them at any moment. Both quickly got up, Zayn packing away the tea somewhere in the bag he was carrying while Harry straightened out his T-Shirt.

“You up for a round tonight?”  
Zayn instinctively positioned himself in front of Harry in the same kind of protectiveness he’d always had around him being the older and more experienced one as well as a caring friend.

“I am.", he answered instead of him with a quick look behind himself to make sure Harry stayed quiet, "Where do you want to go?”  
“I don’t want you. I want this one.”

The man pointed his finger towards Harry now, a smile spread over his face like the one of a kid who had just spotted the best candy in the shop.

“He will be perfect.”  
“Why don’t you ask him then? I’m not going to do your negotiation and he is a human being not a toy, is that clear? Show some respect.”, Zayn spat while he turned around towards his friend, “and what about you? Are you just going to watch them or what?

“No, I thought I’d take you.”  
“How nice of you. Where is your car? I’m freezing.”

This wasn’t exactly the way Zayn friend normally was, but somehow he got the feeling that the two men wouldn’t even care if they threw swearwords at them in the desperate state they were obviously in.  
“Over there.”

“Good then let’s go. “

Harry watched as Zayn disappeared with the guy, whose hand was already moving down his back in a clearly suggestive way. When he turned around to face his own client, who was already staring at him in a mixture of complete fascination and a strange kind of joy in his eyes that made him want to run away as far as possible even with all the time he had spent dealing with the exact same kind of look on other people’s faces when they saw him.

Harry didn’t even remember how it felt like not to be seen like this, like some kind of really delicious piece of food about to be eaten. It had always been so easy, maybe too easy.

He didn’t know why, but somehow the people seemed to be drawn to him with an unstoppable force, falling for his charm and his looks in a matter of seconds.

Sometimes they had even ditched other boys standing there with him as soon as they had caught a glimpse of his curls, the inviting, dark lips and the sparkling green of his eyes.

It was ironic that those were exactly the kind of thing everyone had mocked him for when he was younger. The boys had called him little girl or princess and showed him into lockers in school while the girls had sometimes taken pity and tried to paint his fingernails or something equally embarrassing. Now the slightly feminine parts of his face made the masculine parts beautiful in a unique kind of way and he could barely escape the men wanting to get a little piece of his attention on some nights so the man in front of him was just another one in this line of people entranced with him.

“Are we going to do something or is this some weird kind of just-look no-touch thing?”, the man broke the moment of silence between them now, moving closer with each word, “because I don’t think that I would approve of that even though you are insanely hot so looking isn’t bad for a start, I have to admit that.”  
His mouth was only a few inches away from Harry’s now, breath already dancing possessively over the sensitive skin of his lips he was about to claim.

“I didn’t even say yes yet.”  
“What?”  
“You heard me.", Harry repeated, slowly, his eyes set on the man's face, "I didn’t say yes yet.”  
The man backed away, the longing in his eyes slowly replaced by fury when he stared back into the deep green of Harry’s, burning with the same all-consuming force his want for him had taken earlier and intermingling with it in a dangerous mixture.

“Did you just seriously try to refuse me?”  
“I only told you I could. I have the right to.”  
It took only a split second, then the man’s lips were on his in a bruising, hard kiss, teeth biting into them while his fingernails dug into the small of his back deep enough to leave harsh marks. He was surprisingly strong, much stronger than Harry and took this to his advantage to force him back a few steps until he was completely pressed up against the street lantern they had been standing next to. His hands wandered under his T-Shirt pushing it further up and leaving marks on every inch of skin his nails managed to scratch.

“You don’t have the right to do anything.”, he breathed when he finally pulled away for air from the kiss, “You are just a whore, nothing else. A simple”  
The man leaned forward and pushed him into the street lantern once more so hard that Harry felt like the air was knocked out of his lungs, “disgusting whore with the looks of an angel, looks you don’t even deserve. So don’t”, his hand was so fast that Harry didn’t even have time to react before it hit the right side of his face, strong and with incredible force that made him stumble back into the street lantern again, his whole body flinching when it hit the metal.

“even dare to think you’re too good for me.”

He opened his mouth to say something, but the words didn’t come out. He was trembling now, his vision spinning into a blurry scheme of colors dominated by the still burning eyes of the man, whose gaze didn’t leave him for one second.

“You like that, don’t you little whore? Being manhandled? I bet you are rough yourself, but too posh to be taking someone like me, are we?”

He raised his left arm toward his face, a strong, uncomfortable brush of his fingertips on Harry’s lips down to the corner of his mouth and farther down towards his jawline before he took his chin firmly, his eyes taking in every inch of his features.

“Such a shame that you are so breathtakingly beautiful. You should have known better.”  
Without any warning his other hand went forward again in a fist. Harry felt the impact on his lower abdomen and the other side of his face not able to do anything about it and the cold metal when he slowly slid down the side of the lantern towards the pavement. His whole body seemed to be on fire from the inside out, hurting and burning every inch of him, the only sound possible above the cloud of pain taking over him a small, desperate whimper that didn’t even sound like him instead of the strong scream his entire being was silently voicing in that moment.

In some kind of instinct he curled up where he lay, his weak arms attempting to hold his knees in place

“Good night whore.”  
The voice was utterly disgusted and completely emotionless. Harry barely even registered the last kick to his shin before he heard forceful steps leading away from him. He felt how his eyelids became heavier, suddenly overcome with the overwhelming need to let go of everything, to drift off and let the pain be eased a little this way. Somewhere in the back of his mind Harry knew that it was dangerous and far too cold, so cold, but he didn’t mind anymore. One last flash of pain flowed through his body then everything went black. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and feedback would be lovely of course :) Oh and sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes, I proof-read it at least three timees, but I don't know if I got everything.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Louis makes a discovery that changes everything (maybe). I'm on my holiday break in Italy right now so I don't know if I got every grammar mistake but otherwise enjoy and thank you for reading x

There are moments when time seems to stop, when everything narrows down to this one special thing, every breath, every emotion, ever thought, every heartbeat so intense that it takes your breath away. These are the moments you treasure the most no matter if they have been a bad or a good kind of experience, because these are the precious seconds you really feel alive in every sense of the world. From what Louis could tell there have been three moments like this in his life, so clear that he was even able to remember the smell around him when they happened or how warm the sun was on that day.

The first time had been when his younger sister had been born five years after him. He had been too small when his brother had been born two years earlier, but at the day of Marley’s birth his mother had wanted him to come to the hospital, too and when they had gently put the new born baby girl into his arms for a few seconds, still asleep and looking so incredibly fragile he had lost his breath for the first time. The second time had been his first kiss somewhere in the last row of an almost deserted cinema to the cries of dying Scottish soldiers on the battlefield of the movie in front of them. The girl had been called Leila and even though Louis didn’t know the exact features of her face, he knew how she had been like, gentle, clear like a ray of sunshine regarding her blonde hair as well as her vibrant personality, soft, feminine, a constant faint scent of some kind of fruity perfume around her that had always reminded Louis of summer days in the garden and a voice that sounded like birds singing to him.

Completely inexperienced as he was he had planned a thousand ways of how he would kiss her, playing over the words in his head and immediately dismissing them again, because they never sounded convincing or good enough. In the end it had turned out better than he could have ever done it himself and even though the kiss had been far from perfect that very first time it’d had his head spinning even a few moments after it.

The third time was when he saw that figure lying on the street from the window of his car on a cold evening two days after his encounter with Harry. He was on his way back home from a shopping trip Liam and Niall had offered him to help him find something suitable to wear for the event he was supposed to take Marley to. The whole thing was completely unnecessary in Louis’ opinion as he could have easily used one of his old tuxedos, but he hadn’t objected and had tried to play along as best as he could, grateful for the opportunity to avoid his father a little after their conversation. When he had finally made his way towards his car after a quick stop in one of the pubs in the city center it had already been almost dark outside.

Suddenly he wished that he had drunk in the pub earlier, which seemed the only way to make the prospect of coming home at least a little inviting. He couldn’t explain why it hit him so forcefully now after all this time pretending, all this time acting like he was supposed to, but now he found it almost impossible to hide his disgust with everything. Even the charity event was nothing more than an excuse for the women to buy a few more far too expensive dresses and for their husbands to show off their latest successes while everyone drank too much even more expensive champagne and spread the latest gossip around. It had absolutely nothing to do with helping people or actually using the money for a good cause.

He didn’t want to have to watch this all over again, he didn’t want to be part of this falseness anymore where it was a competition of how dirty you could talk about someone behind their backs or how many rumors you could spill to publically embarrass someone without him noticing.

For anyone growing up in this environment those things were an open secret, a secret no one ever dared to address for the sake of more fake smiles and more overly polite conversations that meant absolutely nothing. 

Louis was pretty sure that they would have a good time talking through every single detail about his “escapades” that had been published in the tabloid his father had showed him. It would definitely be the best round of gossip they had gotten in a long while in which the only interesting topics had been new haircuts or the choice of clothing of the other participants mixed with a few completely ridiculous cheating rumors about some of the head managers.

The son of one of them reportedly sleeping with a prostitute nicely documented by a kissing photo was a whole different kind of entertainment and Louis was already sick of it.

Strangely it wasn’t so much the effect the talk would have on him himself rather than the urge to keep this out of their reach. He couldn’t properly explain why it was so important to him, but he felt like this night had been something private, something so special and emotional, free of all the other things that bound him in his life and he wanted to shelter it somehow, keep it his own secret that he didn’t want to share with anyone.

And as a part of that he also wanted to protect Harry. The fact that he had decided to pursue the ridiculous attraction he obviously had to him didn’t mean that it gave the people around them the right to judge him, to talk about him as if they knew him or to drag them into their corrupted world with their gossiping. Even if he would never know what had happened Louis desperately wanted to keep those two worlds from intermingling. No matter what he had done was a mistake in their eyes or not, it was still his mistake and his mistake only and if they wanted to bash someone he would make sure that this someone wouldn’t be Harry.

Louis turned down the volume of his car radio a bit as he desperately tried to focus on the street in front of him over his frustrated thoughts. He didn’t even notice when he took a wrong turn somewhere along the way until he was driving down a familiar street, lit in the exact same way that seemed to obscure rather than reveal, a few young men standing on the curbstones watching him intently while he drove past them without a second look.

Of course it had to happen that way. Out of all streets in London he had to get into the only one where he would be reminded. Reminded of incredibly talented lips, soft curls and warm skin, of drowning and breathing for the first time, reminded of what was maybe the simultaneously wrongest and best thing he had ever done.

Louis cursed softly while he turned around in his seat slightly to see which direction he had to go in and that was when he saw it. A brief flash of white on the black of the asphalt on the base of a street lantern, not even looking very human from the inside of the car, but he reacted instantly. With a quick movement of the steering wheel he brought the car to a halt on the curbstone a few meters away from the figure.

With a rush of adrenaline pumping through his blood he opened his door and made his way towards the human form lying on the ground, heart beating faster with every passing second. When Louis finally crouched down beside him the boy was still completely motionless, body curled up into a fetal position with his arms still around his knees.

When he reached forward to brush the curls out of his face this moment, this third time he lost his breath completely hit him with its full force. The boy in front of him was Harry.

His Harry. The Harry he had avoided to think about for days now. There was blood running down his chin from bruised lips, both of his cheeks were clearly swollen in a color reaching from blue to slightly yellow, which made the unnatural paleness of his skin even more prominent. Louis had to bite his lip to control his urge to cry right then at the sight of it.

With trembling hands he gently pulled Harry’s cramped hands away from his legs and took his now outstretched body into his arms in one movement, one arm under his knees, the other one under his shoulders. Harry was heavier than he had anticipated, but he didn’t care at all.

As soon as he had reached his car he placed him horizontally on the backseat as softly as he could manage before he climbed into his own seat again and turned on the car with still shaking hands. It was even harder to concentrate now when he knew that someone who needed help, the maybe first person he had ever genuinely cared about apart from his friends and family, was lying unconscious on the backseat of his car. 

Louis had to use every little bit of self-control he had in order not to drive over the red lights or completely ignore the tempo limits along his way. When he finally drove into the familiar parking lot of his house he practically jumped out of the car, not caring who might see him doing this, and instantly opened the back door to get Harry out. He still hadn’t come to so Louis just took him up into his arms again, kicking the door shut with his heel in the process.

He made it through the hallway and to the bottom of the staircase leading up to the family’s bedrooms until he heard a familiar female voice from behind him.

“What are you doing?”

Marley was beside him with a few long steps, eyes wandering over Harry in something between awe and shock.

“Why are you carrying an unconscious boy around? Can you even imagine what would happen if mum or dad came in right now especially after that magazine cover?

It’s him, isn’t it? Of course it’s him. What did you do? Did you hit him like that? Is that some kind of sick…”  
“Marley.”  
The tone in his voice made her stop instantly.

It was cold, rational, the one he used when he wanted to make it absolutely clear that he would fight to all limits to get what he told them to do now, something that had always induced great respect among his two younger siblings as well as his friends whenever he used it.

“Stop babbling and help me, alright? Don’t you see that he’s injured? That he needs help? What kind of human being are you?”

Marley was silent for a few seconds, then she crossed her arms in front of her chest.  
“I won’t touch him.”  
“Then at least open the doors for me until I have reached my bedroom and keep your mouth shut for our parents.”  
She sighed, but obliged. A few long minutes later he had managed to put Harry down in the middle of his bed that suddenly seemed too uncomfortable, too large and more or less chased his sister out of the room to have some privacy at least for the moment.

After Marley had left Louis quickly went into the bathroom two doors further down the corridor for some painkillers, a wet towel and a cream against swellings. When he sat down next to Harry again he ran the towel along the bruises on his lips, and cheekbones with as much care as possible, avoiding any unnecessary contact even though he wouldn’t be able to feel anything now.

One of his fingers touched his forehead in the movement and it was burning. Absolutely burning. Louis drew his bottom lip between his teeth in concentration as he desperately tried to get some cooling on the hot skin, but he couldn’t do much about it as long as Harry wasn’t able to swallow pills or any other kind of medicine.

Not soon after he gave up with a sigh that sounded like a half-sob even to his ears, placing the towel on the nightstand next to him before he turned to look at Harry again as if this was the only thing keeping him alive now. He looked so incredibly young and utterly vulnerable right now without his words or facial expressions to add to his appearance, completely relaxed into the cushions, and he was still absolutely, unfairly beautiful even with half of his face swollen and lips bruised. Louis desperately wanted to pull wrap him um in his arms like a baby until he woke up again, until the pain went away and tell him that everything would be alright, but he knew that he couldn’t. If he did Harry would probably be shocked to death as soon as he saw his face above him. They didn’t even know each other properly after all despite the level intimacy they had shared on their first encounter.

So instead of hugging him he reached forward to touch his face, softly, almost hesitantly, afraid to hurt him even more if he didn’t take enough care, gently caressing his forehead, his cheek, the line of his battered lips with his fingertips. For the first time in his life Louis was afraid of losing someone, the feeling so strong that he felt tears well up in his eyes. In this moment he would have given absolutely anything just to see Harry open his eyes again, to hear his voice or even just to know that he would be okay.

“This is stupid, isn’t it?”

Louis’ voice was only a whisper, rough with tears. 

“You don’t even know me, most likely you won’t even remember my name when you wake up. I’m just one of those young, good-looking men who come to get you for one night and who pay for it or at least I guess that’s what I should be. I shouldn’t be feeling like I miss something when I didn’t even know you existed just two days ago, I shouldn’t be crying now and I shouldn’t feel the urge to make you better at any cost, but I do. I always have.”

His hand stroked over Harry’s cheek one more time, just the ghost of a touch over the swellings.

“I have never been good at talking, you know? Of course I know how to talk when I have to, like on one of those horrible dinner parties my parents tent to organize at least every two weeks or in front of my friends, but when it comes to something deeper, something that really affects me it’s completely different. I kind of managed it with my first girlfriend, but I think I was quite bad at it even back then and after my parents more or less forced me to end things with her because her family had fallen into “disgrace” due to immense financial losses I began to hide my feelings, so close that it’s hard for me to access them and put them into words.

I have learned that this makes me vulnerable so it makes sense in the context of what I live through every day I suppose, but you are not what I live through every day.”  
He took Harry’s hand into his, his eyes never leaving his face.

“You are exceptional, special and beautiful in every sense of the world and you threw me out of all this so strongly that I don’t know if I can go back in there and pretend nothing happened. You made me alive again. You saved me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to say a big thank you for all your lovely comments for the previous chapters, you're the best! I hope you keep them coming so I know if I'm still doing it right. Thank you so much for everything, this story goes out to every single one of you!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Harry discovers that coming-to isn't as pleasant as it looks like in the movies...Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor so the medical details of this chapter are probably ridiculously untrue.

It was burning everywhere.

He couldn’t see the fire or what was causing his pain, but it was there, he felt its presence and the heat licking on every inch of his skin. He wanted to scream, but his voice didn’t obey him, the sound getting struck in his dry mouth opened to a silent scream.

He tried to move, but his arms were held back by something much stronger than him. There was no escape. He would burn. The heat would consume him and he would be nothing more than a distant memory, if that. He doubted that anyone would really miss him if he died now. But it hurt, it hurt so much that he would have done anything to make it stop.

He could hear a voice saying something he didn’t understand, then there was a flash of light out of nowhere. His eyelids flattered, unfocused at first before all he could see was blue. Deep, dark blue. Blue eyes. Soft, concerned, beautiful. And blue. So, so blue.

“Try to stay awake, please. Harry. Talk to me.”

Harry blinked a few more times, unable to understand where he was or why the person in front of him tried to talk to him. It took him a few seconds to recognize those incredibly blue eyes, the high cheekbones, the slim lips, the warm voice and the hand reaching out to put a damp, cold towel on his forehead. Louis. The Louis he had refused to take money for, the Louis Zayn wanted him to remember and who he had tried to push somewhere in the back of his mind as best as he could. He opened his mouth to say something, but just like in his feverish dream he couldn’t. His tongue seemed too heavy, the thoughts too difficult to form a coherent sentence, everything blurring together in the overwhelming feeling of heat inside him that hadn’t left him after he had come to.

He noticed that he was hurting in other ways, too, as if someone had beaten him repeatedly on various parts of his body, so many that he couldn’t even distinguish between them melting together in a massive amount of sharp, physical pain.

“Don’t move, you will only make it worse. Just lay back.”

Louis’ voice was still soft as if he was afraid that he would run away as soon as he said something wrong. After the towel was placed back on Harry’s forehead he removed his hands and awkwardly placed them in his lap, his gaze not once leaving him in a mixture of concern and something that Harry almost didn’t catch, because he had just forgotten how it looked like. He was used to hate, disgust, want, but not to this. Awe. Tenderness. The look of someone who actually cared for how he felt. Zayn did, too, but he had known him for almost two years now, he had seen him in his worst and his best moments, he had helped him through all of it. Louis had only spent a few hours with him, didn’t know him or how he had become the person he was now. The only way he had ever known him was in the one Harry hated himself in, the one he probably would never come to terms with and the one he wished more than anything to be able to give up one day. Louis had been nothing more than his personal moment of weakness that should have never happened.

Maybe he had seen more, more than Harry had wanted to show. Maybe he had been able to read his thoughts, to understand his motives. His eyes seemed to tell him that he did or at least that he didn’t care who this boy that was currently laying in his bed was and instead of comforting Harry those emotions terrified him more than anything else. He could handle harshness, cruelty or being judged, but not someone being nice to him for nothing. He didn’t deserve it. Whatever had caused Louis to do all this for him must have been a huge misunderstanding, a mistake he would regret later. He wanted to tell him all this, wanted to scream to him to stop, to beat him like he deserved, to send him away as everyone else did, to push him back to what he knew, but the words were just drifting in his mind like puzzle pieces he was unable to fit together right now, not when everything was spinning around him making him feel even more sick than he already did.

Louis seemed to sense his thoughts when his fingers brushed over the overheated skin of Harry’s forearm softly until it reached his wrist with the ghost of a touch, afraid to cause him even more discomfort if he went further. Harry briefly noticed that he was wearing a sweater that was a little too small for him and that most definitely didn’t belong to him while his eyes followed Louis movement, unable to understand what was happening. Louis met his gaze for a few seconds, obviously only then realizing what he was doing and immediately pulling away his hand with an apologetic smile.

“Sorry, that must have looked creepy. I just wanted to check your temperature you know? You’ve had a serious fever and you still have, but it seems to be getting a little better. Just try to relax a little and I’ll bring you some more medicine, alright? We will get you better soon, there is nothing to be afraid of anymore. You’re save here.”  
Harry just stared at him for a few moments, completely speechless at those words. When he finally got his voice to work it was husky and chocked, not much more than a simple whisper.

“What have you done?”  
It sounded much harsher than he had intended it and so cold that Louis even flinched a little.

“What?”

“Why did you bring me here? What happened?”

Louis was silent for a few moments, his eyes studying Harry’s features in an attempt to find the right words, the right way to honestly explain how he felt without scaring him away. Harry waited for him, prepared for everything but the one thing he saw now. Just as he was about to give up on an answer Louis looked up at him, the blue of his eyes shining with welled-up tears and his voice shaking when he finally spoke.

“I found you. You were laying on the street, unconscious. I didn’t recognize you at first, because it was already dark and I was in my car just driving past, but I saw that there was a human figure on the street and that was enough to make me stop to check. I don’t know what happened either to be honest, but someone must have beaten you up pretty badly not long before I drove past you. Your lips were swollen just like…”

He stopped at this point, his voice cracking and making Harry’s stomach clench uncomfortably with confusion.

“…your cheekbones. And you were so incredibly pale. There was blood everywhere and you didn’t move. For a moment my heart almost stopped, because I thought you were dead, but I could feel your heartbeat under my fingers when I put them on your chest. I carried you to my car and drove back here as far as possible. I didn’t have much medicine here at least not the one you needed, but I tried to do the best I can to stop the fever and the pain. I’m just incredibly glad that you woke up.”  
Louis looked up from his hands to face Harry again, his look questioning, silently asking if he had done something wrong. It was still a surreal situation for him, a situation that made him much more nervous than he had ever thought it would. It had been easier when Harry had been unconscious and couldn’t hear the words he would have never been able to tell him in person, because they were completely inappropriate for the short time they had known each other, feel the gentle touches when he pushed a strand of hair from his forehead sweaty with fever or see the awed look he had on his face whenever he let his eyes wander over him in silence wondering how someone could possibly look so utterly angelic even in this state.

Now that Harry was awake he was overly aware of the fact that he hadn’t thought about if he had overstepped a barrier by bringing him here or how he would react if he would come to in a house he didn’t recognize with a boy he didn’t really know.

Harry saw it even though he didn’t or didn’t want to realize that it was him, who made Louis so nervous. His thoughts were still spinning and his tongue felt too heavy so he eventually said the one thing he knew very clearly, lips trembling slightly before he spoke, words slow like honey with the effort of it and his voice even deeper than usual.

“I can’t stay.”

For a moment there was a rush of different emotions flickering over Louis’ face in a few moments, so quick that Harry couldn’t grasp everything, then he reached out to touch his hand, eyes completely serious and full of only one emotion now: concern.

“You can’t leave either. I can’t let you go out there when you are still burning with fever and serious injuries on your face. Don’t do it for me.”

He stopped, taking his hand from Harry’s to emphasize his point. The concern had left the deep blue of his eyes when they returned his gaze again, replaced by a silent plea instead.

“Do it for yourself. You deserve to live. You deserve to be treated well just one time. Please don’t go. Don’t do this to yourself.”

Harry didn’t know where it came from, but suddenly there was anger rising up, overwhelming and finally breaking up the numbness Louis’ words had put him into. With all the strength he could muster in that moment he sat up, trying to seem in control despite the fact that his head was still spinning and his skin felt like it was burning more every second.

“I’m not your patient! I’m sorry if the time we spent together on that night made you think you had any obligation to take care of me now, but that’s absolutely not the case. I’ll deal and what we had was nothing more than what it was. A simple night together, a birthday surprise, think of it as you want. Enjoy the memory, but please don’t try to come back or interfere with my life any more than you already have. You don’t know me at all, you don’t know what I’m going through and if you care so much about me it would be better to let me go, because I will get in serious trouble if I don’t return as soon as possible.”  
Harry didn’t look at Louis’ reaction when he fully stood up from the bed and made his way towards the door of the room with weak steps. He felt nauseous, hardly able to concentrate on the way in front of him, but it was better than having to look back. He knew that he must have hurt him and come across as the most ungrateful twat he had ever met, but it had been the only way he had been able to think of to cope with this new treatment he wasn’t used to.

A part of Harry had hoped that Louis would scream at him after those word, that he would finally give him the kind of reaction people always had around him when they were not busy enough admiring his looks and the fact that Louis was just silent, shocked, completely at a loss of what to say or do somehow made it all so much harder.

He had to steady himself on the doorframe before he could walk further and he briefly wondered how he was supposed to walk the whole way back to the building he was living in with the others in this state. It didn’t matter. He had to, no matter how hard it was.

To Harry’s relief the house seemed to be empty so nobody saw him stumbling down the staircase with the insecure steps of someone who returned home after having drunk too much and push the door open. He didn’t see Louis watching him from the staircase with silent sobs rising in his throat. All he saw was the street in his vision blurred by the fever and all he could think was I have to return. They will punish me. They will punish me hard.

It was the only think keeping him going when he leaned against a wall, curls sticking to his forehead sweaty from the effort of walking or when he fell onto his knees after a too long step and bit his lips to hold back the tears welling up at the pain. His skin was so much on fire now that even the soft touches of the wind around him hurt immensely.

Every step made his heart beat faster from exhaustion, his body slower and his vision more unfocused. When he reached the familiar frame of their building he nearly collapsed, only his will to succeed holding him upright. There was a figure standing outside Harry knew he should recognize, but he didn’t. Only when he was halfway there was he able to connect the features of the older man smoking a cigarette next to the door to a face.

It was his boss, the one person he was fearing to face most now.

“Where have you been?”  
The voice was cold, completely oblivious of the state Harry was. With a clearly judgmental look he gave him an once-over, scrunching his nose as he took in the crushed lips, the swollen cheekbones and the old sweater.

“You look disgusting.”

“I’m sorry. I can explain everything.”  
The words came automatically even though his voice threatened to give out at any time.

“You better do! You know that I can’t get any money from you when you look like a figure from a horror movie! How can someone even be so stupid? You only have one thing to look after with the uttermost care: Your appearance. Everything depends on how appealing you look and you just go out there and dare to return with this”, his boss motioned at Harry’s face,

“bloody parody of a face. I really hope you know how to tell me why.”  
“Don’t speak to him like that! Don’t you see that he has a fever? He can barely stand upright!”

Harry almost fainted with relief at the sound of Zayn’s voice right beside him. In the back of his mind he knew that Zayn’s presence meant safety, it always had so the effort to stay awake suddenly seemed too difficult. He felt a strong arm holding him upright and leaned into the embrace closing his eyes now.

“I don’t care what he does! Did he care about me when he went out to be beaten up like this? You don’t have any right to speak to me like that and if you do it one more time you’ll both land on the street as you deserve it! I should have never picked you up from there anyway, you don’t deserve the chance of it. Now get out of my way quickly before I add a few more bruises to your arrogant faces.”

Zayn bit his lip, not wanting to fuel his boss’ anger even more despite the almost overwhelming urge to defend his friend. He put his arm firmly around Harry’s waist now, ready to pull him up into the room if it was necessary or at least get him somewhere where he could lay down and be given proper medical treatment. Before he was through the door he catched one last sentence his boss muttered behind him, brutal and clear:  
“And as soon as this bastard wakes up tell him that he is sold to a very rich customer. He doesn’t deserve it in the slightest but it will teach him how to behave in the future.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Louis tries to move on (sort of)...If a sentence doesn't make sense in this chapter it might be because this site doesn't let me use cursive letters to mark the quotes from Harry and the tabloid article at the beginning, sorry for that and for the grammar mistakes I didn't see. Otherwise enjoy :) !

_Has twenty-year old Louis Tomlinson, newly named heir of his father’s hotel empire in London let himself go a little too much lately?_

_It certainly seems so to us! He always knew how to celebrate and on his twentieth birthday it apparently got a little out of hand. After hitting London’s most popular bars including one of the newly opened dance clubs we have set our eyes on since last week he and his friends Niall and Liam decided to try out the red light district as well (strippers really seem to become boring after a certain amount of birthdays) and Louis managed to get himself a really hot one to make out with. It’s not like we are not used to him kissing, but he has definitely surprised us with his newest choice. It wasn’t a pretty brunette or a beautiful blonde, in fact it wasn’t a girl at all. It was a boy, one we could definitely see ourselves with, too._

_We don’t know his name or what happened from the rest of the night but judging from those unfairly perfect legs and the ridiculously beautiful face it couldn’t have been that bad. What do you think of our hot new couple-for-a-night? We leave you with a few exclusive pictures to decide for yourself._

 

“So you are into whores now? Sounds pretty desperate if you ask me. It’s not like you are that ugly or old.”

  
Louis tore his gaze away from the article his brother had dropped beside him on the bed in his room where he was trying to get ready for the dinner event he was supposed to attend with Marley that night. His eyes narrowed, the constant feeling of being on the edge of something since Harry had left finally taking over completely.  
“If you say one more word you will regret that forever, believe me. I’m your older brother, the heir of our father’s business so the least you can do is to show some respect. You should have learned that long ago. And now get out of my room and bring your sister. I absolutely don’t want to see you right now.”

“I’m already there. What takes you two so long in here?”

Marley was leaning against the doorframe, already dressed in a beautiful, simple black dress and matching black high heels. George, their brother, stood up at the sight of his sister while Louis turned back to his closet, making it very clear that the regarded the conversation as finished.  
“Apparently your brother decided to be a diva for tonight just like he has for the last few days so nothing new here.”

George turned around to meet Louis’ gaze one last time when he reached the door.

“And don’t think I’ll ever forget what you did, the way you brought disgrace over our whole family and that I don’t have something planned to remind you of your duties. Be prepared.”  
His sister watched as he closed the door behind him a little louder than necessary before she sat down on the bed next to Louis, who was still pretending to search for a blazer to wear.

“What was that about?”  
“Nothing. He is just being disrespectful just like he always is.”  
Marley raised an eyebrow, clearly not convinced at all. She had always been good at telling when he was really bothered by something or when he was just playing it up, no matter how hard he tried to hide it and the magazine next to her didn’t exactly help his case either.

“What is that?”

“Put it down. It’s nothing. Just the usual rubbish they always write.”

“And what about the pictures? That doesn’t look like rubbish to me.”  
“Seriously put it down!”  
Louis looked up from a pair of black trousers with what he hoped was an stern look.

“Why should I? This is hot, like really hot. You look amazing together and I don’t blame you at all even if it’s just his job. I’d die for those unfairly good-looking curls as well and the legs are better than mine! I’m not sure if I want to know what exactly happened that night though, not even if you offered to tell me.”

What we had was nothing more than what it was. A simple night together, a birthday surprise, think of it as you want.

Louis had to close his eyes briefly after that to regain his composure after that sentence came back into his mind without warning and even after he did his voice still sounded weaker than it had before.

“I won’t don’t worry. Are you ready to go?”  
“I am. What about you? Ready to be my date?”  
“I’m not your date, I’m your brother trying to be the best wingman you ever had.”, Louis grinned while he locked his arms with Marley’s, “Don’t even think about something else.”  
“I won’t, that would not only be incest but absolutely hopeless, because apparently you’ve already set your eyes on your hot birthday date.”

“That’s none of your business!”

He knew he was being too harsh, but he just didn’t want to be reminded. Not now. Not when he had to face all this falseness hidden behind kind words that never meant what they sounded like and feel those judgmental stares in his back for at least the next two hours.

He would need all the self-control he could muster for that. Marley seemed to understand and kept quiet for the rest of their walk down to the car waiting for them outside their house, but Harry’s voice didn’t leave after that with everything the memory of its sound brought with it: The helplessness, the hurt, the anger at himself for behaving like this, the overwhelming sadness of watching him leave. He wasn’t angry at Harry for saying what he had said, in fact he was surprised that he hadn’t kicked him or done something worse when he had found himself laying in his bed. He had been right, they really didn’t have any connection at all except for the fact that their first encounter had been the most intimate kind of bound two humans could possibly have. He was just angry at him for leaving, for being so stubborn and not letting him take care of him when he clearly needed it. He had barely been able to walk down the staircase much less make the whole way to where he was living, skin still burning with fever and the crashed skin standing out against the porcelain color of the rest. Louis had desperately longed to hold him back, but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to open his mouth, afraid to get even more hurt if he did.

Instead he had stood there on the top of the staircase even long after Harry had stumbled out of the house, ashamed of himself and crying.

Louis had refused to believe that it meant more than that, that he was drawn to Harry by more than this physical side he had been able to enjoy and he still thought that it was just his normal human instinct, which had lead him to pick him up when he had found him unconscious on the street. He couldn’t fall so fast. He couldn’t find this love he had been wishing for with someone he would never be able to have. It wasn’t right. It couldn’t be right.

“Welcome to your annual Christmas ball of London’s most honored families to raise money for the ones who are not as fortunate as we are. We have a responsibility not only for our companies, but also for the people living out there without the comforting safety we have and this is exactly what we want to show today. I’m proud to announce every invited member has come, many of them with their families and I thank everyone for the overwhelming support this event has gotten ever since it was first started four years ago.

As you all know I’m not a man of many words, so I’ll just leave it at that. Thank you again and I hope you all have a great time with our first live act of the evening, a young female starlet from the outskirts of London, who has just begun to hit the radio charts of Great Britain with her beautiful voice even with her young age of nineteen years. Enjoy!”

As soon as the man in the much too small blazer and the ridiculously big shoes had finished his speech Louis watched his sister disappear with one of the spoiled sons of his father’s colleagues for the first dance of the evening. Normally he would have talked to the boy, shown him that this girl he was taking to dance wasn’t just a doll but still the precious, beautiful little baby he had held in his arms all those years ago to him and that he should be extremely careful with what he did or didn’t do, but tonight he was too tired, too sick of everything to be the brother he was supposed to be. He just wanted it all to end and to end quickly.

“Louis! What a pleasure to meet you! It’s been a long time since we last spoke to each other.”

He didn’t have to turn around to know what he would be faced with.

It was the same every single time. Far too much make up because what mattered was the outer appearance, not what you thought, expensive clothes because you couldn’t afford to make mistakes even in tiny details, a voice too trained, too friendly to be genuine. When he finally faced the woman he found exactly what he had been suspecting, only made worse by the polite smile curling up her lips when their eyes met. She must have been around the age of his mother, her hair blond like the one of a young girl, obviously colored with great care and her figure not giving away the years she had spent giving birth to her children. It was so unnatural that Louis almost flinched when she placed a hand on his arm.

“So tell me what did you do the last few months? How was your birthday?”  
He had expected it, of course he had, but he still couldn’t hold back the laugh that came when the woman, probably the mother of the boy his sister was dancing with, asked the obvious question everyone was silently shooting at him with every look he received.

“It was really good, thank you.”  
 _What we had was nothing more than what it was. A simple night together, a birthday surprise, think of it as you want._

“I’m sorry to mention this, but in the articles it certainly looked like you enjoyed yourself, I have to admit that. How did you get the idea of choosing this kind of thing for your party? Didn’t you worry about the consequences? And why him? I mean he’s gorgeous, but he’s a boy and one with a really bad reputation on top of that. That wasn’t exactly wise was it?”

_I’m sorry if the time we spent together on that night made you think you had any obligation to take care of me now, but that’s absolutely not the case._

“What do you expect me to say? That I regret it? That I have been a bad boy and that I’m going to be especially good now that I have realized my mistake? In that case I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I don’t regret it, not at all. In fact it was probably one of the bravest, one of the best things I’ve ever done. I don’t judge people from the outside, I judge them from who they are, from the way they act and treat others around them and I think you should try the same. This boy isn’t bad just because of what he does, something he probably hates with all his heart, but from what I saw he is the most remarkable, most genuine and most beautiful human being I ever met so I’m not going to tell you anything bad about him and I suggest that you don’t do that either. You have no right to think like that based on nothing.”

The woman was silent for a few minutes, just staring at him with widened eyes as if she was desperately trying to process the fact that this had really happened. When she spoke she wasn’t completely furious like Louis had expected, more stunned and surprised.

“Are you serious? You are offending me because of just one night with this boy? This is ridiculous and you know that! I would be incredibly angry at you for what you just said if I wasn’t one of the oldest friends of your father and didn’t know you so instead of being angry I’m just telling you to be careful. You’re not planning on seeing him again are you?”, she added when Louis didn’t reply immediately.

_Enjoy the memory, but please don’t try to come back or interfere with my life any more than you already have._

“This is really personal so I prefer not to talk about it anymore. Please respect that.”  
The woman got up, her hand finally leaving Louis’ arm.

“Fine, but he must have been really amazing if he was able to put you out of track like that. I have never seen you so disrespectful and so blunt before. Just think about it, that’s all I want. And enjoy the party, you definitely need it.”

_You don’t know me at all, you don’t know what I’m going through._

“What did she want?”  
Louis raised his eyes from where he had dropped them to the plate in front of him, originally planning on focusing on his meal rather than having another conversation, but apparently it wasn’t exactly his lucky day. The girl talking to him now was the one the man had introduced as “young female starlet from the outskirts of London” with even more make-up, even better styled, black hair flowing down her arms, her age the only difference to the woman before.

Her eyes were green, he briefly noticed, even though it wasn’t the right kind of green, not as dark and completely bare of this special spark, this burning, all-consuming fire inside them just like everyone else’s in that room.

“I’m Jessie, the singer you heard before. I’m sorry if I interrupted something, but I saw that you were alone and I just wanted to…”

She stopped mid-sentence, fiddling nervously with her hands before meeting Louis’ gaze again.

“…ask you if you wanted to dance. You don’t seem to have had much fun so far.”  
For a moment Louis considered to tell her to leave, to let him endure this on his own and that he didn’t need someone to cheer him up when there was nothing that could be changed about it, but somehow he couldn’t. Almost without him being aware of it his flirting skills returned, the same pattern he had used so many times around girls on this kind of events until they had felt right, become a part of who he was to the outside world.

His lips curled into the broad smile that always had everyone swooning even though he didn’t have any idea why. It wasn’t special at least to him. It was forced, uncomfortable. But it worked. It always did.

“Yes. It’d be a pleasure.”

Jessie smiled back, using the moment to take his hand and pull him up from his chair.

“Come on then! The music is amazing and I especially love the song they are playing right now. It was my first cover.”

Louis didn’t say anything to that, he just let himself be dragged to the dance floor trying to clear his head from everything. It became easier as soon as the deep rhythm of the song’s beat filled his body and they both started to move along to it in their own way. He could even ignore how Jessie’s body was a little too delicate, her features too feminine and her laugh too forced. She had her arms around his neck, her eyes constantly flickering down to his lips the longer they danced and Louis knew he would give in then. He was too far gone to care, too eager to forget to do anything about it. When the last notes played he leaned forward, softly pressing his lips to hers just like she had silently demanded and he silently hoped that it would heal him. Make him forget.

Turn him back to who he was before.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Harry is forced to move on as well (soft of).

“You can’t do that! You just can’t!”

Zayn stopped in the middle of his movements, dropping the wet cloth he had been cooling Harry’s forehead with on the mattress beside him, his eyes full of barely suppressed anger. He tried hard to keep his emotions in check, but he felt like he was about to snap at any wrong word ever since his boss had entered their shared flat he had spent the last day in taking care of Harry as best as he could. It was bad enough that obviously no one found it necessary to get him proper medical treatment and all he had was the little medicine cabinet they kept in their tiny bathroom next to the sleeping area.

“Don’t you see that he’s still practically burning from fever? He needs rest, a lot of sleep and someone to help him with proper medical skills. Instead of some customer you should get him a doctor and do it quick or your money won’t be worth anything anyway! I can’t believe this is nothing to you. That he.”, he gestured towards Harry’s peacefully sleeping form, “is nothing to you. Not even a human being, right? Just a source for making you rich, for making this all work.”

His boss didn’t answer, just went over and slapped Zayn’s right cheek with the back of his hand, strong and insistent. The message was clearer than he could have said it with words, the sharp pain a reminder of who Zayn belonged to. He wasn’t free. He never would be. He had to oblige and he wasn’t supposed to think. This wasn’t about them. This was about the business. It was expected. Zayn only flinched slightly when the blow hit him, not wanting to give his boss the satisfaction of actually seeing him hurt. It wasn’t that difficult, because he knew that he had done the right thing. He needed to fight, not for himself but for Harry, who couldn’t defend himself in the sate he was in and whom he had vowed to protect no matter how much it would cost him.

“I think that’s enough of an answer isn’t it? I don’t want to hear one more word from you. You already brushed the barriers when you called me out yesterday and if it happens one more time you are out, am I clear? You’re ridiculous and if you have the urge to play mother for someone do it, but don’t do it here! This is your job, which I’m paying you for even though I begin to question why and you have to keep your mouth shut and obey.

That’s all. I don’t owe you any explanation at all. You’re nothing more than simple employees so this subject isn’t even up for discussion, much less with you.

He will come and he will do with Harry as he pleases. He has the money and he decides. Your only task is to get him ready. That’s all. If you fail I’ll make you both pay, trust me.”  
Zayn’s lips disappeared into a thin line, but somehow he managed to stay silent until he heard the door close with an unnecessarily loud thud. He was just about to stand up and walk around a little to calm his emotions that were all melting into a fire of uncontrollable anger now when he heard a weak whimper beside him. Harry had opened his eyes, still unfocused from sleep and the dark green a little washed out by the fever of the last days.

Zayn put all his effort into a smile, gently pushing a few curls out of Harry’s face to busy himself.

“How are you?”  
“Thirsty.”

Harry’s voice was raspy and quieter than usual from not being used for so long.

“Can you sit up? It’d be a lot easier that way.”  
He just nodded, propping himself up on his elbows first before sitting up completely and Zayn was pleased to notice that he didn’t seem as week as he had been before even if there was still fever left in his body.

“Here, drink that. It will make you feel better.”

Zayn reached down beside him to pull up a glass of lemonade he had gotten from one of their colleagues next door. Harry took it with a thankful expression and drowned it one go before he turned to him again, a concentrated look on his face now.

“What were you talking about? Your voice was furious.”  
“You heard us?”  
“Only the very last part of the conversation in some kind of half sleep.”  
“I don’t even know where to start to be honest, because this whole thing is so sick it makes me want to punch something.”, Zayn murmured, not able to look into Harry’s face. He didn’t want to see his expression when he told him what would happen to him today, it was bad enough that he could do absolutely nothing about it even though he wanted nothing more than to shield this boy who had become like a little brother to him in their time together from everything bad. It made him feel like it was his fault, his personal inability to fight harder, be more insistent, be braver that would cause this pain for Harry and he almost couldn’t cope with the ache inside him at the thought of it.  
“Our boss he…he sold you. To a rich customer. He told me the day you came back from wherever you have gotten those terrible wounds on your face. I took care of you yesterday and luckily he left me alone, but as you heard yourself he came back today to give me instructions. I’m supposed to…”

Zayn’s voice trailed off completely at that point, not more than a whisper.

“ …get you ready for him. He wants to see you.”  
“Today?”

“Yes.”  
Harry remained completely silent after that, his gaze turned downwards to his hands folded in his lap and somehow the silence made it even worse. Zayn could have dealt with Harry screaming at him, being angry or throwing things, but this silent, unquestioning surrender into his destiny was unbearable to watch for him. He shouldn’t have to be so strong, so mature about it. It wasn’t right, absolutely not. Zayn would have given anything in the world to take this burden away from him, even would have gladly offered himself instead of this innocent boy, but he knew it wasn’t possible. The man wouldn’t accept him. He wanted Harry.

“Please, say something. I can’t stand seeing you like that. It breaks me.” , Zayn finally said, putting a hand lightly on one of Harry’s. Harry looked up to meet his gaze, eyes back to their emerald green now with a kind of sad, silent determination Zayn had never seen in them.

“What is there to say? I don’t have a choice anyway, right? There's no use in fighting. It will be over sooner if I just give in so there’s no use in discussing anything now.”

“But you can barely stand on your feet alone! You should be seeing a doctor not some sob trying to get into your pants!”

“I’ll be fine. I’ve already told you that I feel a lot better than I did yesterday. It’s going to be alright.”

“You don’t deserve this. You have never done anything wrong and still have to face all of this and I’m too weak to save you or protect you from it. I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.”  
“Don’t, Zayn, please. Don’t make this harder than it is.”  
“But why? Why now? Why you?”  
“It’s just how things go. We weren’t lucky in the past and we can’t expect for that to change suddenly.”  
“This isn’t fair.”

The words got chocked as the first tears began to run down Zayn’s cheeks despite all his efforts not to do this in front of Harry, not when he needed to be strong more than ever. Harry just pulled him into his arms for a hug as if Zayn was the one who needed comfort not he himself. When they separated he smiled at him weakly, trying to make it easier for both of them.

“So do you want to help me or not? I need an outfit.”  
“I don’t know why you even bother. He will only care about getting you out of it anyway, will he? That’s what they all want.”

Harry couldn’t help but smirk from where he was shuffling through the pile of washed clothes beside the door, looking back at Zayn with a raised eyebrow.

“Definitely, but I still don’t think he’d appreciate if I opened the door naked.”  
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that. They are disgusting sometimes.”  
“So you are just going to sit there and watch me do all of the work?”

With a sigh Zayn walked over, placing a comforting hand on Harry’s shoulder while he looked at the Shirts.

“How about this white button-up? And black skinny jeans?”  
“Classy. I think I like it.”  
Harry quickly put the trousers on, but when he came to the Shirt he just slipped into it, turning to Zayn with a pleading look. They didn’t need words to communicate further as Zayn perfectly understood how bad he needed this little affirmation of their friendship, their affection for each other so he gently reached forward, closing each button with fingers trembling from the frustration of the whole situation. It wasn’t romantic, it was just a reassuring gesture, a silent promise that he would be there if things got too bad for him to handle that would give him the will to get through all he would have to face in the next days with this man on whose mercy he would be completely from now on without even knowing if he would hurt him or treat him badly. This was what made it different.

Up to now he had been able to choose his clients and only to accept those he was completely comfortable with, but now he was a special company for someone who had been assigned to him by someone else.

“What are you thinking about?”

Zayn’s eyes wandered up to his face again while he fixed his collar.

“You looked really concentrated.”  
“Nothing. I’m just nervous.”

“That’s normal, I would be, too. This is just ridiculous really.”

His brows furrowed in a new rush of anger, but Harry just pulled him into another hug to calm him.

“Thank you for doing this. It meant a lot, you mean a lot. I don’t think I could have done all of that without you as a friend to be there for me. I know you have enough problems of your own, but you still always try to make up for the family I had to leave behind, to take care of me and I can’t thank you enough for all of it. Don’t blame yourself for something we can’t control, it won’t make it go away. Be proud of yourself of what you did for me instead.”  
He felt Zayn’s hands fingers dig into his bicep, desperately trying to remain calm.

“I know, I’m just not ready to let you into this.”

“Try it. It will make me feel better, too. You’re the only one I have left and I hate to see you sad, especially when it’s about me. We do this every day, it won’t be special.”  
He felt Zayn nod into his shoulder, still not convinced, but more accepting now. They were drawn apart abruptly by the sound of a knock on the door, insistent and urgent.

“Is that him?”

“You have to leave.”, Harry whispered, “he won’t be pleased to see another male human being here, even if it’s just my flatmate.”

“Be safe.”

“I will.”  
Zayn stopped for a few more seconds before he turned around, opening his mouth a few times as if he wanted to say something else, but then he just hugged Harry briefly, his own way of saying “I’ll still be there no matter what, then he was gone, not able to watch his friend suffer any longer. Harry waited until the back door of their apartment had closed behind him until he went to answer the front door. When he did his heart almost stopped as the words he had prepared got caught in his throat. The man smiled at him just like he had done on their first encounter before he had hit him, beaten him and left him on the street.

He had come back. Back to own him completely.

Harry retreated a few steps, unable to calm his racing thoughts threatening to choke him at any moment. The man still smiled, moving closer now without turning his eyes away from Harry’s face.

“Why so terrified? It’s not like I’m going to hurt you or do something bad to you so there’s no need to be shy. I bet you’re anything but shy when it comes to other things, aren’t you?”

His hand moved up to grab Harry’s chin, not exactly brutal but still unpleasant. His eyes were dark with want, taking in every inch of his face with their deep, dark blue so different from the one Harry had tried to forget before they came to rest on his lips.

“I think it’s time to show me now.”

His lips were just as demanding as his eyes had been before, making Harry lose his breath in a way that wasn’t positive at all. He walked them towards the mattress quickly, eager hands already working on the buttons of his white shirt, almost ripping them open in his effort to touch skin, to get closer. Harry tried to remember how he had done this before, how he had pretended to like what they were doing to him, but he just couldn’t. He felt his hands shaking violently where they came to rest on the sheets as the man pushed him back before he went to straddle him, a smirk playing on his lips when he finally managed to get him out of his shirt, his gaze wandering up and down Harry’s body hungrily while he licked over his lips in anticipation.

“You should have let me do this before it would have made it much better.”

Harry closed his eyes, trying to fight down the nausea rising up inside him.

The man leaned down towards him, his lips brushing across his jawline until they reached his ear.

“Relax, you should be enjoying this.”

The smile in his voice was audible even without seeing it.

“Show me how much you like it. Be a good boy.”

He went down further, biting down at Harry’s collarbones to leave a mark there, his teeth digging into the skin still oversensitive from the fever in time with his fingers expertedly working on his belt buckle. Just as Harry opened his eyes again, lips parted in a silent scream, he stopped, looking up at him with the same smirk he’d had before.

“Yes, that’s it. I know you like it. You have to like it. And you are mine now, remember? Don’t make me punish you.”  
Harry bit his lip so hard it drew blood as the man pushed down his jeans in one rough movement. He didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of a positive reaction to what he was doing, not even a little one. Completely helpless he watched him go down again and leaving marks on his stomach on the places where the wounds from his punches were still visible, not caring in the slightest if it hurt him or not. His part was to give, not to take.

Nails dug into his ribcage, teeth grazed at the fine hair above the waistband of his boxer briefs and Harry had never felt so used before. Of course his body had never belonged to him since he had been forced to do this to survive, but somehow it felt so much worse now. It was more difficult to pretend, to watch someone eyeing him like a delicious meal laid out for them.

He tried to ignore what it meant, that he maybe found it harder to let another person have him, because he had been taken by someone else without even noticing how fast he had given over himself. Someone he belonged to now completely.

Someone he really wanted to belong to.

But he couldn’t. He knew he couldn’t. It wasn’t his job to really give a piece of him to someone. He wasn’t allowed to get involved in it so deep that he felt like he was about to drown when the next one touched him because it seemed like cheating. He wasn’t allowed to let his body intermingle with his emotions again, but when Harry watched the man get out of his own trousers in front of him he knew it would never be like that again. It was much too late. He had already made the mistake. He let his eyes fall shut again and he tried to focus on the beating of his heart instead of the rough hands roaming over him again and again, a steady rhythm above everything.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes, I'll fix them as soon as possible. Otherwise, enjoy and leave comments if you like ;) And of course thank you for reading! x

The next morning Louis woke up to the unfamiliar heat of a body clinging to his.

It took a few moments until he remembered where he was and when the memories of the last night came flooding back he groaned, closing his eyes again in frustration. The feeling wasn’t new, quite the contrary. During the last years he had spent far too many mornings like this, waking up to persons he didn’t know and sneaking out of houses without a last word, in an attempt to forget how much he hated living this live, but in the end it had never worked.

He had always felt even worse after that, hated himself because he had used all those people in the most selfish way possible and the fact that the girls always seemed to fall for his charm immediately and never understood how unimportant this was to him didn’t exactly make it better. So when Jessie shifted slightly in her sleep, one arm still draped over Louis’ waist where it had come to rest during the night it wasn’t different.

The same, dull ache and disappointment all over again. At least he knew what to do with the practice he’d had. Softly in order not to wake her up he pushed her arm off him so he could get out of the bed to collect his clothes carelessly shattered around the bed along with hers.

It was almost scary how fast he slipped back into the routine, how much the quick movements of dragging up trousers, closing shirt buttons and rearranging stubborn strands of hair had become a part of him without him even noticing.

Jessie was still asleep by the time he was ready to leave. He stopped at the door, turning around one last time and when he saw her peaceful figure on the bed, hair all over the place from the night and her face so much younger without the make up on it he briefly wondered if he should do what he should have done all those times he had left unfamiliar houses on morning-afters: Stay and face what he had done. Talk. Be a gentleman.

But he knew he couldn’t. He would be too weak to face the disappointed look on her face when she discovered that it didn’t mean as much as she had thought it would mean. No, it was better that way. It was better if he stayed the coward he was.

The first snow had fallen over night, covering the sidewalks when he stepped out of the house. The “walks-of-shame” had long ago stopped to be embarrassing so he just enjoyed the fresh, cold air clearing his head after the suffocating feeling that had overcome him inside where everything reminded him of his mistake. It was easier now, every step leading him farther away from what he had done and making it easier to breathe.

A quick look on his phone showed Louis that it was far too early to return home yet, barely even seven o’clock, which he actually was quite grateful for. It would give him time to sort out his thoughts until he had to face his father even though he doubted he had noticed his absence. This was one of the bright sides of his life, never having to worry about your parents because they were far too busy to check on you especially on events like the one last night.

The paparazzi probably knew more about some parts of his private live than they did.

Niall and Liam were most likely still asleep, if not he was pretty sure he would have had a concerned message from at least one of them by now so he had at least two hours to fill until he could get back into his house.

Louis somehow regretted not having paid more attention to the area during his drunken cab ride with Jessie last night instead of spending the time letting her kiss him under the displeased gaze of their driver in the rear mirror.

At least he would have known where to get some kind of breakfast if he had. The thought of coffee alone seemed overwhelmingly perfect right now.

It still took him full twenty minute to finally find a bakery, one of typical old English ones with a wall of reddish bricks, a big display window decorated with old fashioned Christmas figurines and even a white, handwritten wood sign above the entrance.

Louis smiled at the sight, happy to finally get something warm after the cold walk in search of caffeine. Inside he was greeted by the intoxicating smell of freshly baken bread mixed with various things he immediately associated with Christmas like cinnamon or oranges.

The shop was almost completely empty apart from two little girls standing in front of the counter with a large bag between them, their noses pressed to the glass to get a better look at the beauties hidden behind it. Louis couldn’t help but smile at the picture and he wished he could be like this again without the pressure of the outside world forcing him into something he didn’t want to be. Maybe those girls would change to, dress up in too expensive clothes and learn to behave the way everyone expected them to, but he hoped that they wouldn’t lose their sweet, childish innocence as fast as he had.

Everyone should be able to conserve at least a little of how it felt like when just watching beautifully decorated sweets was enough to put you in a complete awe.

“How can I help you?”

Louis gaze snapped up from the little girls still standing in front of him to the second shop assistant that had come out from the back of the bakery to help serving the customers, his lips curling up into the familiar smile he had learned to use whenever a woman was around.

“Just a coffee please.”  
“To go?”  
“Yes.”  
He sighed when she had turned away to fill the paper cup for him.

Why was it so difficult? Why couldn’t he even let his guard down a little on a cold winter morning with no one to watch him?

“Anything else.”  
“No, that’d be it, thank you.”  
Louis quickly handed her the money, not even checking if he should wait for his change. Suddenly he wanted to do nothing more than to be out in the cold again where he at least seemed to be able to think clearer. Once outside he kept walking, not caring if he went the wrong way or where he would went up with only occasional breaks to be able to sip on his coffee without spilling it all over himself. When he finally stopped he was surrounded by huge buildings, each one looking exactly identical and only some dogs searching the streets for something edible. He must have kept walking for much longer than it had seemed.

Louis searched his surroundings for something he recognized, but he couldn’t find anything apart from the never ending row of apartment buildings.

What an ironic way to be punished for his actions. Getting lost after he had run away from his own inner walls. Perfect. Really perfect.

He was about to turn around in the direction he supposed he should head to or where he at least hoped to find someone he could ask for the way when his gaze fell onto a young man not far away from him.

Louis immediately recognized the figure sitting there on the low wall in front of the building, the dark brown curls, the long line of the torso, the slim legs. How could he have forgotten? This time Harry wore a winter coat, hands wrapped around a steaming cup of what he assumed was some kind of tea or coffee. He didn’t seem to notice Louis staring at him and maybe this was what gave him the courage to finally risk it. He had waited for this moment so long, longing to see if Harry was alright, that he hadn’t even dared to imagine it actually happening, but faith seemed to have a strange way with him lately. How else was it possible that he had managed to keep running into the one person he wished he could stop to think about without even trying? No matter what it was that had brought him here, he couldn’t let the opportunity go to waste.

With slow, careful steps he approached him, but it wasn’t until the very last one that Harry finally turned his gaze to meet his, eyes widening briefly before he could stop himself. His voice was even deeper than Louis remembered, slightly raspy now with the cold when he finally spoke.

“What are you doing here?”

“I was passing by and saw you so I thought it would be a good opportunity to check on you. It’s not like I had much time for that the last time we met and considering the fact you could barely walk when you left my house I figured it would be nice to know if you made it.”  
“Are you suggesting I should feel bad for it?”  
Harry raised an eyebrow, his expression something between surprised and amused.

“No, absolutely not. I’m just glad you’re alright.”

“What do you really want?”

Now it was Louis’ turn to be surprised.

“What do you mean? I just told you what I want. That’s all there is to it, really.”

For a moment both were silent, Harry’s eyes studying him intently in an invisible search for something he didn’t seem to find, then he suddenly stood up.

“Alright.”

Before he could react Harry was grabbing his wrist, dragging him up through the door and up the stairs of the building behind them so fast that Louis almost tripped over his own feet in the process. They passed a few exactly identical looking doors painted in a dark green, then he was pushed into one of the rooms, heard the door fall shut behind him with a loud thud and felt two pairs of lips on his.

It was harder, more urgent than it had been last time, but this wasn’t the reason for how his body reacted. He had fought so hard to push all of this, the want to do this again, the memory of it in the back of his mind that it completely overwhelmed him now in an immense weave of relief that even made his knee go slightly weak.

Harry’s hands grabbed his waist, steadying him against the door with his body while he continued to work in his lips in the same mixture of frustration and desperation Louis had experienced during the last days, so strong that he felt Harry’s fingers slightly shake on his waist in a moment of weakness before he caught himself again.

When he still didn’t get the eager response he had expected Harry made a frustrated little noise in the back of his throat that almost got Louis swooning again while he grabbed his hands to rest them on his hips in a silent encouragement to go for it, to claim, to take what he wanted. For a few seconds everything narrowed down to them, the heat of their lips, the frames of their body fitting together again, labored breath between kisses and it took all of Louis’ willpower to end this before he couldn’t do it anymore.

Harry’s eyes were still closed when Louis opened his, the eyelashes flickering as he slowly opened them to reveal dark, dark all-consuming emerald green full of genuine confusion now. Louis had to look away for a moment to collect himself, afraid of what else he might find if he looked longer or that he might lose all coherent thoughts if he did. He didn’t want to see the hurt or the pity. He had to do this. He had come all this way for it after all.

“I’m sorry, as much as I enjoy this, it is not what I wanted when I told you I needed to see you.”, he finally whispered, his gaze cautiously searching for Harry’s face again. Harry’s eyes widened slightly in surprise, but his face remained calm, not giving away what he felt.

“What did you want then? Isn’t this what you normally come to get here?”  
“Yes it is, but still not the reason for it. I already told you that I was just passing by and it gave me the opportunity to check on you when I saw you. I couldn’t stand the thought of you being hurt or lying somewhere on a street again because you were too weak to get here in the state you were in. I just had to know.”

“You shouldn’t have done that. I’m fine. Perfectly fine.”

“Why do you lie to me?”

With those words something clicked in Harry. Louis could see it in the way his jaw clenched and his fingers tensed where they were still curled around Louis’ waist. Now he drew them back, retreating a few steps as if Louis was a wild animal he had to be careful with.

There was a different kind of fire in his gaze now, a fire so destructive that terrified Louis, full of anger.

“I told you not to intermingle with my life anymore. I can’t give you anything, don’t you understand that? I don’t even have control over my own actions so there is absolutely no use in asking me for something I can’t offer. I’ll never be able to be what you might want me to be no matter how much you bet for it. The only thing I can offer is my body just like I do with all other people that come here for me so either you accept to take me in that way and leave after or you go now without it. It’s that simple.”

“Is it really so bad that I want to know how you are? I’m not asking you to run away with me or to be with me in any kind of way, I just want to know if you’re okay.”  
“Is it so bad that I don’t want you to do it?”

Harry ran a hand through his curls, obviously frustrated now, but not as angry as he had been before.

“Look, I’m sorry if I’m being harsh, but this is completely useless, don’t you understand that? This is not your world, not your place and there is no need for you to try to change that. I have spent almost two years here without anyone trying to help me and as you see I survived.

I appreciate your effort, but I’m not going to drag you into this and you shouldn’t try to force me to. I’ll be fine without it.“

“I don’t want to control you in any way and I understand why you don’t want me to demand anything further, but I don’t understand why you push me away like that as soon as I treat you in a different way than all those other peoples who come to see you? Am I so bad that you don’t even want to talk to me?”

That’s is exactly the problem, Harry wanted to scream, you are different. Too different. A dangerous kind of different. I don’t deserve to be treated like that. I can’t afford to be treated like that. I want to have what I’m used to and not something that makes my heart beat faster with the newness of it. I can’t let it get out of control.

“You’re not.”, he said instead, voice a little quieter than usual, “I just…”

Harry stopped and for the split of a second Louis could see something like regret, a silent apology in his eyes, but it was gone again so fast that he later wondered if he had just imagined it.

“I can’t.”  
“Why not?”  
There was another pause, almost painfully long for Louis before Harry gave his answer, final and so brutal that it made Louis breath stop for several moments.

“Because I belong to someone else.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Harry finally makes a move...towards the wrong person. Sorry again for any mistakes I'll try to fix them as soon as possible!

t was Zayn who found him two hours later and even though it was kind of inevitable Harry still wished he hadn’t. He didn’t want him to have to help him again or to have to see him like this especially when he couldn’t even explain why the whole thing affected him so much.

Wasn’t this what he was supposed to do? End something that would destroy him if he didn’t? Fee himself so he could turn back to who he had been before, function again?

And if it was why didn’t it feel right? Why had it hurt so much when he had seen Louis leave without another word, his eyes so full of disappointment and, even worse than that, silent understanding? After he had left he had curled up on his mattress and cried for far too long, feeling like he suddenly had been cut from air as well as from everything that still kept him together until he had heard the sound of a key turning in the front door. He had tried to wipe away the tears, but of course it hadn’t done much to hide his shaking hands or the new tears streaming down his face despite all of his efforts to stop.

Zayn didn’t even bother to say something after he came in, he just went over to the mattress, sat down beside him and pulled Harry into his arms just like he had done the day before, rubbing gentle circles into the small of his back until his sobs had calmed down to long, drawn out breaths against his chest. Harry subconsciously gripped Zayn’s wrist after a few moments, his eyes closed now, as if he was afraid that he would go to, leave him alone with all this mess he still didn’t understand, all those feelings he didn’t want to have.

Zayn let him, ignored the pain from the nails digging into his skin and just kept holding him to show him he would always be there as long as he needed him.

Only when he had stopped shaking did Zayn speak, even quieter than usual as if he was afraid to scare him away otherwise.

“What happened? Did he come again?”  
Harry shook his head, still not completely trusting his voice right now.

“Then it was the boy, right? You wouldn’t be so shaken up for anyone else.”  
This made him rise from Zayn’s chest, eyes widened.

“How would you know that?”

“I’m your friend, Harry. I know when something affected you and whatever you had during that night, it certainly did. And it’s not bad just so we’re clear here. I don’t mean that to be judgmental in any kind of way. In fact I was really happy that you were happy.

That morning when you returned home from his house and thought I wasn’t watching was the first time in months that I have seen you smile a genuine, real, smile.”

“It doesn’t matter.”  
His voice was raspy from crying, his eyes softened by the tears into a green that looked like leaves washed out by a strong rain.  
“I sent him away.”  
“Why?”

“Because I was afraid.”

Harry turned to look at him and this was the second time Zayn found it hard to return his gaze, because it wasn’t just sad, it was broken. Defeated. Battered by a life that had him forced to grow up far too fast without ever taking care of himself like he deserved.

“I was afraid that he would show me even more of the things I couldn’t have and that I wouldn’t be able to stop coming back for them afterwards. In the last days it was so hard for me to do what we have done so many times, because I couldn’t remember how I have done it before, how I have dealt with all those rough hands, claiming teeth and hungry looks that didn’t mean anything. He was the first one to care for me, to be gentle and it terrified me.

I was completely paralyzed, not even sure how I was supposed to react so I did the only thing I could think of: I pushed him away.”  
“How?”  
“I told him that I belong to someone else.”

“Do you?”  
Zayn’s tone was completely serious, his eyes just as gentle and somehow it made something in Harry snap. He wasn’t able to think clearly or process what he was doing, he just wanted him to stop and not to have those dark eyes on him that seemed to see so much more than they should have so he leaned forward and pressed his lips to his. It felt strangely familiar even after all that time, like coming home to the beginning of all he had gotten himself to when Zayn had still had to teach him how to kiss properly and they would have had to stop after every second kiss because they had both been laughing at how shy Harry was being. This was the only thing that had changed, his lips moving with practiced ease now, begging to be kissed back. Harry heard himself whimper softly, not even knowing what he was asking for with it himself. To be finally turned back to his previous self? To be distracted? To be helped to forget? To be loved? It didn’t matter. Not now. His hands moved up to Zayn’s shoulders, pulling him in, more and more desperate with each passing moment, desperate for a response, just anything before they both would come back to their senses.

For a moment Zayn even returned the kiss out of habit, then he pulled away, his eyes more sad than angry, a little smile curling around them. He placed a hand on Harry’s bicep to squeeze it lightly as a way of saying that he understood.

“As much as I appreciate your surprise I can’t give you what you want. I already told you that I love you like my own brother and that means I have to protect you. I can’t let you lie to yourself. This kiss wasn’t for me, this kiss was for him.”

Harry couldn’t even say something like that. Every word he might have thought of was chocked in new tears welling up.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I just don’t want you to hurt yourself more than you already did. I know that everything is very difficult at the moment, but the new deal shouldn’t keep you from being happy. You don’t own our boss anything, not if he treats us like dirt. You deserve to be happy despite everything and you have suffered enough in your life for two people.

You have been extremely brave during the whole time you have been here and I can’t tell you how much I admire you for that, but this doesn’t change the fact that it wasn’t right.

You shouldn’t have been forced to be mature beyond your age, to grow up so fast. You were barely even a man when you came here and you never had the opportunity to life the life a boy of your age should life. I can’t give you what you have been missing as much as I want to, but maybe he can.

It’s time to think of yourself.”

Harry nodded, biting his lips to keep the tears from flowing down.

“Don’t be afraid of punishment. If he wants to punish you, he’ll have to get through me first. And now let’s get you into bed. You look more than a little exhausted.”  
“I can’t sleep now, you know that. We have to work tonight.”

Zayn shook his head determinately, his look clearly saying that he wouldn’t accept any objection.

“You’re not going anywhere. I’ll tell them you’re sick just like I should have done yesterday and if he even tries to get you out of here he’ll have to fight me. I promise you that. Now make yourself comfortable on here and I’ll bring you another blanket, alright? Maybe tea, too?”  
Harry obliged, lying down on his back, suddenly feeling incredibly tired from the crying and all those new emotions he still threatening to choke him. Zayn silently watched him for a few moments with a pleased smile, happy to finally see his friend starting to give into the sleep he so desperately needed, then he moved to get up the mattress, only to be immediately held back on his wrist by Harry’s fingers.

He sat back down, raising an questioning eyebrow at him.

Harry returned his gaze with an unsure, almost vulnerable look similar to the one of a little child that was afraid to be left in the dark without his parents, lower lip drawn between his teeth.

“Stay here?”, he finally asked, voice only a whisper in the silent room.

Zayn didn’t answer; he just laid down beside him, putting an arm around Harry’s waist while he turned his back towards him to make himself comfortable. They both quickly started to drift off, eyelids becoming heavier with every passing moment despite the fact that it was just late afternoon and breathing calming down to a soft, steady rhythm matching the one of their hearts. Zayn was already almost asleep when he heard Harry’s voice again, soft like drops of honey in his tiredness.

“What have I done to deserve you?”

“Nothing.”, Zayn mumbled, softly pulling him in a little more towards him to show him that he was being serious, “I’m like your older brother, remember? You’ll always have me as a family and that’s what families do. They try to be there for each other as best as they can.”

“Thank you so much.”  
“Thank me by being happy.”

Zayn pressed a quick kiss to Harry’s curls.

“Then I’ll be happy, too.”

After that they were silent again, warm bodies pressed together in a comforting embrace and it was the first time in a long while that Harry actually felt loved. It was not the kind of love he had given up on completely before that night a few days ago, but for the moment it was more than enough for him. It was then, with the sound of Zayn’s quite breaths and the feeling of his arms around his waist, holding him like it was the only thing that mattered, that he found it hard to understand what he had been afraid of. Even if he wasn’t ready to let it get to him entirely Harry began to see that whatever it was that he was feeling wasn’t something bad or threatening. Love wasn’t something to be scared of, because it was gentle despite all its power, forgiving with all its demands.

During all those years he had never noticed how much this brotherly bond he shared with Zayn had steadied him, reassured him and helped him through everything. It had made him feel worthy when everyone told him he wasn’t and kept him from breaking when he had been so close to give up on himself. It had been his home when he had left his real one and his family when he had lost it. He could only begin to imagine how much more the strong feeling he had now would be able to give him if he only allowed it.

And in this moment so close to sleep, Zayn’s warm form curled around him, soft breaths caressing his neck he knew exactly what he had to do.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Harry makes his move...Sorry that this one got so short, but there'll be longer ones soon. And sorry for any mistakes!

The news hit the tabloids the next day.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t expected it, but it still never failed to surprise him how much interest people had in the personal lives of others they didn’t even know just because they happened to be born into a rich or famous family. The story of him leaving the party with Jessie was the main topic on the front page of every London gossip magazine, a welcome feast for the journalist especially as he had recently been photographed with a male prostitute on his birthday, too. It was always the same photo they used, both of them looking clearly drunk, holding onto each other with beaming smiles on their faces, his arms around her waist, hers around his hips, one of the straps of her dress slipped over her shoulder and both of their cheeks flushed red from alcohol.

The headlines were a little more creative, ranging from “Louis Tomlinson now dating London’s new music star Jessie Leighton?” to more offensive ones like “A gorgeous boy and a hot girl in just one week. Who’s next on the list?”

It wasn’t as embarrassing as it probably should have been, but it still made him squirm internally when he thought about how wrong the picture was the people got of him. Or maybe it wasn’t wrong. Maybe he had really become this desperate to get into bed with everything half-way good-looking and willing enough. Maybe he had really lost it this time.

It was easy to put the excuse on the alcohol involved in both cases, but Louis knew that it had been more than that. On that night with Harry something had irrevocably changed inside him and even though he couldn’t tell what or how strong it was yet he knew tell that it was the reason for everything that had happened later, because he had tried so hard to fight it.

Jessie hadn’t been a victim of his womanizer ways so much than the victim of what he was trying to come to terms with in his emotions. Just another person he had hurt without meaning to. Just another one disappointed by him.

_“Louis I can’t let you do this anymore. If I was just your father I’d maybe accept it or at least give you the time to figure out on your own that this isn’t doing you any good, but I’m not just your father, I’m your boss, too and there is a whole company on stake._

_When will you learn to take responsibility? When will you understand that everything you do has direct consequences on your image and that your image is the most important thing you will ever have? This is about simple public appearance. Do whatever you want, but do it in private. Is that really so difficult to get? You of all people should be able to understand it, you have grown up with it after all! Have you ever seen me or your mother on the front page of a gossip magazine? Not even your brother or your sister have made as many appearances as you have and this is shameful, son. Just shameful. You’re going to be the biggest embarrassment this family has ever had. Do you want that? Do you want to be remembered as a drunken, whoring-around failure?_

“No you should have seen her she was drop dead gorgeous!”  
“I’d bet on that with your high standards. But I think Louis still got the cake yesterday. Don’t you at least want to tell us what she was like? I’m dying for the details.”

“Louis? Are you even listening?”

Louis’ eyes snapped up from the spot on the table he had been staring at to meet Niall’s eyes, sparkling with amusement at the sight.

“You definitely were not. She must have truly bewitched you! Now come one, spill it. What happened with that hot singer of yours?”

Louis rolled his eyes at Niall’s enthusiasm while he laid down the sandwich he had been eating on the plate in front of him. Of course he and Liam had seen him leave with Jessie, too as had probably every other person in the room including the paparazzi waiting outside for a good story and they hadn’t let this opportunity for a fair amount of teasing go to waste when they had shown up for a late breakfast.

“I already told you that I’m not giving you any details and it’s none of your business what we did or didn’t do.”

“Louis did the walk of shame again. I can’t believe it!

“I don’t see how that concerns you in any way.”  
“Don’t be ridiculous! Just because you probably didn’t like it doesn’t mean you have to be grumpy now.”

“I’m not.”

“You sure are! But we’ll leave soon for the city anyway, we haven’t had a proper afternoon out for so long. How about you? Joining in?”, Liam interrupted them, his eyes on Louis expectantly. He genuinely thought about it for a moment, how good it would be to have a little distraction from everything and to be able to forget at last for a few hours.

It would be nice, familiar, comforting. But was there even anything to be comforted? Was he really so hurt that he couldn’t cope with it on his own?

“No, I don’t think will. I’m still really tired, sorry.”

“Alright, mate we’ll get going then. Try not to drown in self-pity over your hot hook-up while we’re away.”

Niall patted his shoulder almost sympathetically while Liam got ready to leave, too.  
“I’ll try.”

“That’s it. Sarcasm suits you better.”

Louis sighed, then he wordlessly accompanied his friends to the door, giving each one a hug as a goodbye. After he had closed it again he leaned against the cold wood with a long, drawn-out breath. He could hear their footsteps leading away from the house, getting more and more inaudible until everything was completely silent again. Now that there was no banter to keep his mind from it, no banter or other things to occupy him everything came back with full force. It had taken him the whole last day to forget what had happened, to push it out of his mind and calm down enough to be able to face another human being, but now he doubted that he had ever succeeded. It was like he was trapped, trapped by his own thoughts, his own emotions and no matter how hard he tried he wasn’t able to shut down Harry’s last words replaying over and over again in his head even if they seemed to hurt more with every time instead of making it easier and echoing in the silence.

Because I belong to someone else.

It was logical, almost ridiculously so. Of course he would be taken, why wouldn’t he? Certainly Louis wasn’t the only one to think that this boy was the most beautiful human being he had ever laid his eyes upon and who wouldn’t be put off by his profession if you could even call it that. Harry was far too perfect to be running around single and he should have known better than to give into an insane teenage girl crush so easily.

Louis breathed again, focusing entirely it to push back those thoughts again, but he was violently interrupted when someone knocked on the door behind him so insistent that it sent shivers down Louis’ back still leaned against it.

Louis frowned, briefly wondering who might be so desperate to get into his house at this time and who wouldn’t have a key to do so, then he decided that he didn’t care.

“Just a second!”  
With a defeated sigh he pushed off the door to open it, half-expecting Liam or Niall to return or his dad to check on him after his angry speech that morning, but the sight that greeted him was much better than he could have ever imagined. It was different, the kind of different to take one’s breath away, one of the times when it felt like everything finally fell together, like a cold shower on a hot summers day, the sound of your favorite song on the radio exactly when you need to hear it, the one person that says “You’re beautiful” and finally makes you believe it, the one sight that makes you stop and take in a breath because it’s so beautiful, this one moment so perfect that you want to bottle in forever.

Outside on his doorstep stood a painfully, utterly, completely beautiful looking Harry, even more perfect than he remembered him, his eyes even greener, the hair even darker, the look even more intense. For a moment all they did was breathe. Take in each other’s presence.

Ask silent, never-answered questions with their eyes.

Louis opened his mouth to speak a few times, but the words got struck in his throat, suddenly too many, too much to speak out at once. In the end he didn’t need to.

All the words he might have said were swallowed by soft lips seconds later.

They were just as demanding as they had been in the room the day before, but this time Louis could feel that it was a different kind of it in the way that Harry’s hands trembled where they came to cup his cheeks and the rushed intakes of air between the kisses as if he was afraid to be pushed away if he gave him enough time to think.

Louis’ head was spinning with the overwhelming sensation of Harry suddenly filling everything around him, his smell, his touches, his warm skin, the soft, repeated kisses on his lips and it felt more right than he would have ever thought possible. He knew he should have slowed down or at least asked for an explanation, but right now with the heat of Harry’s body gently pressing him into the door he couldn’t do anything else than respond.

It didn’t matter anymore how they had ended their last encounter, it didn’t matter that they lived in different worlds or that they hadn’t even had the chance for a proper talk yet. All that mattered was where they were now now and how it was so simple this was like everything was finally falling into place. Louis tried to transport this feeling with his lips, gentler, softer and more caring than he had ever been able to do with anyone else.

When they pulled away it was for the much needed air, but even then they only moved enough to catch their breaths, faces still only inches away from each other.

“Tell me you don’t want me. Please. Tell me to go.”, Harry breathed, resting his forehead against Louis with his eyes still closed, eyelashes drawing delicate shadows over his cheeks.

Louis pulled his hand up to stroke a thumb over them, soft and reassuring.

“Never.”

“Push me away.”

“I would be stupid to do that. I’m not letting you go like this again.”

Harry opened his eyes, the green so dark, so intense that Louis’ breath caught in his throat for a moment. He studied Louis’ expression, searching for something he couldn’t seem to find before he bit his kiss-swollen bottom lip, obviously trying to remain in control.

“You can’t be serious. I’m worthless. I don’t have anything you might want.”

“You are what I want. You don’t have to give me anything else. And you’re not worthless, you’re worth so much more than half of those men walking around in suits every day.”

Harry closed his eyes again at those words and Louis could feel his hands tighten in the fabric of his T-Shirt seconds before he answered with two simple words.

“Show me.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Harry and Louis finally have their morning-after conversation

It took Harry several moments to figure out what had woken him up.

The sun was already shining through the curtains, illuminating the unfamiliar room around him with its warm light. The first thing he noticed was that he was only wearing his boxer shorts and the pillows around him still carried the smell of the last night, soft but clearly noticeable. That was when it finally hit him: He was alone. There was no arm around him, no noises of soft breathing next to him, nothing. Harry closed his eyes again for a moment, desperately wishing away the stinging ache of disappointment threatening to tighten up his chest and letting stubborn tears well up in his eyes along with an overwhelming weave of self-hatred.

How could he have been so stupid to do this? He had practically risked everything by coming here, acted against all of his instincts that told him to stop and given himself over, but for what? To be left alone the next morning? To end up like some thrown-away toy again?

He drew a hand over his face, trying to calm his heartbeat.

Maybe this was what he deserved for being so naïve. He had been right when he had given up on love. He shouldn’t have believed this was going to change just because he wanted it to and now he had to face the consequences. It wasn’t like Louis had ever had any obligation to stay with him. All he had asked for was to show him that he cared for him and he had done that so it was only logical that he left after it. This wasn’t a Hollywood movie, this was real life and in real life you don't get a breakfast with roses on morning-afters. In real live you got headaches and awkward conversations. When he was sure that he wouldn’t cry like one of those overdramatic girls in TV series left by their boyfriend he opened his eyes again, slowly turning to the side where Louis had fallen asleep and his gaze immediately fell onto a white sheet of paper lying there on top of the abandoned pillow.

Harry frowned while he reached out to take it, his heartbeat speeding up again without him being able to do anything about it. It was a page ripped out from a small calendar, a hastily written message scribbled under the “6th of December” with a black pen.

_I’m sorry I didn’t stay, but you looked so utterly beautiful and peaceful that I couldn’t bring myself to wake you up. In case you still want to see me you’ll find me in the kitchen with a hopefully delicious breakfast and maybe a kiss waiting for you. Love, Lou_

He read it at least three times before he allowed the smile that had tucked on the corner of his lips to spread over his lips completely. The feeling was so intense that Harry even had to hide his face into the pillow to keep himself from bursting with happiness. It was a completely unfamiliar situation for him, but a good kind of unfamiliar. He had almost forgotten how nice it was to be genuinely smiling like this, to be happy for something as simple as a written note.

He had never felt so loved, so completely safe in his life apart from the few years he had been able to spend with his family. It was something so extraordinary that he wanted to remember it as long as possible so when he got out of bed a few a few minutes later Harry carefully folded the note and slipped it into the pocked of his jeans he found lying where it had been carelessly thrown on the ground.

He quickly pulled his T-Shirt over his head as well before he made his way out of the door to look for Louis, the smile not leaving his face for a moment. The house was bigger than he remembered it, but he hadn’t exactly noticed much on his first stay given the fact that he had been in quite a severe feverish state.

When he saw the painted walls, ran his hands over the exquisite metal bars of the balustrade, he began to understand how different their worlds really were, but somehow it didn’t scare him or make him feel uncomfortable in the slightest, not when there was this gorgeous boy who wanted him back waiting in the kitchen, a faint smell of freshly baked pancakes and a voice humming a soft tune was enough to lead him there.  
Harry stopped in the doorframe, just watching with his arms crossed in front of his chest as Louis set the freshly made breakfast onto their plates, decorating the pancakes with dark chocolate sauce. It took a few moments until Louis noticed him, his eyes lighting up in a way that made Harry’s heart flutter again.

“Good morning beautiful. Slept well?”  
“Yes, I did thank you. This looks incredible.”  
He went over to the table to get a better look while Louis pulled his arms around his waist, his breath tickling Harry’s neck when he spoke.

“You deserve nothing less.”  
“I really don’t know what I’ve done to make you think so high of me.”  
“You don’t have to. It’s enough if I know. And now let’s eat before everything gets cold.”  
Harry turned around in Louis’ arms, still smiling and gently pushed a strand of hair out of his eyes

“What about the kiss you promised me?”  
“Always up for that.”, Louis grinned, standing on his tip toes to meet his lips.

Harry moved backwards a little, almost sending one of the plates falling down when his hands came to rest on the table for support. They pulled away laughing, trying to catch their sped up breaths.

“Don’t ruin my kitchen on our first morning together, we want to have something left, don’t we?”  
“I’ll try, but first I need to be fed. I’m starving.”  
“I don’t think that’ll be a problem Here, try this one.”

Louis reached out to take one of the forks, placed a little piece of pancake on it and held it out for him to eat. Harry arched an eyebrow, his smile growing even more.

“You are really taking the feeding literally aren’t you?”  
“Are you hungry or not?”  
He didn’t answer, just leaned forward and took the bite from the fork, his eyes not leaving Louis with a teasing smirk around his lips.

“Trying to remind me of last night?”  
“Maybe.”, Harry mumbled around his mouthful of pancake with the smirk still there.  
“Not very convincing so far. But the beginning was sexy, I grant you…”

Before Louis could say anything else Harry closed the distance between them for another kiss. He could feel Harry smiling into it, his mouth tasting like chocolate and this was more perfect than he could have ever imagined anything being.

Since he had seen Harry hurt on the street, beaten up, unconscious in his bed and with that immense fear in his eyes when he had woken up or when he had told him he belonged to someone else Louis had longed for nothing more than to make him smile again so being able to witness this overflowing happiness so strong that he couldn’t even control his constant grin was better than anything else he had ever experienced.

This time it was the sound of Harry’s phone that made them end their kiss early.

Harry cursed under his breath while he tried to fiddle it out of the back pocket of his ridiculously tight black jeans, tapping on the screen a few times after he had finally succeeded. His brows were furrowed in concentration, rising up slightly when he read the message along with his widening eyes.

The light mood from before had disappeared completely, the laughter replaced by the soft sound of the clock ticking in the background now. It was so silent that Louis almost thought Harry should be able to hear his heart beating louder in anticipation of him telling him what the message said, something he wasn’t quite sure if he wanted to hear at all.

Harry was vaguely aware of Louis’ gaze set firmly on him, waiting patiently for him to speak, but he couldn’t do anything else than stare for a few moments above the rush of his blood in his ears, his body tensing up more with every second as he tried to process the words he had just read. It was a message from Zayn, a brutal reminder of his reality, a reality that had never been being happy with someone.

His reality was to obey and now it was time to go back to it.

_You don’t even know how happy I am for you (don’t ask how I know, I just do), but I have to protect you and that means you have to go home as soon as you can at least for today. He’s going to be there earlier. I’ll distract him as long as it takes you, don’t worry. Tell Louis I say hello and that I’ll kill him if he breaks your heart. Zayn x_

Louis knew something was wrong as soon as he met Harry’s eyes filled with the same kind of fear he had never wanted to see in them again.

“I have to go.”

“Why? What did the message say?”  
“I’m sorry.”

Harry didn’t give him any time to react, too fast for him to even reach out for him, before he was out of the kitchen. He didn’t want to see how he had hurt Louis again, didn’t want this questioning look scanning over him or to answer his questions he didn’t have the answers to. The only thing he thought repeatedly was how it was possible for one human being to make so many mistakes. He had done so well, kept up his walls for so long and now he had managed to get himself so deep into all of this in just one week that he had no idea if he would ever be able to get out of it. He had allowed himself to break the biggest rule of all.

He had let himself to fall in love with one of his clients.

The fact that he couldn’t even feel guilty or think of it as a mistake even though it was against he was allowed to do was enough to show him just how hopeless his situation had become. Maybe he had been wrong. Maybe he should have never left the house at all, never given in to his need to see Louis again. He would only end up hurting both of them, not just emotionally but physically as well and he couldn’t do that to him.

He couldn’t drag Louis into this mess any farther.

The streets began to blur into a mix of indistinguishable mix of dark colors as frustrated tears began to fill Harry’s eyes. He quickly wiped them away with the back of his hand, taking a deep breath to refocus, but it still took three attempts until he had finally composed an answer for Zayn and sent it. Luckily the streets were empty at this time of the day so it didn’t take longer than normal to get to their flat. For a moment Harry even considered taking a bus, but he almost instantly decided against it. He couldn’t face anyone now and he would need the money for more important things anyway.

Maybe the air would help him clear his emotions.

Harry couldn’t help but think that this must be what the walk to your execution felt like when he finally arrived at the huge building. His steps were heavy and almost unnaturally loud to his ears on the staircase, each one of them leading him father up to his destiny.

The corridor was still empty, all doors to the rooms closed as most of the boys working here would still be sleeping at that time apart from their own. Harry felt his heartbeat pick up pace again at the sight, his throat going dry at the thought of what awaited him.

He saw him long before he entered the room, a shadow in the crack of the door, and when they were face to face it took all of his strength not to turn around running without a second thought.

“You are late.”  
The blue of the man’s eyes was exactly as cold as Harry remembered like dangerous, thin ice on a lake threatening to drown you in the water underneath it with the first false step.

“I hope you have a good explanation.”  
“I was just getting breakfast.”, Harry finally managed, quiet but insistent.

“Breakfast?”  
The man moved closer, breath smelling slightly from leftover alcohol.

“Are you honestly expecting me to believe you?”

“Why wouldn’t you?”  
His hands fisted in Harry’s shirt to yank it down, exposing a good part of his upper chest in the process while he took in every inch, his look getting more and more angry with each passing second as he did so. When he met Harry’s gaze again his eyes were on fire.

“And the lovebites? Were they included in the price, too?”  
The hand holding his T-Shirt was joined by the other one now, both working together to pull it over Harry’s head in one angry motion. The man stopped for a moment when it was done, gaze roaming over his body once again, taking in each mark, all of them clearly visible now without the clothing to cover them up.

“You deserve your name. You’re a whore, a damn whore. But I’ll teach you to be my whore.”  
He closed the distance, grabbing Harry’s jaw between his fingers to force him to look at him.

“Repeat what I say now: I. belong. to. George.”

Harry bit his lip, but didn’t turn his eyes away. The words were struck on the tip of his tongue, bitter and false. It wasn’t an act of bravery that hindered him to say it, it was laughing, clear blue so different to the one staring at him now, eye crinkles and a soft voice telling him what he was worth without him asking for it, it was the smell of pancakes, the feeling of skin touching skin, breathless kisses and the note still folded in his jeans pocket.

He couldn’t say it because it was wrong and because he knew the truth.

George’s fingers became tighter on his jaw, nails digging into the sensitive skin under his chin.

“Say it.”

Harry stayed silent, not ready to give up so easily.

George backed away a little and slapped him over the face so hard that Harry stumbled back a few steps before he could catch himself.

“I’m going to ask you just one more time: Repeat my words.”

There was another moment of silent staring, then Harry gave in, his voice shaking and just a whisper chocked with held-back tears from the slap before.

“I belong to George.”  
George smiled, obviously pleased, and moved closer again, grabbing Harry’s waist now to pull him in.

“And now I’m going to punish you so that you’ll remember that forever.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everyone loves Zayn (kind of)...The ending of this one is so so cheesy and cliché but oh well...

Harry was still asleep when Zayn returned to their shared flat to look for him early the next morning. He closed the door behind him as silently as possible before he dropped his jacked on one of the chairs without bothering to turn the lights on, but even in the dim light falling into their room Zayn could see how broken, how fragile Harry looked.

He had his knees pulled up to his chest in a fetal position, arms hugging himself in his sleep and a little frown on his forehead as if everything that had happened continued to haunt him in his dreams. The fingers of his right hand were loosely curled around something that looked like a white paper with a note written on it he had probably read before falling asleep.

Suddenly incredibly tired Zayn sat down beside Harry while he gently brushed a few curls out of his battered face. Now that he was so close he could see the swelling on Harry’s jaw from the insistent blow of a strong hand as well as clearly noticeable, aggressively red teeth marks all over his neck, shoulders, arms and chest. Zayn bit his lip to keep from making a whimpering sound at the sight. This man was a monster, a monster he had been too weak to protect his friend from even though he had promised it.

“I’m sorry.”, he whispered, “You don’t even know how much. I’ve been the worst friend in this world and I have failed in every single aspect. When you came here I thought it would be best to prepare you, but now I begin to realize that even that was wrong. I shouldn’t have prepared you by teaching you how to kiss or how to please our clients, I should have pushed you out of here before this monster could have grabbed you and used you like he does now.

I’m used to be beaten and treated like that, I haven’t been a perfect person even before I came here, but you are different. You are still this sweet, innocent boy and most importantly you still have the ability to love. You are able to give away your deepest emotions even though you have known nothing but hurt by other people and I look up to you so much for that. It is a gift and I’m not letting you waste it.   
I couldn’t keep him from coming for you today, but maybe I can keep you from giving up on what you have discovered with Louis. I know his name because you sometimes talk about him in your sleep, you know? And he has blue eyes. You said that a lot.

You should keep looking into them. Hold onto them. They are real. It’s not this room, this job, not even me. They are where you belong. Give him the chance to make you whole.”  
When Zayn gently ran his fingers through Harry’s slightly sweaty curls again his eyelids fluttered while they held onto the images of his latest dream, then suddenly tired green eyes were looking at him with sleepy recognition.

“Zayn…”  
“Go back to sleep, Haz. I won’t go anywhere.”, Zayn whispered, moving his hand to gently stroke over Harry’s forehead with it.  
“How late is it?”  
“Too early.”  
“How long have I slept?”

“Not long enough. I have just arrived and I was happy to find you like this. You must be exhausted.”  
He couldn’t help the bitter tone to his words even though he tried to take the edge from it for Harry’s sake. Harry still seemed to sense what the thought and put a hand on his arm.

“It wasn’t that bad. And I knew you couldn’t be there. You’re not my bodyguard. You did nothing wrong.”  
“Don’t tell me it wasn’t that bad when I can see the evidence myself.”

Zayn moved his hand lower to rest on Harry’s swollen cheekbone almost without pressure.

“This isn’t “not that bad”. This is more than bad. You are a human being and no matter what job you have to do to be able to survive this definitely shouldn’t be a part of it.

This is a case for the curt, not for you to deal with.”  
“Please just leave it. I’m happy that you are here and this is all that counts.”  
“No it isn’t, Harry. Don’t you understand? He ruined the first real thing you ever had, the first morning you could wake up next to a person you really loved, the first time you got a kiss that showed you how much this person cared for you and the first time you could be with someone in a physical way because you actually wanted to.”  
“How could you know what I did?”  
“It doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do. Even if you just spent the night talking or lying next to each other I know that you care for Louis more than for anyone else and it is beautiful, really beautiful. I’m not letting this monster ruin that, too.”  
“As much as I appreciate your effort I’m afraid you’re late. I have decided.”  
“What? What have you decided?”  
“I can’t drag Louis into this. He has already seen too much of what I have to put up with and I can see that it’s hard for him even at that stage to pretend that he doesn’t care. He’ll reject me sooner or later and I don’t think I’ll be able to handle that.”

Zayn nodded at the paper in Harry’s hands without giving a response to his statement.

“Is that from him?”  
Harry flinched slightly, instinctively holding the note closer to his chest.

“I won’t look at it if you don’t want to.”  
“Yes it is. He left it when he went down to make breakfast for us and I guess I…”

He stopped to find the right words, his bottom lip caught between his teeth before he looked at Zayn again.

“…just wanted something to remind me. To tell me that this was real. But it doesn’t mean I can hold onto it no matter how much I might want to.”

“Do you know how I got here?”

“Just like me. Bad timing and no other choice.”  
“No, that’s not everything. I didn’t tell you one little detail about, because I have tried so hard to keep it inside to be able to handle it at all, but I feel like this is the time to finally share it if this is what it takes to keep you from doing this to yourself I’ll do it.”  
Harry was silent again, silently asking him to continue.

Zayn didn’t look at him again, his eyes fixed on something different while he slowly started to speak, obviously fighting for every single word, hands fisted in the hem of his thin shirt.

“I was twelve years old when it happened. It was a really hot summer day, one of those where it seems like you can literally feel the heat in the air, touch it and taste it on your tongue if you only try hard enough. My sister had made her driving license only a few days before and took me and a few friends from her school out to a trip to a nearby little river.

When we arrived home it was still much too warm to fall asleep so we decided to go for some ice cream in the city after her friends had left, just the two of us. We didn’t plan for it to take long, we just wanted to grab the ice and go home again so my sister could cook for our parents before they returned from their work.  
I still remember that I had strawberry that day. I don’t know why, normally hate it, but somehow it seemed appealing to me that day. My sister got chocolate. She always got chocolate ever since I can remember her. On our way back it happened.

He was alone, wearing a dark coat even in the evening heat that let him melt against the facades of the houses in twilight slowly falling over the city, unnoticeable to us. He had raging, brown eyes, a fire burning in them I didn’t understand at first, that’s all I know. He went for me first, but it all happened so quickly that it almost seems surreal in hindsight. My sister tried to shield me and the guy let go of me to take her instead.

I didn’t watch what happened afterwards. I was too terrified, too of what I might see to stay. When my sister returned with blood on her face, her legs still trembling and her lip bitten I wanted to die on the spot. My mother told me it wasn’t my fault, that I would have been to weak to do anything about it anyway, but I could never bring myself to believe her.

In my first attempt to calm my guilty consciousness I spent the next few months trying to find the monster that had done this to her and when I finally found him I beat him up as best as I could. Strangely it didn’t help me to feel better, quite the contrary: It just made me feel worse.

I hated myself so much that I wanted nothing more than to hurt myself or to be hurt like she was so I went here as some kind of self-punishment. My parents still don’t know what I do, I just told them I’ll work for our living in London and send them as much of the money I earn her every month.”  
Zayn’s voice was shaking now, but Harry didn’t dare to move even though he wanted nothing more than to comfort his friend, still taking in what he had just told him. When Zayn turned to look at him again his eyes were glistening wet and incredibly tired.

“So don’t be afraid to do what you want. I was afraid, afraid to defend my sister and get hurt myself and I will never get over this no matter how long I might live. Don’t put yourself through the same. Don’t let yourself live with the “what if”’s and “maybe”’s. This isn’t the life of our boss, this is your life and you should take what you want. Other people’s opinions or your own fear are bad excuses when you could have what you want if you just tried, believe me.”  
“Thank you.”  
Harry didn’t even know for what specifically he was thanking Zayn. For being there? For having told him this story that must have hurt him so much? For having helped him with his own struggles despite everything he must have had gone through during that time?

Everything at once?

It didn’t matter. All he knew was that he wanted to be there this one time, too.

“I already told you that you would thank me most by being happy. Don’t waste your chance.”  
“I’ll try.”  
“That’s all I want. And now go back to sleep while I get us something to eat. It’s too early for conversations like that anyway.”

The grin tucking on the sides of his mouth still wasn’t genuine, a little too shaken, but Harry smiled back nonetheless, already sinking back in his pillows to do what he had been told.

“I know I already said it, but: Thank you:”  
“It’s alright.”

Zayn waited until he saw Harry’s chest rising in long, drawn-out breaths telling him that he had fallen asleep again before he went out on the tiny balcony in front of their room-window. It was more a cage of metal bars reaching to his hips, just big enough to be able to stand on it, but it was enough for them. The sun was slowly rising higher on the morning sky above a blanket of white that had fallen in the previous night, indicating a nice winter day.

He pulled out one of the few cigarettes he had gotten from the last client of that night and lit it, glad for the warmth and the distraction it brought after his conversation with Harry. He hadn’t thought that it would still hurt that much after three years, the images as vivid as they had been on that day, even the smells and noises coming back with new force.

Zayn lit the cigarette with shaking hands, taking a long drag to calm himself.

He was just about to take another one when he heard a knock on the door back in their room, which caused him to curse slightly. He couldn’t let this person wake Harry, especially if it was this monster coming for him. He put the cigarette out in one quick movement, then he rushed into the room, checking on Harry first, who was thankfully still asleep, before he went to answer the door. When he opened it the man waiting was already turning around to leave, his blue eyes scanning over Zayn in surprise.

“Who are you?”  
“What are you doing here would be the better question I think.”  
The man looked down on his hands, suddenly looking more exhausted than anything else. There was something like hope in his gaze when he looked up again.

“Do you know Harry?”  
That was when something clicked. The light brown hair, the blue eyes, the way he said Harry’s name. 

“It’s you.”  
“What?”  
He turned to look at Zayn again after he had already started to make his way back, sure that he wouldn’t get any further response.

“You’re Louis, right? The one he went to yesterday.”  
The man’s mouth opened, eyes widened at the same time, but he didn’t speak. Zayn just smiled, walking over to put an arm around his shoulders.

“Don’t ask how I know it, just follow me. Harry is in there although I wouldn’t wake him up now. He needs the sleep.”

Louis shot Zayn a side-gaze, his hands still awkwardly placed in his jeans pockets while he let himself be led to the door of the flat.

“I guess I don’t need to introduce myself anymore then, but who are you?”  
Zayn laughed, the vibration against his body making Louis flinch.  
“Don’t worry, I’m no threat. I’m not his boyfriend, I just share the flat with him and he’s become something like my little brother in those past two years so I guess I’m more the one to give the typical “break his heart and I’ll kill you” speech. Which I really will by the way.”  
“Can I see him?”

Louis was already freeing himself from under Zayn’s arm as soon as they had reached the door, desperate to get a glimpse of Harry, just to see that he was there and alright. It had been far too long without knowing what had caused him to leave so quickly the morning before.

He had planned to come here much earlier, but his father and endless calls from Liam and Zayn as well as his own thoughts about how he didn’t have any right to follow Harry had held him back so far until the worries became too much.

He pushed past Zayn, not even bothering to wait for an answer and his heart skipped a beat in relief the moment he saw the peaceful sleeping figure on the mattress.

Louis barely registered the hand on his shoulder or the quiet voice behind him when he sat down next to Harry, just looking at him for a few moments, taking in that he was real, breathing and okay.

“Please let him sleep a little longer. He’s had a rough night.”

“I won’t do anything to hurt him, don’t worry about that.”, Louis whispered, careful not to wake the boy beside him, “I would rather die.”  
Zayn smiled at those words even though he wouldn’t have needed them. He saw it in the way Louis’ eyes got so much softer when he looked at Harry, the way his hand barely touched him as it drew a line on his shoulder down to his wrist almost hesitantly, too afraid to cause him any kind of discomfort to do it any more forcefully.

“I’ll just leave you alone then, alright? If someone comes here or if you need any help, come to get me. I’m downstairs.”  
“Thank you.”

Louis smiled at him for the first time, the concerned expression completely gone from his face. He didn’t notice that Harry’s eyes slowly opened beside him until Zayn had closed the door and he turned to look at him again. Harry’s gaze was still unfocused, lazily taking in every inch of Louis face before his eyebrows drew together in a frown.

“Louis?”  
“Yes.”

He couldn’t say anything else, his words suddenly chocked just by hearing Harry’s warm voice say his name in disbelief.

“Don’t move. Just sleep a little longer if you want to. I’ll stay here.”

“I don’t want to sleep.”

Harry sat up to emphasize his point even though a large part of his body still hurt everywhere George had bruised it. He was still tired, but the need to take this moment while he had it, to enjoy Louis’ presence in the best way he could, to make up for what he might have ruined by running away again was much stronger than everything else he might feel especially after what Zayn had told him.

“Why not? I told you I will wait. It’s alright.”

“Because I don’t want to miss you being here.”  
Louis smiled, his arm reaching out to put an arm around Harry to pull him closer.

There was no need to explain something, it all melted away in their touch, every fear, every concern, every reason they might have had not to do this. Louis’ thumb rubbed soft circles into Harry’s shoulder while he buried his nose into his hair taking in the scent of it and how soft it felt against his lips. They stayed like that for a few moments, not daring to move, too afraid that it would destroy this feeling that nothing could reach them now if they just held onto each other. It was Harry, who finally made a so away to look at Louis, green eyes meeting blue just like they had on their first night together.

Louis’ hand reached up to caress Harry’s cheek in a gesture that said all he wanted to say with words that still didn’t seem enough. When Harry’s eyes fluttered shut at the touch he leaned forward to place a kiss on his forehead, a featherlight touch.

“Louis?” 

“Yes?”, he murmured against Harry’s skin, his lips only far away enough to be able to speak.

“Make love to me.”

Louis pulled back, his eyes studying Harry’s face for a sign that he really meant what he said, to show him that he hadn’t heard him wrong.

“Now? Do you really…”  
Harry never let him finish, warm, kiss-bruised mouth covering his to silence him and this was all the reassurance Louis had needed. His lips moved down to the corner of Harry’s mouth, just a ghosting touch before he continued further. He kissed every single mark, starting at Harry’s swollen cheekbone, every move of his hands a silent “I love you” much more convincing than it would have been spoken out, every touch of his lips a murmured “I need you”. When he reached Harry’s tummy he stopped, breath caught in his throat for a moment at the sight of the aggressive marks of hard punches along with scraps of blunt fingernails the man had left there, dark red against his white skin.

“Was this the man you belong to?”

Louis’ voice sounded so broken that Harry’s eyes almost welled up with tears again. Even though they hadn’t told each other anything officially so far he could sense the love radiating from him every single time they touched, a love he didn’t feel worthy of at all.

He nodded finally managed to nod lightly, his eyes not leaving Louis’ face even for one moment as he leaned down until his lips ghosted over the beaten skin, only his breath tickling over the wound, while his fingers rested on Harry’s hips just as gentle as if he was a precious doll made of porcelain that would break at the first false movement.

“Louis please just kiss me. I will be alright. Just kiss me.”

Harry didn’t know why this seemed so important. Maybe he somehow wanted to return the favor by sharing his emotions as well, maybe he just wanted to feel that this was really happening, but he didn’t care. Louis slowly moved up to his level again and rested his forehead against Harry’s, deep blue rooming over his face with the same softness his body had.

“You’re beautiful. So, so beautiful.”, he whispered before he pressed a kiss to Harry’s lips, slightly parted in anticipation, “you’re perfect in every single way.”  
Another kiss, a little longer this time.  
“I want you. I will always want you.”

Harry closed the distance between them much more desperate now and when he met Louis’ lips this time he felt them lighting up something new all over his body, a heat that was all-consuming, but not hurting, a fire matching the burn under his skin different than everything else he had ever experienced. Different than the claiming hands ripping of his clothes in a rush of want, different than the lips closing his while his body screamed for them to stop, different than the teeth biting into a skin that didn’t belong to him anymore without caring about how he felt. This wasn’t the destructive fire he was used to.

 

This was the fire of love.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Harry makes another unpleasant discovery...

It became some sort of unspoken agreement between them after that.

They weren’t ready to let go of what they had, craving contact in a way that scared them both, but in the back of their minds they both knew that this wasn’t meant to last. They weren’t allowed to be together, they weren’t allowed to enjoy this, they were in constant danger of being found out by a member of Louis’ family or the man who had claimed Harry before Louis could, they were breaking every single rule they had, but all of this made the moments they had even more precious, even more real.

As soon as Harry was free for the night he either came over to Louis’ house or Louis sneaked into Harry’s flat if Zayn was out for a long enough period of time for them to be sure to have some privacy. It wasn’t exactly romantic most of the times when Louis pushed Harry against the door to kiss him or Harry’s fingers began to undo Louis’ shirtbuttons as soon as he had come in, muffled sounds filling the room, afraid to be ripped apart if they made too much noise, but it was enough for the moment. Only sometimes when Harry was too tired to do anything, both of them sat on Louis’ bed in the darkness with Harry’s curls tickling his chin and his warm hand softly placed on Louis’ stomach under his T-Shirt or when Louis turned their make-out session on Harry’s mattress into a tickle fight that made Harry’s eyes light up with laughter, Louis couldn’t help but want more than that.

More than just the few hours they got to spend together. More than just breathless kisses he knew he needed to share with so many others. More than quick meals standing in the kitchen before they both had to go separated ways again. He knew it was unfair to ask anything else than what Harry was able to give him now and that it already was a huge step for him to do what he did despite the fear of being caught, but he couldn’t chase the feeling away.

Maybe he was selfish. Maybe he was too focused on his own feelings to understand. Maybe he really should be more grateful for what he had in this moment.

It wasn’t bad, much the contrary. On those precious occasions when Harry fell asleep on his chest, too exhausted from the night to stay awake no matter how hard he tried to, his soft smell filling up everything around him, or when they were kissing so much that they burned their dinner and both laughed at their own stupidity he felt like there was nothing in the world that could be simpler than being like this, together, united in a way he couldn’t explain with words.

But the moment was never entirely theirs. Louis’ saw the reminder every time Harry was too weak to even smile and in every mark on Harry’s body that hadn’t been left by him. He didn’t own him, he never would. In the end he always went away, quickly putting on his clothes shattered across the floor, one last kiss, already half on the way out, then he was out of the door to be where he was supposed to be.  
Sometimes Louis wondered if it was just as hard for him, if he was left with the same empty feeling, if he missed the touch of his lips, the sound of his voice, the smell of his skin and the soft sound of his laugh just as much as he missed his. He never asked.

The instant they were together again the time suddenly seemed too precious to waste with those kind of deep conversations when they could kiss, laugh, get drunken from each other, touch after not being able to do so for what felt like far too long.

In those moments he could convince himself that it was worth it even if he would end up alone at the end of the night. It might not have been perfect, but maybe it would be at some point.

Instead of attempting to change what he couldn’t change he tried to do his best to show Harry how much it meant to him that he had agreed to this, that he still wanted to see him despite everything by taking him to every single place he loved in London whenever they had a little more time together. The sweet shop where he had used to buy something every time he returned from school as a boy, the little park he had spent hours in doing his homework or just listening to music and where kids were running around with their sleighs, the cinema he had gotten his first kiss in, of course not missing the opportunity to get one from Harry as well while they were watching some kind of cheesy romantic comedy and when it finally opened a few weeks later the little Christmas market he had always gone to with his siblings. Harry had been delighted at the idea and they had spent hours just walking around, looking at different booths or trying out food.

The weather was still freezing cold, but Louis didn’t complain as it gave him more opportunities to touch Harry under the excuse of warming him up. On one of their last stops they even found a booth with different sorts of hot drinks and Louis insisted on buying two cups for them when he caught him eying the hot chocolate with clear interest.

“This is amazing. Someone should have told me they sell hot chocolate on the streets here!”  
Harry smiled, the dimples on full display now on his cold-flushed cheeks and Louis thought he had never looked more beautiful than in this moment with his eyes sparkling in the semi-darkness of the already setting sun, the warm cup of hot chocolate between his freezing hands. He was gorgeous, gorgeous and absolutely perfect. Everything about him was perfect.

He didn’t know why he hadn’t been able to see it as clearly earlier, but on that day on this unknown little market on the outskirts of London, Harry’s eyes fixed on him with that look of absolute happiness the realization hit him with such a force that it took his breath away for a few moments. He loved him. He loved this boy with the big hands, the ridiculously beautiful face, the dimpled smile and the emerald green eyes, the boy who kissed him one last time when he left for his own life even if he was already asleep, the boy who made sure to thank him with a kiss or a tired smile even when he didn’t do much more than heat up pasta for him late at night, the boy who was able to see the beauty in simple things like a cup of hot chocolate or a Louis had never thought of as special, the boy who sometimes talked in his sleep, the boy who somehow managed to be incredibly beautiful not only from the outside but on the inside as well despite the fact that he mostly received bad things from other people instead of being treated like he deserved.

He loved the way he was a little clumsy sometimes, but still somehow made it look sexy, he loved the way he nuzzled into his touch like a kitten when he caressed his cheek and the way he held onto him in his sleep as if he didn’t want to let him go yet.

He loved him so much that he felt like he would bust at the seams, the amount of emotions too much for his body to contain.

“What are you thinking?”

Harry watched him carefully, the smile still on his lips, a few curls falling onto his forehead where they had escaped the blue beanie and suddenly the need to tell him all that was overwhelming.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew it could ruin everything, that he wasn’t supposed to feel like this. They weren’t together officially and it wasn’t right for him to wish that they were. He would endanger Harry even more if he put him in a position like that. He couldn’t risk him getting hurt again if this monster who had claimed him found out about them. The rational side of his mind realized all of this, but the words were on the tip of his tongue, waiting to be spoken, to show Harry how much he really cared, desperate to make him see how precious, how beautiful, how perfect he was with every sentence.

“I…”

Louis looked down at his hands, struggling, fighting to get them out, to say them.

_I love you._

_Say it. Tell him. Tell him now._

_I love you._

When he looked up again he thought he could see something like fear pass through Harry’s eye so quickly that it could also have been an effect of the lighting around them, then he smiled, a little loop-sided and the moment was lost. Louis knew he couldn’t say anything now, not if those green eyes were looking at him with this completely happy, relaxed expression. He couldn’t ruin that with his stupid confessions.

“You have chocolate on your mouth.”, was what he told him instead, a little smirk playing around his lips, “mind if I help you clean it up?”  
Harry laughed, a ringing, gorgeous sound above the gentle background noise of Christmas song playing in the booths of the marked around them.

“We’re in public Lou!”

“I don’t care.”  
With that Louis leaned forward and brushed his lips against his chin to collect the chocolate smeared there before he moved them upwards onto Harry’s cold ones for a proper kiss.

He could feel Harry smiling into it, his coated hands coming to a rest on Louis’ cheeks to warm them up as they continued to kiss and it was the first time he thought he began to understand what it was like to see everything around Christmas with children’s eyes again.

Presents had never been rare in his house as his parents had always made sure to show of what they could afford on this kind of occasions, but in the midst of the rush of high society events, dinners and family meetings he had always missed something.

He hadn’t been sure what exactly this feeling was he yearned for, he only knew he would recognize it if the right moment came until now. When they pulled away, their icy noses touching, puffy white clouds of air escaping between their giggles, both of them giddy with the happiness of the moment he knew that this was it. This sense of living in the moment, enjoying every second of it, the knowledge of being loved by someone without really having earned it, being able to appreciate the simple things like Harry’s big hands on the small of his back, the broad smile they shared without even noticing how the others around them reacted, the slight taste of cookies when they kissed, seeing how happy he had made Harry simply by bringing him here to show him the market.

Even if he hadn’t been able to tell him how he felt he still wanted to make it up to him, to thank him for being there and maybe showing him a little of what he had wanted to say through his actions so when he saw the necklace hidden behind a corny figures of the Holy Family painted in bright colors he immediately knew that this was it. This was his chance.

“Why don’t you choose something from the sweets over there? I’ll be over in a few seconds, alright?”  
Harry raised an eyebrow, but nodded.

“I trust you to haven a good excuse to abandon me like that on the middle of our evening”, he added with a grin, before he made his way to the food booth Louis had pointed to.

Louis couldn’t help the smile spreading on his own face as he turned around towards the booth he had been eying the whole time. The woman looked at him suspiciously, which he couldn’t really blame her for if he was honest. He would have had the same look if someone had walked up to his booth with a cheek-to-cheek grin on his face.

“How can I help you?”

“Do you sell that paperplane necklace behind the figures over there?”  
The woman followed Louis’ eyes to the spot where it lay hidden between the other this, then she turned to look at him again.

“Yes, but only if you take the other one as well.”

She pointed at the necklace next to the one Louis had seen and his smile grew even wider.  
“Matching ones?”

The woman looked at him as if he had asked her to dance around naked or was some kind of strange maniac while she slowly nodded.

“Yes. Do you want them or not?”  
“How much?”

“Twelve Pounds.”  
Louis still smiled as he handed over the money without asking anything else. Harry would only grow suspicious if he didn’t hurry up and there was nothing to talk about anyway. The woman shook her head lightly when he turned around with a last quick “thank you!”, necklace hidden in his pocket now before he walked over to the sweet booth.

Harry was already looking around, green eyes scanning the crowd for him.

When their eyes met his face lit up with another dimpled smile that caused Louis’ heart to do backflips for a moment. As soon as Louis had reached him Harry put his arms around his burying his nose in the spot where Louis’ neck met his shoulders.

“I thought you’d left me.”, he mumbled into the fabric of Louis’ jacket, causing goose bumps to rise where his breath hit the few inches of exposed skin even in the cold.

It wasn’t just the touch, it was the knowledge that Harry had waited for him, missed him, the way he hugged him now in the middle of the market without caring if anybody saw them that made Louis stomach squirm with a sensation so strong that it seemed to burn him from the inside and that filled him up to the last fiber of his being.

He was sure that if Harry only listened hard enough he would heart the beat of his heart.

“I’d never leave you, you know that.”

Harry was silent for a few moments and Louis feared he had ruined it, that he had shown too much of what he really felt and scared Harry away with it. He was just about to say something light, try to play down what he had said when suddenly a flash of light blinded them both.

Louis instinctively put a hand on the back of Harry’s head still pressed into his neck to keep him there. He’d had enough experience with camera flashes to know that the person taking the picture couldn’t be very far away so they would be able to get a good picture of Harry’s face if he didn’t stay in this position where he could partly hide him with his body.

It didn’t take Louis long to locate the man standing a few meters away from them near the booth he had bought the necklace in, camera still set on them.

Somehow Louis’ gaze seemed to encourage him so he moved even closer, causing Louis to pull Harry even closer in his overwhelming need to protect him, his hands rubbing soft calming circles into his back.

As soon as the man was close enough that he was sure to be he couldn’t hold back his emotions anymore, voice cold and hard with anger.

“Don’t you have better objects to take photographs of? Can’t you even leave me alone for one single afternoon? What do you want? Do you want me to tell you who he is? I’m not going to tell you, and you’re not going to see his face. He’s far too precious for you to even look at so I can assure you that there’s nothing to wait for now. You have your picture and I won’t let you see anything else even if I have to hold him like this until you are gone.”  
He felt Harry’s hands tightening on his waist and he couldn’t decide if it was fear or thankfulness. The man lowered his camera slowly, meeting Louis’ gaze matching his cold voice, then he turned around and disappeared into the crowd.  
When he was sure that he wasn’t coming back Louis slid his hand down from the back of Harry’s head to his shoulders, putting it around his waist with the other one instead. He looked up to him, too startled to speak for a few more moments.

“I’m sorry.”, Louis whispered with a soft kiss to his forehead, “so incredibly sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s alright. I was getting cold anyway.”, Harry said with a new-found smirk on his lips, “and I think your house offers some nice distractions as well.”

Louis laughed, keeping his hands on Harry’s waist as they began to walk again.

“For someone who practically got mobbed by paparazzi you’re extremely calm.”

“Trust me I’ve seen much worse than that.”

His voice still had the same joking tone, but this time there was a bitter edge to it Louis wanted to take away so badly it almost hurt him physically.  
“Let’s go home then.”

It was the only thing he knew to say to that, the only thing that seemed right. He couldn’t do anything here, not outside where everyone seemed to have their eyes on them so he waited for the perfect opportunity to surprise Harry with it in his house. The moment the door was closed behind them Harry’s lips were on his, quick, soft but eager kisses everywhere he could reach: His lips, his chin, his cheeks, the tip of his nose.

“Thank you. Thank you so much.”  
“For what?”, Louis whispered, not trusting his voice enough to speak louder, “I didn’t do anything.”

“For standing up for me.”  
“That wasn’t much, I get photographed a lot so I know how to deal with those kind of situations. It isn’t a big deal really.”  
“It is for me and I think you earned yourself something for it.”  
Louis raised an eyebrow, a smirk slowly spreading over his lips.

“So that was what you meant when you said “nice distractions”?”  
Instead of an answer Harry attacked his lips again, slowly walking Louis backwards until they were drunkenly stumbling up the steps to Louis’ room and they didn’t talk a lot after that. It was much later when Harry was collecting his clothes to leave for the night when Louis finally found it was time for it, maybe partly because he didn’t want to let Harry go just yet, to let him leave into a reality he would never be a part of.

He waited until he had put on his ridiculously tight black jeans before he reached up and placed both of his hands on the waistband to pull him back to the bed with him.

Harry landed half on top of him, laughing at Louis’ eagerness.

“You really don’t want to let me go yet, do you?”

“No, definitely not.”, Louis confirmed, an arm around Harry now keeping him in his position against his side. They didn’t speak for a few minutes, just breathing in each other’s smell, memorizing the feeling their skin felt melted together, not needing to speak out loud what they knew the other one felt as well.

It was Louis, who finally broke the silence.

“Harry?”

He gave a soft, content hum from where his head was resting against Louis’ chest, suddenly too tired to answer properly.

“I’d like to give you something before you go.”  
This was enough to make Harry sit up lazily, the dimpled smile spreading over his face again.

“You got me a present?”  
Louis hoped he didn’t blush at that and just nodded, getting up from the bed to look for his abandoned jacket on the floor he had put the two necklaces in before he hid them behind his back with a soft “close your eyes.” to Harry.

He obliged, crossing his legs and closing his eyes. Louis allowed himself to watch him for a moment, a smile tucking on his lips at the sight. He looked so sweet, so innocent like a child waiting for this expensive bike it had been talking to his parents about for the last year, barely able to contain the smile that showed his excitement because it knew it would get it and it was so incredibly endearing somehow that Louis’ stomach flopped strangely. It shouldn’t be so easy to look so adorable, it shouldn’t be so easy to win him over and it most definitely shouldn’t be so easy make him feel the strong emotions he felt now, but with Harry it always was. He made everything easy just by being him, being a real human being he could touch, kiss, taste, talk to. He had taught him to live in the moment, to take everything given to him without questioning because it might be too late if he did.

He had taught him to be brave by showing him how sweet, how caring, how absolutely beautiful he was on the inside as well despite all the things he had been put through.

Louis definitely earned him more than a necklace, but he felt like this would be a start at least.

He gently reached out to put it around Harry’s neck, closing the breech carefully and repeating the same for himself with the other necklace.

“You can open them now.”

Harry did as he was told, green eyes opening again slowly while his hand immediately wandered down to the pendant of the necklace to be able to look at it. His smile grew even wider, almost threatening to wander past his cheeks if he smiled any harder and let his finger wander over the delicate silver paperplane. When he looked at Louis again his eyes were sparkling with such an amount of thankfulness that the feeling he had before, this urge to tell him how much he really meant to him returned with unexpected force.

Harry crawled forward on the bed until his hands rested on both sides of his thighs and simply kissed him, slow and filled with pure, giddy happiness.

“Thank you again.”, he mumbled against Louis’ lips when they pulled away for air, his eyes open to be able to look at him, “thank you so much It’s beautiful really beautiful.”

Louis pulled his hand up from between them to cup Harry’s cheek.

“Just like you. It’s not much, but I’m glad you like it. It definitely suits you. And we’ll have matching ones as she only sold them in two.”  
Harry’s eyes briefly wandered down to Louis’ neck where his own necklace was hanging down to his chest.

“That makes me love it even more. Thank you.”  
“You should stop to thank me. I’ll be happy with a kiss.”

Harry grinned, then he leaned forward for another kiss before he stood up from the bed, stretching his arms.

“I really hate this, but I have to go. Zayn will kill me if I don’t get going in a few minutes.”  
“Alright leave then before I pin you to the bed and never let you leave it.”  
“I bet you’d do that.”, Harry winked.

“Don’t tempt me!”

“Alright, I’ll text you.”

One last kiss, then Harry was gone again, left for the thing he hated to do most.

Somehow he still felt it was easier like that, easier to pretend he liked what they did to him if he had gotten to spent time with Louis before. It was still a little scary to enjoy this so much, to actually want to kiss someone, touch someone, be intimate with someone in a way that really meant something beyond physical needs. He knew he shouldn’t do this, that he shouldn’t become addicted to something he would never ever be allowed to have, but it felt far too right, too beautiful to lose it now. In those hours he felt like a real human being again and it was like cool night air after a long, hot summer’s day, like breathing after being under water. His hand closed around the necklace, a silent reminder that this was real.

No, he wouldn’t let it go. Not yet .Not if he didn’t have to.

The smile was still tugging on his lips when he went down the stairs, almost hopping on his way when he suddenly heard footsteps above him. Harry stopped dead in his tracks, listening for a few more moments before he tilted his head upwards to maybe get a look on who was walking around so he wouldn’t run into him on his way out. And that was when he saw him. George.

The one who had claimed him.

The one who had made his life a constant nightmare for the past few months.

The one who lived in the one pace Harry had ever felt safe.

He suddenly felt paralyzed, not able to move or think clearly, his heart racing at an unhealthy rate. This couldn’t be happening. Not now. Not when everything had been going so well.

“Louis! I swear to you if you don’t come over in ten minutes Dad will kill you and I…”  
 _Dad._

Harry grabbed onto the balustrade of the staircase for support, closing his eyes against the nausea rising up in him. It was too much, too much to cope with let alone understand.

_George was Louis brother._


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which George has an unpleasant kind of déjà-vu...(someone needs to teach me how to use italics this looks so strange without them. And sorry for the grammar mistakes and that it's so short, the next one will be longer!)

_Louis Tomlinson on another secret date?_

_Our favorite London bachelor really seems to be looking for his better half with increased effort. After we spotted him out on dates with a gorgeous boy on his birthday and one of London’s aspiring female singers (check out the photos of them leaving the dinner event below) he was seen out again yesterday, this time in company of a mysterious young man. The pair decided to spend the afternoon on one of the smaller Christmas markets on the outskirts of town near the Tomlinson’s family house, looking rather caught up in each other. As much as we want to tell you, we can’t confirm for sure if our new boy is the same one he was getting cozy with on his birthday as Louis decided to show his romantic side and kept him firmly pressed against his body to hide his face (even though the tight trousers look suspiciously like the ones he wore the last time don’t they?), but if he was we can only congratulate him on the hot catch we’d most definitely not push off our beds as well from what we’ve seen on the other photos taken on his birthday. In any case we’ll have to see if this lovestory finally has the happy end we’re all waiting for or if this young man is just another flirt to keep entertained during the winter. We’ll keep you updated!_

 

George’s fingers cramped around the magazine so hard that they even ripped into the thin pages, crumbling it wherever they went. This was so typical. So absolutely typical.

Of course his brother had to choose the one person he was genuinely interested in, maybe even in love with after a long time of not finding anything compared to this feeling, for his romantic escapades.

It had always been like that ever since he remembered living in this family. Louis had always been the lucky one, the gorgeous one, the loved one, the one everything had come easy to him. Even his school marks had been perfect and it hadn’t taken long for everyone outside their family to recognize the new rising star. They were drawn to him like mots to a bright light, fighting for a little bit of attention whenever he was in the same room.  
Louis had quickly learned how to use his effect on other people, especially when it came to charming someone he wanted to have so it wasn’t surprising that he’d had almost all girls on their school swooning in a matter of days. George had been the calmer one, staying in the shadow of his older brother in hopes of learning something, catching a bit of the light radiating from him and on one of those events he had first seen Leila. He still remembered the dress she had worn, deep red, reaching down to her feet with her blonde hair falling over her shoulder, moving slightly whenever she leaned over to talk to someone. To George she had looked like an angel or at least what he had always thought an angel should look like.

She had been the first person he had really wanted, the first person he had been ready to give everything up for. It had taken a long time for him to work up the courage to talk to her, because she had seemed so unreachable, so perfect. He had even asked his older brother for advice, which had probably been his biggest mistake.

Two weeks later Leila was Louis’ girlfriend. After that it was like some strange kind of spell had been spoken on him. Every person he had brought home had seemed more interested in his brother than in him, something that became increasingly frustrating the older they got.

On top of that Louis constantly brought Leila home in what seemed like an effort to remind him of how happy he was with the girl who had chosen him instead of George, kissing her or pulling her on his lap even when their parents watched. They didn’t say anything of course, because they loved them together just as much as everyone else, completely oblivious to how George was adverting his eyes whenever they shared one of those intimate gestures.

At least he was used to it. It wasn’t like anyone had ever cared about his feelings.

When Louis had been forced to break up with Leila he had kept his happiness about it for private grins in his room, dressing up for his own dates. He had been determined to be the one with the perfect girlfriend now, the one who was kissing his girl in front of his brother and making him uncomfortable with it.

The first few dates had been terrible, only completely boring girls with too much make up and too little personality behind their gorgeous faces. George had never been particularly picky, but it would have been nice to at least be able to hold a conversation for longer than a few minutes with the one you were planning to date. He had almost given up on the whole matter, comforted by the fact that Louis hadn’t gotten serious with anyone since Leila either when he had first seen Harry standing on this almost deserted, dimly lit street.

In hindsight it had been more an accident than anything else. A few of his friends had convinced him to go on a clubbing tour with them and by the end of the night the one who was supposed to drive them home was so drunk that he had taken the wrong direction at least four times, one of them leading their car into the street where Harry stood.

He had looked more than beautiful in his white shirt showing of his collarbones, the dark brown curls, the kiss-swollen pink lips, the almost obscenely tight jeans, the delicate porcelain skin. For George he had been temptation personified in that moment, a challenge and a promise at the same time and he had wanted nothing more than to reach out, to touch, to see if he felt as perfect as he looked, if his skin was just as smooth and his hair just as soft.

The reaction had been so strong that it had scared him at first even though it was exactly what he had been waiting for to happen for so long and it had taken a few days until he had figured out what to do with it. He had quickly found out where Harry lived, occasionally watching as he returned home or passing on the street where he stood every night with some other boys.

Two weeks and two shots at a nearby bar later George had finally worked up the courage to risk it, to get what he wanted for the first time in his life.

He had realized somewhere in the back of his mind that he was probably being a bit overdramatic as this was Harry’s job he would do if he only paid him money, but he still hadn’t been able to help the nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach as he approached him. He had even stopped a few times on his way, unnoticed by Harry and taken it all in just as he had from the car window: The beautiful form of his unusually dark lips, the long fingers, the big, dark green eyes. In that moment he had known that he had never wanted something so badly in his life and this knowledge had given him the last push to walk over.

Harry had looked up at him from under those unfairly long, dark eyelashes, his gaze so open, so innocent that it had almost made him stop in his tracks.

Then he had said something George had never wanted to hear again, his voice dark and husky, the cruel words dripping from his lips like honey.

“I’m sorry, I’ll be going for the night, but Mike over there is still free.”  
Another smile, a quick wink and his opportunity was over.  
He had been rejected again, this time by someone whose job it was to take anyone willing to have him. George had tried to calm down, to tell himself that he was being ridiculous about this, but it had still hurt, even more so when he had seen the pictures which had surfaced just after his brother’s birthday. It hadn’t taken him long to recognize the boy with the slim legs and the long torso on them as Harry and it had felt like a blow to his stomach.

Of course Harry hadn’t rejected his prefect brother.

Surprisingly it hadn’t brought him down as much as he had thought it would though, if anything it had made his urge to make Harry his even stronger. That was how he had ended up in the building he was living in, talking to his disgusting boss and two days later Harry had been his to do whatever he wanted to whenever he wanted to. His guilty pleasure.

His special toy.

Or at least he had thought he was until now. Until this stupid article.

George pushed the magazine away with his foot from where it had fallen down from his cramped hands, focusing on putting on his jacket lying ready on the bed instead. He had to know at least, to know if his brother had really won again. He had to see it for himself.

The way there was strangely familiar even though it still took far too long for his liking until the building came into sight, cold and dark apart from a few lights in the windows of the upper floors. He knew that Harry wouldn’t be out with the rest of the boys today so he would have him all to himself, a thought that still made him smirk despite everything as he walked the last few steps towards the room he knew almost as well as his own by now.

Harry was sitting on the bed when he came in, a book in his lap, his teeth capturing his bottom lip in concentration before his eyes flew up to meet George’s at the sound of the closing door.

“You should learn to lock it. Someone might break in.”

There was a brief flicker of fear in Harry’s gaze and he felt a weird kind of satisfaction at the sight. This was how it was supposed to be. He was supposed to be in control. Harry was his. George’s lips formed into a smirk while his gaze wandered down the slim body he had learned in every detail during the last weeks with Harry pinned under him on the mattress or pressed against a wall and that was when he noticed the necklace, a leather band with a delicate, silver paper plane on it.

The same one he had mocked his brother about the day before, because it had looked so utterly stupid to him. Now he understood the smug look Louis had had and the way he hadn’t been able to stop his lips from playing around a smile. He had really done it again. He had stolen the one thing George wanted.

He had beaten him.

“So you’re really with him. You’re betraying me with my brother.”

George didn’t give Harry time to respond, just walked over to him quickly, leaning in until his mouth was over his ear, his breath ghosting over it as he spoke.

“You’re a far bigger whore than I ever thought possible. You can’t get enough can you? Not even after all these days I have been trying to please you.”

His lips moved across Harry’s cheekbone in time with his hands on his chest, fingers closing around the necklace with a firm grip.

“You even let him pay you, didn’t you? Are you really that cheap? Just a necklace from a Christmas market? I expected more of you.”

His hand yanked down the moment he claimed Harry’s lips in a bruising kiss, sending the necklace to the floor with a clinging sound. He felt Harry flinch, his whole body tensing up, an arm helplessly reaching out to where the necklace must have landed.

George stopped him, pinning his hands to the bed on either side of him instead.

“Keep those there. You’re not supposed to be doing anything. You’ve been a bad boy and now you’re being punished.”

He leaned down again, his teeth forcefully biting into the sensitive skin of Harry’s neck, high enough to leave a visible mark, a clear note of “you’re mine”.

“The marks were his, too, weren’t they?”, he breathed against the red skin, slowly coming up to meet Harry’s eyes again to be sure his next words made him react like he wanted to

“You’re going to end whatever you have started with him. You’re going to tell him who you belong to, who the only one allowed to touch his body and mark it is.

You’re going to ask him to never see you again. Am I clear?”

The instant he saw this look on Harry’s eyes he didn’t have any doubts left.

His brother hadn’t only stolen his body from him, he had somehow managed to steal his heart as well, he could see it in the way those green eyes became deep, desperate, full of a silent scream for him to stop, to have mercy, to let him go and another strong, overwhelming emotion he knew only too well. Harry loved his brother with everything he had.

But he wouldn’t be allowed to. Louis may have taken his heart, but his body belonged to him. It always would. Harry noticed the way he looked at him, a new, hungry determination in his gaze like he wanted to rip out those feelings, to burn them and claim them, too, but it didn’t stop them from reacting.

The strange pain caught Harry completely off guard, so strong that he had to close his eyes. He had known that it would end this way, that what he had lived through with Louis had been too good, too perfect to last, but it hurt nonetheless, a stinging, hot ache that seemed to stretch over his whole body, consuming and claiming it. Everything inside him screamed for him to shake his head, to stand up for what he wanted, to tell this man above him that his brother was the most precious thing he had and that he would never own him, but he knew he couldn’t.

This wasn’t fair to Louis. He couldn’t put him in the position to choose between him and his family. Maybe this was the best way for them to get out of something they would only get hurt in anyway. Harry had to let him go. He wasn’t meant to be happy, but Louis was and he had no right to keep him when he could find someone much more worthy to be with him, someone he didn’t have to share with others every day or wait for late at night.

George could practically feel him breaking underneath him, his hands going slack in his grip as he finally nodded, only a barely visible, small movement.

In that moment he knew he had won.

He had made him lose all his resistance. Harry was his.

“Good.”

George accentuated his words with one precise move of his hips, grinding down on him hard. Harry made a chocked sound in the back of his throat that sounded almost like a sob, clearly trying to remain silent.

“Don’t do that. Let me hear you or I’ll punish you harder. Don’t hold back.”  
He ground down again and this time Harry closed his eyes, almost thankful for the roughness. He only hoped that George couldn’t see the stubborn tears running down his cheeks.

Later, in the silence of the room, he found the paper plane pendant of his necklace lying on the floor near the bed. He knew it didn’t mean anything anymore now, but he couldn’t bring himself to give it away yet so he put it into the drawer of his cupboard along with the note Louis had left on their first morning together. It was scary how quickly things had changed, how fast they had gone from giddy happiness to this unbearable pain he felt now and for the first time he thought that maybe Zayn had been wrong.

Maybe he wasn’t meant to fly.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where everything feels like the movies...and not a good kind. This caused me a lot of pain, but I hope you enjoy it anyway and Comments are always appreciated of course :)

_“What do you want? I’ll leave if you just tell me.” ___  
 _“Why are you talking to me like this? Don’t we mean anything to you anymore?” ___  
 _“I don’t even know if there ever was a “we” in the first place. You have changed so much. You are not the one I fell in love with.” ___  
 _“Changed? You mean like you changed when you kissed that girl in the club?” ___  
 _“You are seriously bringing this up again? I thought we had talked that through more than any of us ever wanted. Are you still looking for that prince on the white horse again then?” ___  
 _“Do you want an honest answer? Yes I do. And you better look for a princess, because I’m not going to be that for you anymore.”_

_“So you are leaving? Just like that?” ___  
 _“Yes I’m leaving. Just like that. And I’m not coming back.”_

__

Harry closed his eyes, his head still laying on Louis’ chest with his arms loosely wrapped around his waist, suddenly too tired to pay attention to the movie, to those words that seemed almost like a brutal reminder of what had happened yesterday in his flat. After George had left he had wandered around in the streets, not able to sleep or even sit still until Louis had called to ask him to come over for the next day. It had taken all his effort not to cry, not to let the strong pain show as his voice ripped open every wound inside him in a much more painful way than the fingers that had scratched and broken his skin physically.

__

He knew it would have made it easier for both of them if he had just said no, but he hadn’t been able to do it, not when his desire for this unconditional, caring love Louis gave him with every single touch, every kiss and every meet of their gazes whenever they were together was stronger than anything else in that moment even if it was selfish, completely selfish to ask for a love he was about to break, to enjoy emotions that were bound to be disappointed soon. Although he was quite sure that Louis had been able to tell that he wasn’t himself, his voice a little too rough, to worked out, too feeble to be genuine, he hadn’t asked any questions.

Zayn on the other hand had, many, far too many as soon as he had entered their shared flat. He had known Harry for far too long to be satisfied with a simple answer.

It had been a long night of talking next to each other on the small mattress, but even after that he hadn’t been able to keep his hands from shaking just before Louis had opened the door or to keep the constant, cold tone of George’s voice out of his head.

_You’re going to end whatever you have started with him. You’re going to tell him who you belong to, who the only one allowed to touch his body and mark it is._

_You’re going to ask him to never see you again_

Maybe it had been wrong to come at all, wrong to pretend that everything was alright. It felt almost strange to do something as normal as watching a movie in bed together, laptop placed in front of them, Louis’ arms holding him in a firm, warm embrace almost as if he knew what was happening, as if he knew he would have to leave him soon and this was his silent way of saying “don’t leave”. Harry could hear the calm, steady beat of his heart, a soft thud under his ear that seemed far more precious, far more important than the pointless argument of the couple on the screen. He tried to memorize it, the calm, soft sound, reassuring and gentle against his fingertips like a song only he could hear.

“What are you thinking about?”  
“Nothing, ‘m just tired.”  
“Go to sleep then. I’ll watch over you.”, Louis whispered, the words half-mumbled into his curls as he placed a soft kiss there.

“I don’t want to.”

“Why not?”

“I’d miss you.”

“Really?”  
“Mhm definitely.”

Harry smiled lazily as he heard Louis heartbeat quicken a little at those seemingly simple words and he could feel it before he even tried to say it, he could sense its whisper between the quick, hushed beats under his ear.

“Harry?”  
“Don’t, please. Don’t do it.”

He was glad that he couldn’t see Louis face in that moment, the hurt on it, the disappointment, maybe the anger he would be too nice to show. He didn’t expect him to understand even though he desperately wished he could tell him why he was doing this against everything inside him that ached to hear it all so when Louis’ curled his fingers around his hand still lying against his side, slowly pulling it up to his face, his breathing sped up in anticipation of what he was planning to do. There was a brief moment of hesitation, then he felt the soft form of Louis’ lips on his knuckles as he kissed every single one of them as well as the tips of his fingers.

Harry closed his eyes again, completely overwhelmed by the unexpected softness, the absolute tenderness of the gesture, fighting hard to keep his tears from escaping. Why couldn’t he see that he didn’t deserve any of this? Why did he still treat him like he was something special when he clearly wasn’t? Why did this have to be so hard?

Louis lowered Harry’s hand back to where it had been previously placed on his waist before his fingers gently began to massage his scalp, occasionally combing through stubborn strands of hair and he almost purred at the feeling, his eyes fluttering close again.

“I never imagined you’d be a huge kitten like that.”

Even if he didn’t see it he could hear the fond smile in Louis voice, mixed with something else, more serious that sounded a lot like hurt, a remnant of how much Harry’s words had affected him even if he didn’t speak it out loud.

“Maybe you should feed your kitten then.”

“I thought you were tired?”

“Yes, but I’m even hungrier. I haven’t had the chance to eat something tonight yet.”  
Harry sat up, forcing a smile on his face while he leaned in until the tip of his nose touched Louis’.

“Please tell me have got something.”  
“Like I would ever let you starve.”  
“I knew it. You are perfect.”

With one rewarding kiss to his lips he stood up followed by Louis’ laugh, a little tensed but still genuine.

“I’ll have to remember to learn to cook better if it makes you so happy and earns me a kiss afterwards.”  
There was a bit of leftover pasta in the fridge Louis quickly busied himself more for the sake of just doing something than anything else while Harry leaned against the counter, not quite touching, but near enough for him to feel the warmth radiating from his body.

They had never felt so distant, so far away while being so close at the same time in the weeks they had spent together and it broke Louis not to know what caused Harry to be like this, to think that he didn’t trust him enough to tell him even after he had made it clear that he wanted to do nothing more than to give him everything he had. Maybe he had scared him away with this, had been too clingy when he knew Harry needed to go or too needy when he had called him.

Maybe this was his reminder that this beautiful angel would always be unreachable for him in the way he wanted to have him.

The quiet fizzling of the food in the pan was the only sound in the kitchen apart from the distant tune of a Christmas song coming in from one of the neighbour’s houses accompanied by occasional children’s laughs. It didn’t take long for the pasta to warm up enough for Louis to put it on a plate he handed Harry with a small smile just at the corners of his mouth as if he was afraid if he would get one back if he tried more.

“Thank you.”, Harry whispered, giving him another quick kiss.

Louis responded, but it wasn’t convinced, still hesitant in a way that made Harry’s heart break even more, because it was him, his behavior that had put this distance between them.

Just like you should, a voice in his mind whispered, strong, insistent and sounding a lot like George.

The food smelled absolutely amazing, a rich mixture of cheese, tomato and Italian spices that made Harry’s stomach flip in appreciation. Not that he was particularly picky anyway right now, partly because he really was hungry and partly because he would have eaten anything just to be occupied for a little longer, to avoid a conversation he knew he would have to have sooner or later. Louis watched him as he ate in silence, his lips parted slightly around words that never came, questions he didn’t dare to ask yet. He looked so small, so vulnerable in that moment, every emotion, every doubt, every silent confession laid out in the deep blue of his eyes for him to see that Harry just couldn’t hold back anymore.

He had to show him that he still cared, that he wasn’t hurting him out of his own will.

A big part of his mind told him that he would only make it worse and break everything they might have ever had if he still did what he had to do after it, but under this situation he found that he didn’t mind at all. If he had to let go, he needed to tell this gorgeous boy who had given him more love than anyone else in his life apart from his family ever had without him even asking for it how much he loved him back at least with his actions even if he wasn’t able to say it out loud or even feel it in the first place.

The sound of his fork clattering down on the plate was almost unnaturally loud in the still almost absolutely quiet kitchen as his actions finally caught up with his decision. He had to be brave. One last time. With a few strong, determined steps he was in front of Louis, pushing him back against the counter, hands on either side of him before he gently pressed their foreheads together. They stayed like this for a long time, just breathing each other’s air, eyes wide open in order not to miss anything, to be able to keep this picture forever. Harry’s hands lightly wandered up Louis’ sides to rest on his cheeks, his thumbs softly stroking over his cheekbones as he watched the deep blue eyes flicker down to his lips, then up to meet his gaze again.

“Why?”  
“I can’t tell you. You wouldn’t understand.”  
“You’re leaving.”  
It wasn’t a question even with the way his voice cracked a little at the last syllable. It sounded tired, completely drawn out by everything, by the constant need of having to fight like he had finally given in, accepted that he had to let Harry go if he wanted to. Louis’ eyes were still locked with his and suddenly Harry felt like he was drowning in them, his head spinning and hands starting to tremble.  
“Then I have to say it now. I can’t let you go without this.”  
His gaze was pleading now, begging for Harry to at least let him do this.

“No, don’t. Please. Save it, save the feeling, the words you want to say now for someone who is worthy of them, not someone who throws them away at the first chance he gets.”  
“You won’t.”

“Then tell me not to leave. Tell me you won’t let me go.”

Louis fingers rubbed soft circles into his hips, his eyes completely serious.

“I won’t let you go. Never.”

Harry closed his eyes before he opened them again, this time glistening with tears.  
“But I will, Louis. I have to. I’m a constant risk, insecurity and danger, I’ll to be forced to leave to please those who think they own me and worst of all I’m too much of a coward to say it in your face. I’m the worst thing that could have happened to you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”  
He didn’t give Louis the chance to respond before he closed his mouth with a kiss.  
He didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to have those sweet words he would say haunt him after he had left, trying his best to swallow them with experienced lips. The way to Louis’ room was quick between breathless kisses, no words necessary to understand or to explain any of it.  
They kept quiet, muffled gasps and chocked moans, eyes remaining open the whole time to take in every shudder, every shaky breath, every sound, every inch of warm skin under their trembling hands, to memorize it all, the only overwhelming sound in their ears the frantic beat of their hearts uniting in one, steady tune that was uniquely theirs, something no one would ever be able to take away. When Harry silently pushed away the sheets to finally end this thing he had never deserved Louis was already sleeping, rolled up into a tiny ball at his side of the bed where he had held him until he had been too tired to keep his eyes open.  
There wouldn’t be any trace left of the weeks he had spent here, not a single thing to indicate how much he had managed to hurt them both. At the end of the night the only reminder of his presence was the shining silver of the paper plane necklace on the pillow next to Louis, left with a constant stream of whispered “I’m sorry”’s and covered with tears that didn’t seem to stop falling.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which George makes (another) mistake

This time there was no pattern he could follow, no plan to tell him what to do, no clothes to put as quickly as possible before he rushed out of a house he would never see again

This time he was the one being left.

Louis was awake when Harry got up, maybe out of some strange masochistic urge not to miss anything not even if it meant witnessing the end of the best thing he had ever lived through. He felt the arm being removed from his waist, the familiar lips pressing a soft kiss to his forehead, heard the whispered sting of “I’m sorry”’s chocked with tears followed by the soft sound of his bare feet tapping on the floor and he wondered if Harry could hear the fast beat of his heart losing its rhythm with every step he took away from the bed. Even when the door clicked shut a few moments later he kept thinking that this couldn’t be happening, that he couldn’t just walk away after all they had been through without even saying goodbye like this was nothing more than just a one night stand and that he would come back, but of course he never did. It remained completely silent, the kind of silent that wasn’t comfortable but filled with thoughts, regrets, all the words he desperately wished to have gotten the chance to speak, all the questions there never were any answers to, the frantic beat of his own heart against your chest fighting against the suffocating feeling of it.

The whole situation was so pathetic, so incredibly ironic that Louis would have laughed if he wasn’t involved in it himself. What had he expected? That they would get married in a nice little church in an old English village and live happily ever after? That he would be important enough for Harry to give up his whole life to be with him? What had happened to the boy who could charm everyone with just a look without getting attached? When had he become so vulnerable? He briefly wondered if this was what the girls felt like when they woke up in the mornings only to find an empty bed with their crushed hopes that this night had been the start of something special. He wouldn’t know. They had never come back to tell him.

A big part of him was surprised at how weak he was considering the fact that he had knownwhat was coming in every single gesture Harry had given him during the whole time they had spent together, the kisses that were a little to hesitant, the words that were even slower than usual, the way he had held onto him like he was trying to remember how he had fit into his arms. He had even told him that he was leaving so why couldn’t his emotions catch up with it? Why was it so hard now that the end of their admittedly really good time together had actually come even though they had both known this wasn’t a fairy tale all along?  
It was scary how quickly he had gotten used to this, used to how good it felt and how nice it was to be breathing freely again, not to be tied down inside caged of emotionless etiquette. He hadn’t thought about how hard it must have been for Harry or how often he must have paid for this little bubble of personal happiness with punches or rough nails on his skin from jealous clients. He had been selfish, incredibly selfish and he still was.

Louis couldn’t bring himself to simply be thankful for what Harry had shared with him instead of yarning for more of a thing he didn’t have any right to ask of him. Maybe this was where it had gone wrong. Maybe he had gotten far more involved than he had ever planned to while Harry had managed to keep distant just like he should have done, too.

Maybe this was the reason he had never gotten to say those words that had been a bittersweet taste on the tip of his tongue ever since their afternoon out on the market.

Not doing it despite Harry’s begs was probably the thing he regretted most although it partly scared him how much he wanted to do this, how much he wanted him to know what he felt even if it didn’t change the fact that they would have to go separate ways.

It would have been his way of showing him how much he would miss him, his warm, deep voice especially when it was raspy after a long day, the sleepy smile he got when he felt completely comfortable, the way he always made sure to say thank you even for the tiniest things with words or a kiss, how he always tried to hide his yawns for moments when he wasn’t watching or how he hugged him a little more tightly than necessary before going away, his nose buried in the nape of his neck even though he had to bend down for it because was a little taller. He hadn’t this time. This time he wouldn’t come back watching him make some kind of warm dinner with bright eyes or to crowd him against the door with a desperate kiss. This time he wouldn’t come back at all.

The next morning he found the necklace.

The leather band was missing, just the silver paper plane pendant laying on the cushion beside him. Louis didn’t expect the pang of pain to be that strong even his racing heart had kept him from sleeping for the rest of the night, barely able to keep his eyes open

It wasn’t so much the fact that he had left it that caused Louis’ stomach to cramp painfully at the sight and his throat to suddenly feel too tight to breath than what it meant. By leaving it behind completely, not even keeping it as a reminder of their time together Harry had distanced himself in a way that left no hope for them to ever come back together in any kind of relationship, not even as friends. The cold metal in his hand was a strong, screaming “stay away from me, don’t look for me, don’t try to look for me. I won’t be there. I won’t answer. I won’t be there to hug you, kiss you or fall asleep with you like I used to. I’ll never be yours. I don’t want to be yours. Don’t come back for more.”  
And Louis didn’t.

The first two days he got drunk, so drunk that all his memory provided him with afterwards were flashes of light, heat, the deep pulse of the bass beat echoing in his chest, warm lips on his and hands curiously sneaking under thin, barely covering fabric to find matching heat burning under them. It was familiar in a strange kind of way, the same sneaking out of houses in the morning, the same pounding headache afterwards, the same slow waking up with a sleeping body clinging to his he didn’t even fully recognize in the morning light without the make up, like coming home to what he was used to, falling back into comforting old patterns he had tried to leave behind. Louis still refused to believe that he did this because of Harry or the fact that he tried to fill the evenings no longer consumed by soft, green eyes, warm hands or dimpled smiles with something else that would help him forget.

He wasn’t a teenage girl after all, he hadn’t been left. How could he when they had never been together in the first place? When he put Harry’s paper plane on his own necklace he blamed it on being a hopeless nostalgic. When he found the three of the pictures they had made in the fotobooth of a shopping center in an attempt to escape the terrible English rain that had been falling outside that day, making strange faces in the first, hugging each other tightly with stupid grins in the second and kissing with smug smiles curling around their lips in the third and he felt his eyes well up he blamed it on the awful day he’d had.

When he found himself staring at a knife in the kitchen too long while making dinner, imagining how it would look like if he just ran it over his wrist he knew it was time to act.

He called Niall a few hours later he had mostly spent pacing around, his fingers lingering over the buttons because pressing them would be a final acknowledgement of how much he was affected by this. Niall told him he couldn’t between countless apologies, that a beautiful girl called Sophie was waiting for him to accompany her to her dance show and Louis felt another pang of guilt at how much he’d missed, how much he had been caught up in his rush of Harry. It was hard to even remember a time where he hadn’t been addicted to this beautiful angel that had come into his life with the force of an all-consuming light, shining even brighter, even more entrancing than anything he had ever seen before and when pleasing him, making him happy didn’t seem the most important thing to do. It was cold without him, cold without his sun.

Louis hung up with a few badly acted words before Niall noticed his shaking voice. He couldn’t bring himself to call Liam directly after that so he tried to keep busy by making a sandwich for dinner instead while he calmed down. He didn’t even look what he was putting on it, just randomly throwing together cheese and mechanically putting slices of bread in the toaster as he probably wouldn’t even be able to eat it anyway without immediately throwing up again. Liam promised to come over as soon as he heard his voice on the phone, concerned as he had always been around them. Louis had never been able to hide anything from him, from this warm, comforting gaze not even if he desperately wanted to.

Normally he would have avoided to be objected to it for a while, but today he knew he just needed someone, anyone to keep him distracted, focused on something other than deep green and soft fingers. The knife had been warning enough.

“You look terrible.”

Louis didn’t bother to turn around, just continued making the sandwich he hadn’t finished before for his phone call.

“Nice to see you, too George.”  
He felt the heat of another body next to his, felt the trail of his brother’s gaze down his body, resting a little longer on the necklace with the two paper planes with a smile around his lips.

“So you finally understood that you don’t always get what you want, did you?”  
Louis stopped his movements, his eyes finally coming to meet George’s in a fierce look.

“What do you want?”  
“Nothing I’m just interested in my brother’s problems. You don’t look happy.”

“Since when do you care about me?”

“Well since you took such good care of my first love I thought I’d return the favor.”

His fingers became tight around the knife, knuckles turning white with the pressure.”  
“Leave. Now.”  
“Or what? Are you going to kill me?”

Louis took a few breath, trying to remain calm. He didn’t want Liam to see this.

“Look, I’m not in the mood for discussions right now. I’ve had a terrible day and I know that you don’t care, but I’m not having any of your strange moods on top of it. Leave now and everyone will be fine, alright? Go clubbing or do something useful for once.”  
George pushed himself off the kitchen counter, his smile not fading in the slightest. Louis hadn’t seen him beaming like this in years.

“I will, believe me. Something you would like to do now, too, the reason why you have this stupid necklace all for yourself now and the reason you’re being a twat. This time I won. This time I’m the one who got the boy.”

He didn’t give Louis any chance to respond, just turned around and left the kitchen with one last grin over his shoulder. It took a while until the whole extent of his brother’s words hit him with such a violence that he had to brace himself against a nearby chair to remain on his feet.

Suddenly the punches on Harry’s body, the times he fell asleep completely exhausted against Louis, the soft whimpers he sometimes made in his dreams, the fear he tried to hide every time he had to go, the way he held onto him when they kissed as if it was completely new to him to be treated that way had a face. George was the man who had claimed him.

Liam didn’t ask any questions when Louis welcomed him in the doorway, already fully clothed with nothing more than a breathless:  
“You need to drive me. Quickly.”  
There was no more talking necessary, just occasional directions where he had to turn, the radio filling the silence in the car most of the time instead with some cheesy pop tunes that didn’t fit the situation at all with their meaningless lyrics and even less creative beats. Louis almost ran up the stairs, everything inside him spinning with thoughts he didn’t want himself to think yet. This wasn’t the time for “what if”’s or self-hatred even though he was pretty sure it would come later. This was the time to act.

Zayn just smiled at him when he saw him almost running on his way up the staircase as if he had only waited for this, waited for him to come over.

“How can I help you?”  
Louis braced himself against the doorframe, his breathing still labored from the jog.

“You need to tell me where he is. I have to find him.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Harry goes back to his past and finds his future at the same time...Sorry for any mistakes I'll fix them as soon as I have time to properly proof-read the whole thing! And thank you for reading you're the best!

Three days after his last night with Louis Harry was on his way out of London.

It was something he had been longing to do for a few months now, but he had never gotten the chance to actually do it. There had always been too little free time, a wall in their apartment to paint, a meet-up with friends to go to or just not enough money to afford the train ticket after all the expenses they had to pay for, but now after the events of this day he had felt like this would be the only thing to help him decide what he should to next.

If he wasn’t able to do it for himself he at least owed Zayn to try and clear his thoughts even if it didn’t turn out to be successful in the end and it would feel good to be home after such a long time, too. When their boss announced that they would have two full days off on the end of that week Harry knew he had to do it now or he wouldn’t do it at all.

He left on Friday afternoon with just an overnight-bag he had carelessly tossed a T-Shirt in along with the few other things he would need for his stay and the old coat against the freezing winter air outside. The train station was uncharacteristically empty for a working day, but he was glad for it as it would make it easier to think, to regain some composure.  
He hadn’t been back to Holmes Chapel since he had left home completely three years ago and up to now he had never really missed it. There were too many bad memories, too many hurtful things he left there for him for him to feel homesick or even nostalgic about it. It had almost seemed like a blessing not to have to return and tear open the wounds that would probably never heal even in London.

Now it seemed like this was the only place he would be able to breathe in properly, away from everything haunting him since the night he had obeyed to George’s command. A part of him was surprised at how deeply it affected him, how much effort it took to actually stay away from Louis when he had been so convinced that this was the right thing to do.

He wouldn’t drag him further into his life than he already had, he wouldn’t let him suffer the same difficulties he was going through at least that was what he had rationally decided.

It was his emotions that were much more difficult to control.

Maybe he had even expected Louis to fight for him, to try harder to keep him and he was sure that if he would have told him to stay just one more time he wouldn’t have been able to go no matter how much he would have tried, but he hadn’t.

He had let him chose his own way, made it even easier by not asking why or trying to convince him otherwise. Harry knew it was selfish to want to have this soft blanket of love ready wrap around him whenever he was hurt or tired, to miss the fingers caressing his skin that only knew harsh nails and the lips to place kisses on all of his bruises with incredible gentleness, but he couldn’t help it now that he knew how good it felt.

Holmes Chapel was exactly like he remembered it from his last visit here.

Everything was small even the sidewalks, the typical English houses decorated with immense care now just before Christmas making them look almost like they were painted against the grey background of the winter sky. There was something incredibly calm about the whole atmosphere, the children excitedly pressing their noses against the shop windows, the clouds hanging low above the city as if they were ready to snow down on the scenery at any moment, the couples walking closer together with hot cups in their hands to keep themselves warm, the soft sound of cheesy Christmas pop songs coming out of some of the shops.

It should feel like coming home, like Christmas, but all it felt like to Harry was sickening.

This moment in London when Louis had kissed him in the middle of a market just because he wanted to, because he could, soft and tasting like the hot chocolate they had drunk before had been more genuine, more like Christmas than all of this even if it was familiar.

Harry didn’t feel at home here anymore, he had seen too much, experienced too much to still identify as a part of those innocent kids, loved-up couples and lovely older women occasionally having a chat at the door of their houses with a passant. The only place that would always be a part of him in this town he had grown out of was the cemetery, the first place he went after he had made his way through the center from the train station.

The way was still burned into his memory, a silent, grassy path between white meadows. There were a few new graves now, another silent testimony of how the life in his hometown had went on perfectly fine without him, the same routine, the same everyday tragedies of the human life no one could stop or predict. Harry felt his throat tighten the closer he got to

the grave of his parents he hadn’t seen since the day of the funeral, the day he had left this town forever. They had died in a car accident one month after Harry’s seventeenth’s birthday, leaving him and his older brother Jake behind as orphans.

He had been at school that day, but there had been a vague feeling that something would happen inside him the whole time so when his aunt fetched him with swollen eyes, voice chocked as she told him what had happened it wasn’t as much of a surprise as it probably should have been.

The first weeks had been a constant blur of activity, suffocating hugs, sympathetic smiles and nice words, so much that Harry was too exhausted to even cry sometimes. His grandparents had tried to help them as much as they could despite their age, but in the end it hadn’t been enough. The house had been too expensive so they had sold it heavy-heartedly and in hindsight Harry knew that they had also sold their past, their childhood with it.

After that Jake had decided to make a new start in Glasgow for the better chances to get a job there and met a young, blonde photographer not much later Harry had only ever seen on the few photos he had sent him in old fashioned, hand written letters once every few months while he had moved to London right after everything had been organized in Holmes Chapel.

The funeral of his parents had also been the last time he had seen all the people from his childhood and he’d never really had an urge to change that. The only people he missed with all of his heart were the two people he would never see again because they weren’t with him anymore.

A part of him wished they could have seen him in that moment, seen how much he looked like his mother now and how he had grown up in the past years and that he could ask them for advice in everything like he used to, tell them what occupied him at the moment.

This had always been the most difficult part, the fact that he wasn’t able to hold them, breathe in the comforting smell of his mother, laugh with his father or share his everyday experiences with them no matter how trivial they might be.

In the beginning he had talked to them in the evenings before falling asleep, his voice hushed so Zayn wouldn’t wake up. He had told them everything, every dream, every bad or good experience and he had cried more than a few times because it was never enough never the conversation he needed or the comfort he was yarning for.

As time passed the wounds had begun to heal just like the many other wounds on his inside and outside, but they had never healed completely, occasionally breaking open when something triggered a special memory about his parents.

Harry knew he would never be the same, but he had never stopped to try.

He crouched down beside the grave and ran his hands over the gravestone like he had always done because it felt like he could really be connected to them in this way when he felt the nature, the earth underneath his fingertips.

“Hi mum, hi Dad.", he started and he could hear how much his voice was already trembling, fingers tightening in the damp grass ,"I know it’s been long, really long. I almost forgot how it looked like here, how beautiful this cemetery is. I’m…I’m sorry I know I must have disappointed you every single day, every time I let someone I didn’t want kiss me, every time I sold myself just to be able to have something to eat, but can’t change any of it now no matter how much I might want to. I hope you can forgive me for what I’ve done and for not being brave and just giving up when things seemed to go well this one time.

Somewhere in the streets behind the church a dog started to bark, loud and unabashed in a way that sounded so wrong here, too full of life to fit. It felt like a slap to his face somehow, sounded more like amused laughter than in that moment anything else.

I’ve never wanted to do anything else than to make you proud and I know I have failed spectacularly on that, but I’ll never stop trying, I promise you that. And I met a boy. I never thought I would, because I lost every hope to be able to fall in love the moment I walked through the doors of this apartment building in London and I don’t know how he did it to be honest, but I’m grateful for it nonetheless.", Harry continued after the dog had stopped, even gentler because it suddenly felt like he had no right to be here either and all those words he was saying were so meaningless in a place that'd seen so much worse than this, "He is beautiful, incredibly beautiful, not only on the outside but also on the inside, sweet, nice and overall absolutely wonderful. He saved me in more way than one even though I realized it much too late.

I pushed him away because I was told to, I was too afraid to even give it a chance. I guess never deserved one so it’s only fair. I hope he finds someone worthy of his love, of those blue eyes looking at him like he looked at me. I’ll support them with all I have if he does. I..”

Harry stopped to wipe away the tears on his cheeks, his voice still shaking when he continued.

“…I just wish you could have met him. You would have loved him. He was far too good for me, but I’m happy to have been able to at least enjoy his presence that long.”

His fingers gently stroked over the snow-covered grass, his lip drawn between his teeth to keep from crying more.

“I know that this visit is not enough, that I’m not a son to be proud of in any kind of way and I’m so incredibly sorry that I didn’t come here more often, but I want you to know that I love you so, so much and I miss you every single minute and will continue to miss you until I die. This is the only thing I can say to make better what I did.”

Harry reached into the pocket of his jacket to pull out a small figure of Mary holding a tiny Jesus in her arms, one of the set he had seen in the shop window the day George had beaten him up on the street before he gently placed it on the gravestone on the ground.

“I immediately thought of you when I saw this, of our Christmas parties together, the pancakes and the laughter, the good times. I’m going to leave it here now, alright? I love you, Mum. I love you, Dad. So much.”

He stood up after that, suddenly unable to breathe, unable to think in this place so he just walked the streets without any aim, trying to calm his racing heart.  
It was slowly getting dark by the time he passed the inconspicuous little bakery near the outskirts of town but Harry didn’t allow himself to go back to the train station. He felt like he needed the time alone even if it was just for a few more hours. There was a security in being here despite all the bad things he had experienced, a security he didn’t feel he’d ever had in London even if it was just temporary and he wasn’t ready to let it go yet. Maybe he would even ask Meggie to let him spend the night in exchange for a helping hand in her bakery just as he had used to do so many years ago when he had worked here on weekends to help his family to pay the bills that always seemed too high as much as he could.

He had been fifteen years old then and it had probably been the best time of his life even though things had been far from perfect, the last time he remembered having been really happy. The customers as well as the shop assistants had loved him, won over by his charm, his smile and his voice instantly especially the young girls who had been giggling in what they had thought was subtle every time they stopped by after school for a coffee. Harry wondered what they would do if they saw him now.

His reflection in the dark shop window staring back at him was enough evidence of how much he had changed physically, his body slimmer, manlier, his hair blown out, shorter curls instead of the insane halo he’d had back then, his steps more confident, his eyes more determined, his face the face of an adult instead of the soft features of a fifteen year old boy.

What couldn’t be seen in the fogged glass were the internal scars he’d gotten since he had last worked here. On the outside he had blossomed into a breathtakingly beautiful young man who made everyone turned around whenever he walked down a street in London, but on the inside his beauty was bruised by his life, by all the people showing him how worthless he had become, so much that it was hard to even look into the eyes of his own, cold reflection.

The night air was ghosting over every inch of his skin not covered by his clothes with its icy breath to the rhythm of the first snow-flakes finally dancing down from a grey sky after a long, cold day. It was so quiet that he heard the car before he saw it slowing down and pulling to a halt near him in one well-practiced motion.

Louis saw how Harry flinched under the lights, backing away like an animal trapped by his hunters, eyes wide with surprise at the sight of him. His hands were clenched around the hems of his T-Shirt like they desperately needed something to hold onto in this situation that seemed surreal for both of them after days of not talking. It hurt to know that he wasn’t just afraid, but afraid of him, that his lips were trembling because of his spectacular failure to keep his own brother from treating him in a way that was too bad, too cruel to even put in words.

He slowly opened the door, the only thing he could think of at the moment, but remained inside to keep the distance Harry obviously needed.  
“What are you doing here?”  
His voice wasn’t harsh, more calculated, distanced just like the rest of him.

“George told me.”  
The flash of panic in Harry’s eyes was brief, but clearly visible while he backed away even more, almost bumping against the wall of the bakery behind them.

“No Harry, don’t. Don’t do this. You know I won’t hurt you and I’m not asking you to come back to London with me in this car. I’m only asking you to listen to me for a few minutes on the driver seat shielded from the cold, that’s all I want. Please?”  
Even he himself heard the way his words cracked on the last syllable, heard how broken, how desperate it sounded. Maybe this was what caused Harry to give into something he knew he shouldn’t do, because it was dangerous, dangerous and unprofessional. As soon as he got closer to Louis again he wouldn’t be able to stop, he hadn’t even managed it during the time they had been apart no matter how hard he had tried to convince himself otherwise.

Harry could feel the emotions taking over, the urge to do anything to wipe away this vulnerable, questioning look off his face, to take away the tiredness in his eyes that had a muddy blue color now, a silent evidence of how much his departure had affected him.

Louis looked even smaller now, all soft curves in the light of the street lanterns slowly coming to life behind them and if he hadn’t been before that was when he was absolutely sure that he had broken his rule.

He was in love with this gorgeous boy who had driven the whole way from London just to talk to him for a few minutes, irrevocably and desperately more than he had ever thought it possible to love another person. It hadn’t been George’s presence which had made it impossible to breathe after he had left, it had been Louis’ absence, the knowledge that he had given up on him without fighting when in reality there had never been a use in running, because there would always be a part of him belonging to Louis.

Just in that moment Louis dropped his gaze, eyes fixed on his hands now, but not giving up on an answer yet and that was what finally did it for Harry. With a few steps he was in front of him and when he looked up in surprise he used the moment to lean down for a kiss, hands placed on Louis’ thighs. It seemed the only logical thing to do, the only way to show his feelings and thoughts that seemed to threaten to suffocate him otherwise. Louis made a shocked noise in the back of his throat at the sudden feel of those familiar lips pressed to his after he had thought he’d lost the person he loved most forever before he responded, pulling Harry closer until he was practically sitting on his lap.

His hands didn’t leave Harry, not if he was finally able to hold him again and the feeling of his presence, the smell of his skin still cold from the winter air, his hands on his waist, their lips moving together was almost too much to take in as every single part of his body was united in an inaudible, all-consuming scream of Harry.

When they separated for air the only noise in their car was their own, quick breaths, the snow lakes drawing icy pictures on the car windows beside them now, shielding them from the curious looks of the world outside.

“I’m sorry.”

Harry’s eyes were still closed, his breath hot against Louis’ lips, his voice almost unnatural in the complete silence.

“I should have more control. I shouldn’t have thrown you off guard with it like this.”  
“Don’t be sorry, I don’t mind. In fact I’m happy you did. I’m happy you didn’t go, I don’t think I would have survived that.”  
“That’s a bit drastic, isn’t it?”

“But true. When George told me that he was the one owning you I felt like I was about to drown and not being able to tell you how sorry I am for not having protected you better would have killed me. I just had to tell you how much I wish that I could have prevented this from happening, that I had looked harder, paid better attention to what was happening instead of blindly trusting someone who has always hated me. I should have known he would try to get you as soon as he saw the pictures of us in the tabloids. He has always waited for his opportunity to take revenge and I missed the moment he did.

I’m so sorry that you had to do this, I can’t even tell you how much, I…”  
Louis cut himself off, the tears swallowing the last words while his fingers began to tremble on Harry’s hips. He didn’t care if he looked weak in that moment, all he could feel was he was exhaustion, exhaustion and guilt for how much he had failed at everything, his eyes drifting close, too.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”, he finally whispered, “It would have saved you so much.”  
“I couldn’t, he would have beaten me to death if he found out. He almost did when he thought I would refuse not to see you anymore.”

Louis’ brows furrowed with anger above his closed eyes.

“I’m going to kill him.”

“You don’t have to.”  
His eyes finally opened again at that, fixing Harry with a soft expression.

“Of course he’ll have to pay for what he did, I’ll make that sure. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you like that. If they want to get to you they have to get to me first.”

Harry’s expression was incredibly tired now, his features soft in the warm glow of the fading sun behind them.

“Why do you do this? Why do you fight?”  
“Because this is worth it. Every single thing about it is worth it, every time I see you smile, every single morning I get to wake up next to you, every time I hear you laugh at one of my jokes even though they are terrible most of the time, every single kiss I get to share with you, because they still make my head spin around like the first time, the way your voice sounds when you have just woken up still thick with sleep or how you always hold onto me a little longer than necessary as if you were afraid that I would slip away otherwise, you are worth it. Absolutely worth it.”

“But I have got nothing, absolutely nothing why don’t you understand that? No house, no family, no freedom, not even the prospect for a better future. I couldn’t even offer you a place to sleep or something to eat and if I didn’t have Zayn I would probably be living on the streets. Our live is a constant struggle, we never know if the money we have left at the end of the month will be enough for both of us until we get our next paycheck.

I don’t want you to live like that, nobody should.”

Louis reached out to brush his thumb along Harry’s jaw with just enough pressure to feel him shiver lightly at the touch as his eyelids fluttered shut for a moment.  
“Why do you still refuse to let me take care of you? Why don’t you want me?”  
“Of course I want you.”

Harry’s voice was rough, a warm whisper against Louis’ cheek.

“I just don’t want you to destroy your own future because of me. There is so much more at stake for you than there is for me. I don’t have anything to lose, I never had. My body isn’t mine, my emotions aren’t mine, the way my life goes is decided by others, but you have all that. You have the freedom to become someone really important, to be successful, to be happy. I can’t see you being happy with me, no matter how much I might want that.

Your family won’t accept me, the paparazzi will drive you insane, you’ll lose everything you had: Your company, your support, your friends, your social contacts. I don’t want that to happen, not even if it means not being happy myself.”

“If that’s the only reason then you really didn’t understand anything I said. You are my family, more than anyone else has ever been. All the people you mentioned are false, too caught up in playing their part in this game I hate more than anything else. I have tried to flee this world I live in for most of my life and I have been unhappy for the whole time even though it might seem that I got lucky in life. I know I should probably be more grateful, but I can’t be. Every time I see them dressing up and gossiping in little groups with those fake smiles pastered on their faces I feel like I’m going to be sick.

You are the first one who showed me how to be myself without any fear of being judged. You are more genuine and more beautiful from the inside and out than any of them could ever be.

You are perfect.”

“Aren’t you scared?”  
“Of course I’m scared, but I’m even more scared of losing you again and I know that I will be the luckiest man in the world if the most precious, most amazing, most beautiful human being I’ve ever seen is willing to put up with me even if we’ll have rough patches or little fights in the future.”  
Louis made a little pause to look at Harry properly, this beautiful, incredibly brave boy who had been willing to give up the only thing he had ever possessed, his own personal happiness, to enable him to be free to do what he wanted and suddenly those words he had struggled with seemed so natural that he couldn’t understand why he had ever been afraid to tell them.

His he kissed every inch of Harry’s face he could reach, his nose, his cheekbones, his chin, his forehead until his eyes drifted close under the touches. When he opened them again, heavy-lidded and his lips curled around the edges of a smile he knew that this was the moment.

Louis took Harry’s hands between his where they were lying in his lap, his expression completely serious now.

“I know that this isn’t what you want to hear as an explanation for what I’m doing, but maybe someday you will. I love you, Harry. I have loved you ever since I saw you on the evening we first met and that won’t change. Never.”

Harry didn’t say anything for a few moments his lips trembling with emotions too strong to put into words, eyes roaming over Louis face as if he desperately tried to convince himself that this had really happened, that another human being had really told him he loved him.

It almost broke Louis to see him like this, to see that he didn’t even consider the possibility that someone might fall in love with him and that he couldn’t see how perfect he was especially with everything he’d had to go through.

“I love you, too. So much.”  
Harry’s voice was barely more than a chocked whisper, but it was enough to make Louis’ eyes tear up with relief. He hadn’t realized how much he had needed to hear this, to know that he would let him love him back. There were no more words necessary the moment Harry kissed him seconds later while he climbed into his lap even more as much as the steering wheel behind him allowed him, his hands braced against the seat to stay steady. All that he hadn’t been able to say out loud was said with this simple gesture, all the desperation, the guilt, the love, the relief, the joy mouthed in the movements of his lips. It was Louis who eventually ended the kiss, his forehead resting against Harry’s, lips still hovering about his and hands placed firmly on the small of his back.

“If you don’t stop I can’t guarantee that I won’t drag you into the backseat right now and that wouldn’t be good considering the fact that we’re on a public parking lot.”

Harry brushed his kiss-swollen lips against his, soft and gentle, his eyes still closed.  
“Someone once told me the best answer to that is “I don’t care”.”

“Must have been a wise man.”

It shouldn’t have been perfect at all, too less space, too many things telling them not to do this, too many voices still haunting them, but it was. Louis stopped a few times, just looking down at Harry in complete awe, kissing or softly running a finger of a piece of his skin, not able to process that this really was all his. He was still dizzy with it by the time he held Harry in his arms where they had settled to sleep in the backseat, overwhelmed by the happiness of being able to feel him this close, breathe him in, be wrapped up with this beautiful human being he loved with everything he had. In this night, in the calmness of the car with Harry’s arm around him, the rhythm of his slow breaths warm on his neck matching the beat of his heart against his skin Louis prayed for the second time since he had met his boy.

He didn’t ask for anything like he had done as a child, he just thanked him for being given the chance to make him happy and enjoy this moment of perfect unity with only the stars as witnesses.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which George experiences that what goes around comes back around...

It was still snowing the next morning, their car was covered in a soft blanket of white drowning out the waking town around them apart from a few muffled noises like a far-away, soft lullaby.

When Louis finally woke up due to the uncomfortable position he had fallen asleep in it was to the soft sound of Harry’s breathing, curls tickling his chin, his head resting on his chest while his arm was wrapped around him to stay on the seat causing his lips to curl into a sleepy smile. His back was arching from being pressed against the seat, his arm almost numb where they had both laid on it, but he couldn’t bring himself to care, not if he was able to wake up to Harry sleeping next to him, his mouth slightly parted, hair sprawled all over the place, brows furrowed in some kind of intense dream with his smell, the feel of his skin pressed against his own filling his entire consciousness. It was lot like all those times he had woken up after long party nights, but this time the dominating emotion was overflowing happiness at the realization that he was still holding this beautiful human being in his arms, that he was still willing to be there instead of the urge to run away from it as soon as possible and it felt a lot like finally coming home.

Louis was careful not to wake Harry when he slowly untangled himself to be able to get out of the car. He had already noticed the bakery in front of the spot their car stood the evening before so he decided it would be a good place to start looking for a proper breakfast.

The air was still icy cold, but Louis enjoyed the freshness it only carried when it had snowed as well as the silence of the early hour, the only sound being the snow cracking under his shoes as he made his way to the front door. The glass display of the counter inside was filled with various, gorgeous looking specialties that were only sold during the time around Christmas, a warm, heavy smell of spices replacing the coldness outside.

There was already a little cue forming inside so Louis had enough time to decide what he would bring back to surprise his boy. He recognized a tray of brown cinnamon cookies, the exact same kind his grandmother had made for them every year when they had come to visit her on Boxing Day. She had always been his favorite family member, because she had been the only one to make fun of the way they had to behave in a subtle way, not too obvious to be able to called out for it, but clear enough for everyone who looked closely.

Louis had been her favorite grandson so she had always made sure to pass him a few especially good ones, often with a little chocolate crust on them when no one was watching with a wink and a soft kiss on his forehead. When she had died he had continued the tradition even though he wasn’t as good at baking as he was at cooking because they were the things he would always associate with her along with her typical, heavy perfume and her voice until he had been forced to stop by his duties as the oldest son of a hotel empire.

The fact that he had found them again now of all times seemed almost like a sign, the last piece that fitted into the feeling of Christmas finally settling in with Harry the way he had never experienced it before.

“Four of those cinnamon cookies and two coffee to go please.”  
He didn’t even bother to hide the big smile he didn’t seem to be able to get off his face since yesterday, earning him a raised eyebrow from the young girl behind the counter as she passed him the bag with his purchases. Harry was already awake by the time he returned, looking like the complete opposite of the winder’s day outside in his hoodie that was a little too big, his hair messed up from the night’s sleep, the way his eyes were crinkling at the corners, a dark, deep green in the light of the morning: warm, soft, cozy, glowing with the radiating giddiness transported in his smile and more beautiful than anything Louis had ever without even trying.

Louis couldn’t resist to press a soft kiss to his lips now that he knew he was allowed to as soon as he had closed the door to their little private world inside the car accompanied by a rush of chill air. Harry pulled away almost immediately with a little gasp, lips still ghosting over Louis’ .

“This is like kissing a snow man. I definitely need to warm you up.”  
Louis quirked an eyebrow, mouth twitching in an amused expression.

“Warm me up?”  
“Yes, warm you up.”  
With that Harry’s lips were on his again, soft, gentle pecks on every part of his lips starting at the left corner, only occasionally pulling away to place kisses on the equally cold tip of his nose, his chin and his jawline before moving further down to his neck.

“Mmm you’re warm here.”

Louis could hear the smirk in the words mouthed against the skin just above his collarbone.

“Are you enjoying yourself?”  
“Quite. Did I do a good job? Feeling better?”  
“Much better. Thank you.”

“Good.”

Harry pulled away slowly, the pleased grin spreading over his entire face, dimples on full display.

“Glad I could help.”, he added with a wink after one last kiss on Louis’ nose just because he could. That was when his gaze fell onto the bag in Louis hands, his eyes lighting up in a way that made Louis heart skip a beat, reminding him of their afternoon on the Christmas market.

“You were at the bakery?”  
“Yes, I woke up early so I thought I might as well get breakfast.”  
“You’re officially my favorite.”

Those simple words shouldn’t have made Louis’ heart race like it wanted to beat its way out of his chest, but it did nonetheless. Harry leaned over for another quick kiss - on his lips this time - then he took the bag to examine its contents with a pleased noise.

“I absolutely love those, too. We always ate them on Christmas morning whenever my mum could afford to buy enough of them for all of us.”

“You went to this bakery?”  
Harry looked up from choosing his cookies, an amused smile on his lips.

“Well there aren’t that many of them in Holmes Chapel are they? But yes, I went here more often than I probably would have liked to. I worked here for two years before I left.”

“Really? You must have sold a lot with your charm.”

“I doubt it had much to do with my charm.”, Harry laughed, but Louis could hear the tensed edge to it, “and I hid in the back as often as I could anyway, helping with the baking or just watching. It was definitely more interesting than facing strange flirt attempts by school girls.”  
“What happened then? Why did you leave?”  
There was a brief moment of silence when Harry swallowed the bite he had been chewing, his eyes roaming over Louis face as if to test his reaction. It looked like they turned even darker, the color some needles trees had just before winter broke in.

His voice was even slower than usual when he spoke, hesitant, choosing each word carefully.

“My parents died in a car accident when I was seventeen. My mother was working that that day, my father, too and I was at school with my brother. They had promised us a family evening, dinner and a movie, something we couldn’t afford to do very often so we were beaming the whole day with the prospect of it of course. My father fetched my mother from work to get a few things at the house from my aunt in the next city and when they drove back a truck didn’t see the red light on a cross-way. They were dead immediately.

It was my aunt who told us the news after school.”  
Harry had to stop there, his forehead furrowed with the effort to keep his voice steady and Louis just leaned over to pull him into a tight hug, trying to tell him how much it meant to him that he had trusted him with this through his actions. He felt Harry relaxing a little, his fingers loosely curled around his upper arm, doing nothing else than simply breathe for a few moments, long, drawn-out intakes of air against Louis’ chest.

“I’m sorry”, Louis whispered between kisses on the top of Harry’s head everywhere he could reach, “I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault. But I just couldn’t stay here after that, not with everything reminding me of them and when we had to sell our house it was the last push I needed to cut all strings. I left the day of my parent’s funeral. I didn’t take anything, just a bag with two jeans, a few T-Shirts, the money I had managed to save from my job in the bakery and a train ticket to London. I jobbed at a bar at first, one of the less-known, quiet ones near the outskirts of town. I didn’t earn much, but it was enough for a tiny flat shared with three other of my co-workers. Even though we barely had space to move around I liked it, liked the feeling of finally being independent. I don’t know why, but somehow the people there seemed to notice me immediately and that was the first time I felt exposed, vulnerable under their gazes not even trying to hide how much they wanted me with much less clothes. One of them was my future boss, who must have noticed the way they all were looking whenever I passed so that was how I ended up in this life I am in now. I met Zayn on my first day and we decided to move in together almost immediately.

He was the only one who was nice to me, who understood how difficult it was to be thrown into all of this without the slightest idea how to even treat those people who would come to see us each night. I don’t think I would have survived a single day without his support.

It was far from perfect, but one day I learned to managed and I never thought I’d find a motivation big enough to even consider leaving. It was too dangerous, too terrifying.”

Harry stopped himself to sit up a little so he could see Louis face before he said the next words, just looking at him for a few moments while he reached out to outline the line of his cheekbone with his thumb, a feather light, gentle touch.

His eyes were still glistening from the held-back tears, so soft and full of silent awe and admiration as they met his that Louis could do nothing else than look back, his breath stuck in his throat, all words he wanted to say drowned out by the rush of blood in his ears.

“I was perfectly settled into all of this until the evening I met you. I don’t even know how to explain it, you were just so absolutely different from all of them. You didn’t try to devour me with your eyes even though you looked at me before we met, you didn’t even walk up to ask me yourself instead. You weren’t possessive or aggressive, you were almost shy and I felt myself crumbling at that immediately.

I wasn’t used to it, but I couldn’t help enjoying it, enjoying to be touched in a gentle, almost caring way when all I had ever known was bruising kisses and rough hands.

And obviously I still can’t stop coming back for more.” 

His grin was loop-sided, a little broken at the edges, a silent question asking for reassurance, for words he didn’t even know himself but needed to hear, words only Louis could give him.

“I love you and I won’t let you go back there. You are mine now.”

He leaned forward to soften the words, the movements of his lips speaking the rest he couldn’t express otherwise. Harry smiled into the kiss and when they broke away his eyes were sparkling, content and soft.

“Yours.”, he whispered with closed eyes, slow like he was testing the feel of it on his tongue.  
“Mine.”, Louis confirmed, pressing another kiss on Harry’s lips for good measure.

The snow kept falling against the side window, closing them in in its cold embrace and blurring the edges of the world around them, but all Louis could see was the soft, warm look on Harry’s face, all he could feel were the fingertips against the dip of his waist grazing over his skin. Despite the fact that they were in a car at the side of a street, the morning traffic slowly beginning to build around them he had never felt this grounded, this settled, everything narrowing down to the places they touched, the air they shared in rushed breaths as their foreheads rested together into a complete, delicious calmness.

For the first time Louis didn’t feel the need to go somewhere else, because he couldn’t imagine anything more precious, more captivating than the soft thud of Harry’s heart under his fingertips matching his own and nothing more important than every moment he got to spend with him. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many ways he wanted to say thank you for finally bringing him the peace he had longed for so long, but when he saw the awed look in Harry’s eyes making him feel warm even if it was absolutely freezing inside the car, the corners of his mouth quirked up slightly he knew that he understood.

“Our coffees must be absolutely cold by now.”  
Louis laughed, puffy, white breaths in the cold air.

“I bet they are, yes. And the cookies won’t be as warm either.”  
“It was worth it though. Thank you again for bringing breakfast.”  
With one last kiss on the tip of Louis’ nose Harry took his cookie again along with his cup of coffee, moving his socked feet up to rest in his lap like they belonged there and in that moment Louis thought maybe they had all along. They finished their breakfast quickly after that, occasionally stealing pieces of each other’s cookies or a quick kiss in between bites just because it seemed completely natural to be this needy, this desperate for physical contact at any given moment. The ride back to London was quiet for the most part, a comfortable silence only broken by the CD Louis had put in. Neither of them really wanted to leave this state of blissful happiness they were in now in favor of a return into their everyday routine. So far they had been able to pretend that everything would be easy now that they were fully each other’s, that they would be able to fight everything if they just did it together, but they both knew that the reality was much more complicated than that. The snow-flakes were falling heavily now, a cold, fragile dance of white in front of the windscreen to the rhythm of the Christmas song playing on low volume.

Harry’s feet were pulled up on the console, his fingers tapping on his thighs while he sang along in a deep hum, careful not to distract him from the street.

“I meant what I said you know?”, Louis said after a few moments with a side look, “I’ll make sure he has to pay for what he has done .”  
Harry stopped humming, turning around to look at Louis profile from his side instead, eyes completely serious.

“I don’t want you to ruin your family because of me. It’s a huge gift to have one.”  
Louis laughed, a cold, bitter sound that made Harry frown.  
“Not in my case, trust me. My father’s only concern is how to make even more money, I’ve hardly ever seen my mother since I was a child because she was too invested in pleasing him in every way she could, my sister is slowly turning into one of those high society women who compare their numbers of hot dates on one of those disgusting champagne parties and I don’t even want to talk about my brother or I’ll drive the car somewhere it shouldn’t be.

I have never felt like a part of this family, not even in times where everything seemed to be fine. I’m too different to relate to their lifestyle or their way of thinking.”

Harry placed a hand on his forearm, squeezing softly.

“They are your family nonetheless. You can’t just throw them away because of a boy like me. Please try to forgive them for me for whatever you think they have done, even your brother and if you don’t think you can’t try to remember that I forgave them first.”

The words echoed in his mind long when he opened the front door of their house after he had dropped Harry in front of the apartment building with a kiss and the promise to come over as soon as matters with George were sorted out. He was suddenly hyper aware of the coldness inside it without Harry to distract him, everything clean, smooth, not a single crack to indicate that there was someone using it on a regular basis. Lifeless was probably the best word to describe it, the complete opposite of Harry, who was light, warmth, incredibly beauty, easy laughs, carefreeness, love in the midst of this coldness, perfect in every single way especially with the scars and bruises. Louis tried to cling to the voice echoing in his thoughts, but he doubted he would be able to actually act according to them when he saw George.

It wasn’t until he heard footsteps coming into hallway that he realized just how much he had been right about himself. The moment he spotted George near the stairs on his way up Louis was on him, pushing him back against the balustrade hard, both hands around his shoulders with a firm grip to keep him there. It felt good, good to finally stand up for who he really was and to really fight for someone instead of smiling along. He wasn’t going to try to please those people with their fake smiles or his family anymore, not if he had this wonderful boy at his side he wanted to parade around for everyone to see.

There was a brief flash of fear in George’s eyes along with a harsh intake of breath as he felt himself being pinned against the cold metal bars, completely taken aback by the furious look in his brother’s eyes he had never seen this determined, but he quickly caught himself again.

“What are you doing? Did you decide to kill me after all?”  
Louis laughed, a cold, clinging sound instead of the soft ring it normally was.

“You wouldn’t even be worth it.”  
“What is it then?”

“I’m telling you your punishment. Don’t think I have forgotten.”  
“Forgotten what exactly?”  
Louis growled in frustration, his head thrown back and eyes burning with all the insatiable anger he had held back during all those years George had tried to provoke him when they came to look at him again while his hands tightened their grip on his shoulders even more as a little warning.

“Don’t act dumber than you are. I have absolutely no patience left with you.”

“So you talked to your little whore then? Did he tell you how much he hates you?”

A little smirk played around George’s lips, obviously enjoying the challenge now that he had started to regain control of the situation. Louis’ hand was quick, a well-placed slap across his brother’s right cheek leaving him with his mouth open at the unexpected pain, every trace of the previous self-assuredness replaced by horror, mouth parted in a shocked gasp.

“Don’t ever talk about him like that again, is that understood? It shouldn’t have come that far, but you gave me no other choice. I’m sick of this, sick of your childish fight for the title of the most popular son in the family, your constant seek for assurance, your respectless comments, the way you treat everyone like they are something less than you, even your own siblings.

I thought that you would eventually grow up, learn that this isn’t the way to gain the kind of acknowledgement you want, but obviously I was dangerously wrong.

You went too far this time and you will have to pay for every single thing you did, trust me.

Firstly: Harry is a human being not your doll or toy. You don’t own him, you never will and the way you treated him like a thing you can use to fulfill your secret is disgusting to say the least.

Louis showed George one time for emphasis, causing his back to press against the metal bars with a painful, heavy thud.

“Secondly: If I see only one more of those injuries on his body, either by punches or your teeth I’m going to scrap every inch of your skin I can use until you’re screaming for help underneath me and I’m not going to stop until you have felt the exact same amount of pain you have put this beautiful angel through.”  
Another shove, made even harder this time by the memories of swollen, beaten skin, dried blood and teeth biting into plush lips to hold back a sob.

“Thirdly you have no right to tell him who to hang out with or who to love. This is none of your business am I clear? He is not your pet and you can’t expect to be able to have anything you want because you would like to. You have to learn to accept someone rejecting you no matter how much it hurts and you have learn to accept your barriers in human interactions.

What you did was the behavior of a monster, not of young, educated man.”

The words came through gritted teeth, physical evidence of how much Louis had to hold back not to do anything else, not to slap him again, not to lash out completely. George was still watching him, body unnaturally tense under his hands, calculating his next words carefully.

“You’re the most hypocritical person I’ve ever seen.”

His eyes were filled with a different kind of emotion now, more open, more vulnerable than Louis had ever seen them, the familiar blue swallowed by a strong, never-forgotten pain he hadn’t been able to get over completely despite all of his efforts.

“Did you act according to your own rules when you took away the first person I fell in love with to make her your own girlfriend? Did you care about me then? Did you ever care about anyone’s feelings all the countless times you went home with random girls only to leave them the next morning? Do you really believe you’ll treat Harry better, that he won’t be less hurt when you turn him down for the next gorgeous boy you meet?”  
Louis jaw clenched in a new rush of anger, his fingers so tight now that he was sure they would leave bruises.

“Don’t act like you know me. You spent the last years not trying to ignore me so you have no right to tell me what I will or won’t do. It’s not my fault that Leila fell in love with me. Did you expect me to force her into a relationship with you? Did you want me to tell her that I wouldn’t agree to be her boyfriend because my brother wanted her? I understand that it must have hurt you a lot to see the girl you loved being happy with me, but this conversation isn’t about me, this is about Harry! You have no right to punish him for the mistakes I have made in the past. I’m sorry that things with Leila didn’t work out and I’m sorry that it seemed like I stole you from her, but it was her decision nonetheless, a decision that has got absolutely nothing to do with the relationship we’re talking about now.”  
“Relationship?”, George laugh was bitter, his gaze still full of hurt when it came to meet Louis’, “last time I checked you were far from together. He didn’t even want to see you.”  
“I’m telling you one last time: Stay away from my boyfriend.”

“Since when is he your boyfriend?”

“That’s none of your business.”  
“And it’s none of your business what I do with him either! You don’t own him!”

“I never claimed to own him. He trusted me with his emotions so I’m not going to let you destroy that, too. I can’t change the fact that I was too stupid to see what you did before even though I saw the aftermath of it, but I’m going to make sure something like that never happens again. You have to respect the fact that I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else, I got lucky enough for him to love me back and we are in a committed relationship.”  
“What are you going to do if I don’t? Tie me to those bars until I starve? Lock me up in my room?”

“You’re being disowned from your part of your company until you start behaving the way a young man with your responsibility should and showing actual interest in becoming a decent human being as well as educating yourself to face the tasks you will have to deal with as a hotel manager under my leadership one day. Part of your heritage will be used to pay an certain sum to Harry even though this is ridiculous compared to what you actually deserve and if you ever come near him again I will personally make sure that you’ll never think about even looking at him after that.

Your interactions with him are ended. Irrevocably. Forever. If you want to hurt someone, hurt me. I deserve it.”

George’s mouth went slack for a moment before he regained his mask of cold indifference.  
“You can’t just disown me.”

Louis turned around from where he had already been on his way towards the kitchen before he lost all control over himself, his eyes a dangerous, dark blue.

“I can. I’m the heir now, remember? You have always told me mocked me that I shouldn’t be so insecure, start making my own decisions and be stronger. Now I am.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Harry and Louis get their own merry little Christmas...I don't know about you but it's cold enough in Germany for me to enjoy writing this a lot so I hope you do, too!

_Taking it to the next level?_

_The last weeks have been interesting to say the least for all the girls who hope to get a chance with London’s hottest celebrity bachelor Louis Tomlinson. After discovering his taste for hot boys with an unfairly gorgeous prostitute on his birthday and a night out with the talented London singer Jessie Leighton we saw him on a Christmas market on the outskirts of town with another beautiful boy. We suspected it to be the gorgeous catch me managed to make on his birthday, but we couldn’t confirm it._

_Now he was spotted again, this time in Holmes Chapel, fetching the same boy from a bakery in his car. We were lucky enough to get a few blurry pictures of his face without one of them noticing so we can confirm that it’s indeed the boy he hooked up with before and who most likely was the one he took to the Christmas market, too._

_Our sources tell us that they spend the night in the car together before heading back to London in the morning. We were even told by people who saw him that Louis got up first to get breakfast for his boy still sleeping in the car._

_We don’t know about you but this sounds a lot more substantial than all the other stories we’ve heard from Louis, who isn’t exactly known to be bound down easily and certainly not to follow his dates out to a small town hours away from London just to spend time with them. Sorry to all the girls out there, but it seems like our boy has been tamed – and it should be hard to compete with this beautiful young man who apparently managed to do so._

_We hope to learn his name soon if their relationship is as serious as we thing, but no matter if this story continues or not, we certainly enjoy the visual of those two beautiful boys together for the time being!_

The house looked exactly like Louis remembered it: The white, elegant window frames scratched by invisible fingers, the meadow in front of it covered by a thick layer of fresh snow now, the fence with the same holes in it the dogs had escaped through more than a few times when he had been here as a child, even the metal sign with “Welcome Home” written on it in curved letters was still in place on the door where his mother had put it on one of their first visits. His uncle had bought the estate outside of London two years before his birth, but with the schedule of his job he had never actually gotten to live there so his family had used it as their summer residence as soon as Louis and his siblings had been old enough to walk.

The decision to spend Christmas here had felt like a huge relief, another step in the direction he had been moving into ever since he had given into Harry’s kiss on his birthday. Just a few weeks ago he wouldn’t even have considered doing something like that, leaving his family to be alone on such an important day, because had been entirely focused on meeting other people’s expectations about how he should be behaving to notice his own needs.

He had known that there was no way he would be able to play his part in the Christmas celebrations with his family for two days as he had done it so many years after he had heard what his brother had done so it had only seemed natural to go back to this place that still seemed to hold the innocence of his childhood as well as the thrilling promise of adventure he would always associate with the area with the person he really wanted to spend this day with even if it was just a temporary escape from reality he would have to deal with at some point in the near future.

All of that was easy to forget when every room was filled with memories of hot summer days spent laying lazily on a blanket in one of the precious shadowy spots under the strong trees, sneaking out late at night for quick kisses behind the little shack in the back of the garden, fresh strawberries plucked from the bushes and self-made lemonade and he had a gorgeous boy to share it with.

He was still surprised that Harry had agreed to come with him when he had shown up at his apartment door with the key to his car packed with two overnight bags for both of them in his hand and a breathless “Leave with me.”, but he wouldn’t question it if it meant he got to have him to join this trip that had seemed like absolute madness to everyone around him.

“It’s gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous.”  
Louis couldn’t help the giddy grin forming on his lips as he watched Harry take in the house they would have for themselves for the next two days from where they were standing in the hallway before he turned around to face him again.

This close up his eyes where shining like droplets of green gold in the dim light of the afternoon, his hair tucked into a green beanie, cheeks flushed from the cold outside and the white of his teeth competing with the traces of snow on the sleeves of his coat as he smiled at him and Louis was sure that he had never seen something more beautiful, more perfect than this gorgeous boy in front of him. Harry’s finger traced a soft line over his cheek before he leaned in to kiss him, slowly almost hesitantly as if he was trying to transmit silent words with the movement of his lips, express what he felt in the way he pulled him closer in an attempt to meld them into one person, one beating heart. When the kiss came to an end his eyes remained closed, cold, red lips parted in a kind of breathlessness only Louis was able to bring him into.

“Thank you for allowing me to come here.”

Louis softly pressed his forehead against Harry’s shoulder, hands resting on the sharp outline of Harry’s hips.

“Why do you thank me? Thank you for coming. I still don’t understand how I got so lucky.”  
“What else should I have done? I belong with you now, don’t I?”  
Even if he couldn’t see his face there was a complete sureness about his words making them sound almost offended at the fact that Louis was even able to doubt what he had said, doubt that this was natural, that they were meant to stay like this, entwined, sharing whatever they were experiencing with each other on a level no one else would be able to understand.

Louis held on tighter, because he was sure he would burst at the seams with all the emotions running through is body in an overwhelming rush if he met those eyes, say things he wasn’t supposed to say this early in their relationship or make promises he wouldn’t be able to keep.

“With Zayn. He must hate me now for stealing you.”, he finally managed, the words shaking on his tongue as much as he was inside. Harry made a snorting sound where his lips had moved to place a kiss into Louis’ hair.

“He’ll manage. This isn’t our first Christmas apart and I’m pretty sure he is going to enjoy the days off without me. Plus I’m pretty sure there is a girl on our floor who will be happy to take care of him while I’m here. She’s had the hots for him for months now.”  
Louis pulled his head away from Harry’s shoulder, one eyebrow raised in amusement.

“So you are trying to play matchmaker for your flatmate? That’s all there is to this? I must say I’m offended, Harold! Even though your selflessness is remarkable of course I thought you’d be here for me not for Zayn’s love life. I think I’m heartbroken.”  
“Shut up.”, Harry whispered with a dimpled grin, effectively silencing Louis with another kiss, “you know I’m here for you.”

“That’s good because I’m definitely here for you, too.”  
“Did your parents say something? Don’t you have to be with them, too instead of doing this with me?”  
Louis laughed, bitter this time.

“I’m twenty two, Harry, I think I can make decisions of my own, but if it helps: I’m sure they’ll manage as well. It’s not like they would pay much attention to me or my siblings anyway on their endless search for the best Christmas party.”  
Harry hugged him again just as tight, his chin resting in the nape of Louis’ neck even though he was closer, taking in his scent that was so much more intoxicating than anything he had ever experienced before with hot, slow breaths against the exposed skin, his eyes closed. Louis closed his eyes, too, trying to remember the exact way it felt, the complete safeness, the sensation of being earthed, arms wrapped around Harry’s slim middle soft in the sweater he was wearing, the way Harry stayed completely motionless in his arms, not letting him go, but too afraid to destroy the magic of it if he moved.

“Thank you for choosing me, I already love this house so much.”  
“Just the house?”

Louis could feel the smile against his neck while Harry tried to get him closer, almost crushing him with how tight he was hugging.

“You never learn, do you? You’re the best thing here of course. You’ll always be the best thing for me, no matter where we are and no matter what happens from here.”

“You know that you’ll have to work hard to regain my affection now, do you?”

Harry pulled away, a teasing smirk on his lips.

“I don’t think that should be a problem.”  
“You are far too sure of yourself, you know that? How about you show me some of your cooking skills instead of trying to seduce me? I can’t let your work at the bakery be for nothing.”

“I’d love to do that. How about you get the table ready for us in the meantime?”

“Sounds perfect.”

Harry immediately took over the spacious kitchen in the back of the house after that with one last kiss while he busied himself with the fire place in the living room. It probably should have shocked him how easy this was even though they had only known each other for such a short period of time, how perfectly Harry already seemed to fit in here without even trying and how it seemed almost natural to imagine them doing this in the future, Harry cooking, him taking care of the house, but it wasn’t. The sound of Harry humming a random Christmas song in the kitchen, the soft crackle of the forming flames warming up his face, all those touches between them like they couldn’t help it, even just Harry’s presence made this house he had spent so many summers in feel like more of a home than his own ever had.

He had become his home.

Louis gave the flames one last look to make sure they were burning up properly before he headed into the kitchen for the dishes to set the table with. Harry didn’t notice him at first, completely caught up in what looked like a delicious creation of vegetables with baked cheese until he felt Louis arms wrap around him from behind, standing on his tip toes to be able to examine their dinner properly.

“This smells amazing.”

He could see Harry’s dimple appear on the side of his cheek, bottom lip drawn between his teeth to keep from grinning to broadly.  
“Missed me so much?”  
Louis laughed, letting go with a quick peck on his cheek.

“No, actually I was just going to get dishes. I have to fulfill my part of the deal, too right?”

“Very good idea, dinner’s almost ready. I’ll join you soon.”  
“I definitely like the sound of that.”  
“Do I at least get a kiss before you leave for being such a great cook?”  
Normally he would have teased any person he wasn’t as hopelessly in love with for this attempt to flirt with him, but he couldn’t seem to stop kissing Harry himself so he was only too happy to oblige, careful not to drop the dishes in the process.

They decided to eat on the couch, the old record player in the back filling the room with familiar melodies they both had spent their childhood with every year on this day and a few candles lit on the table beside them to create the right mood for the evening.

It was the first calm, quiet Christmas Eve Louis since he could remember celebrating it with his family. There had always been rooms to decorate, meals to supervise, invitation cards to send out, dresses to pick, a constant stream of buzzing activity that had made it impossible to even sit down to breathe for a few moments. As long as he had been young it had been quite funny, because he had always gotten bored quickly, searching for new adventures or new interesting things to catch his attention so he had enjoyed the constant flow of people, the parties and of course the presents, but as he grew older he had felt an strong urge to escape it, just sit back in silence, think, take in the atmosphere of this night that was surrounded by a special magic far beyond human comprehension.

Louis had always thought that only children could really sense it, this spark, the awe of a miracle so big that it must seem strange to someone who didn’t believe in it, the air tense with a kind of inexplicable, happy excitement and that it died somewhere along duties, long nights at offices and broken relationships, but on that night with this beautiful boy on the other side of the couch occasionally stealing admiring glazes at him over his plate as if he was the only thing that mattered in that moment he was sure he could feel it, too, maybe even more than he had when he was younger.

Harry hadn’t lied about his cooking skills, because whatever it was he had managed to mix together from the things Louis had randomly thrown into a cool box to take here tasted absolutely delicious.

“Seriously you should probably make this your profession, open up a restaurant or something!”

“Stop it, I’m not that good!”

Harry tried to seem annoyed, but his grin betrayed him, practically glowing under his gaze in way he was pretty sure he would never get used to.

“Not that good? Have you eaten the same thing? Come one, try this and you’ll praise yourself just as much as I’m doing right now trust me.”  
Louis picked a bit from his plate to give it to Harry, which he gladly took, not teasing this time, just chewing carefully as if he was evaluating whether or not he should agree.

“‘S not that that bad I suppose.”

“Glad I could convince you.”

Harry smiled, his eyes sparkling in the warm light of the candles and Louis almost lost his breath again when he realized how effortlessly beautiful he was even while wearing this ridiculous Christmas jumper with a white cartoon dear on it, sleeves a little too long where they reached past his wrist, his legs awkwardly sprawled over his lap in a way that made the couch look like it was too small to take him in entirely and feet consumed by a pair of red puffy house shoes Louis had only seen his sister wear here once.

In that moment he knew that he would do absolutely everything to convince him to stay, no matter how much it would cost him, no matter how much it would hurt him, it wouldn’t even matter if he would have to swallow his jealousy at those marks left by other people on Harry’s body for the rest of his life if it meant that he could be in his presence.

It was cheesy, hopelessly romantic and incredibly cliché, but this seemed to be the effect this stupidly gorgeous, dorky, wonderful boy has had on him since the day they met.

“Was it good enough for you to do the washing up?”  
Louis laughed, lightly showing Harry in the shoulder just to see the way his eyes crinkled as he flinched back.

“I knew you would use me like that. I’m never complimenting you again.”

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t help!”  
“You better do or you’re sleeping on the floor tonight.”  
Harry smirked while he took the plate out of Louis hand to place t on the small table beside them along with his own dishes before he grabbed his wrists to gently pull him over so he was straddling him on his side of the couch.

“But that would be such a waste don’t you think?”  
Louis stared at him for a few moments in consideration, his eyes briefly flickering down to his mouth before his lips curled up in a smirk of his own.

“Now that you mention it. Yes it would, definitely. Such a shame that you’re too gorgeous to even be angry with.”

“Can’t say I’m sorry.”  
Harry still smiled, but his eyes were so intense at the same time that it made Louis forget the sassy reply he had been planning to give as his eyes wandered down to the sinful red bow of Harry’s lips again.

“Lou please. Just do it.”  
“Do what?”

Louis’ voice wasn’t much more than a deep mumble, eyes still fixed on Harry’s lips.  
“Kiss me.”

So he did, slow and soft, trying to make him feel his thankfulness, his adoration, make him see how beautiful he had been with this sparkling look in his eyes moments before when he had smiled at him. They kissed until they were both breathless, their lips just lazily brushing against each other, too addicted to the intoxicating feeling of being drunk of each other to let go even then.

“We should really clean up before we continue this or we’ll never do it.”, Harry smiled, his hand wandering down to the small of Louis’ back, “and that wouldn’t be nice in the morning.”  
“You are honestly thinking about washing up now? Am I this bad at kissing?”  
“Not at all. You’re the best actually and I know what I’m talking about.”

Louis smirked, brushing his nose against Harry’s cheekbone to hide his forming smile.

“Good answer. I think you earned your spot in my bed back at least for tonight.”  
“Perfect. I’ll be good, I promise.”  
“You’re trying to seduce me again.”

“It’s not like it didn’t work before, is it?”  
“I’m afraid you are right.”  
Harry actually light up at that and Louis was so, so gone for this boy it was ridiculous.

“Glad to hear that.”

With another kiss to Louis’ forehead he sat up, already collecting the dishes to wash them up, because of course he would do it for him even if he didn’t help like the angel he was when Louis held him back by his hand, opening his legs a little so Harry could lean onto the couch between them.

“I’ve got one thing I’ve wanted to give you since we came here and I think I should do it now before we start to do something else. I know it isn’t Christmas yet, but it already belonged to you so technically it isn’t a present.”

He stopped to look at Harry who had his eyes fixed on him with this gaze that Louis was pretty sure would always make his heart beat faster no matter how long they would be together, so focused that it made everyone lucky enough to experience it feel special, wanted, precious in a way that was almost addictive.

“You don’t have to take it, I just thought you…you’d like to have it back.”  
Louis thought he could see a flicker of understanding in the green of Harry’s eyes just before his lips wandered up into the ghost of a smile waiting for him to continue. This was all the encouragement he needed to reach behind his neck and unclasp the second necklace there he had bought for the present, the silver paper plane already hanging on it, even though his fingers still trembled when Harry bend down a little so he could fasten the breech for him.

He didn’t move after that, one hand placed on Louis’ thigh, the other one gently brushing a bit of hair from Louis’ forehead.

“’ll be proud to wear it again.”

Harry was still smiling when he leaned down for a chaste kiss as a thank you.

“Let’s get the dishes ready before we get even more sappy.”, Louis sighed after that, but the grin in his voice completely contradicted his words. They spent the rest of the evening cuddled up under a thick blanket on the couch, snow still falling outside with gentle taps on the window, watching a rerun of old Christmas movies while they drank the tea they had found in one of the cupboards. It was completely peaceful and Louis desperately wished they could just stay here in this moment of perfect happiness, be like this forever without having to worry about anything else than their heartbeats next to each other, their bodies close together united in slow breaths. Harry’s head had fallen onto his shoulder, eyes drifting close in sleepy contentment as Louis ran his fingers through his hair.

“Do you want to go to bed?”  
He only got a soft hum as a response, Harry’s body shifting so he could sit up on the couch.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m so tired. I thought I’d slept enough the past days.”

“I’m tired, too so don’t be. We have plenty of time tomorrow, too. And now I’ll finally get to show you the best room of the house.”, Louis said with a wink.

The last time Louis had slept in the little bed room next to the veranda of the house had been with Leila when she had joined them for their obligatory summer vacation here and it felt like the whole room had changed just as much as he had. There were clearly visible cracks in the wood just like there were cracks inside of him and on his skin, marks of the process of maturing, becoming the person he wanted to become, finding what he was looking for. Back then he hadn’t known what it was or how his future would lock like when he returned the next time, but now he felt like he began to understand.

The last summer here it had been a new experience, a thrilling risk to let someone sleep in this old bed with him, this time with Harry at his side it was like coming home. They found their place naturally, Harry pressing his body up behind him, cold toes brushing over Louis’ calves as their legs intertwined. It was one day before Christmas but when Harry felt Louis chest rise softly in his sleep as he pulled his arms around him, lips pressed to his shoulder he knew he’d already gotten his present.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Zayn finally gets a move on as well...

Reality found them again the next day.

The sun had barely risen enough above the grey winder sky to illuminate the room when Harry woke up, his nose still buried in Louis’ hair, legs intertwined under the thick blanket. He smiled with closed eyes when the memories of where he was slowly came flooding back into his consciousness while he shuffled even closer, trying to hold onto the last remnants of sleep and the warmth radiating from the body where they were pressed together. Louis made a soft little noise in his dreams, instinctively leaning back into Harry’s touch before he was silent again. It was almost too nice, too comfortable to even think about moving or getting out of bed, but he felt like he should at least try to do something for the boy sleeping peacefully in his arms after all he had given him in the last weeks.

A proper Christmas morning breakfast would probably be good start. Careful not to wake Louis he got up, the floor cold under his bare feet as he made his way out of the room in the direction of the kitchen. The snow hadn’t stopped falling the entire night, softening the edges of the world outside and covering it in a thick layer of glistening white. There were still a few snowflakes dancing down their way to the ground in front of the windows, lazy like tiny feathers floating in the air. As a child it had been some kind of ritual for him to go outside on the day the first snow fell long before the rest of the house woke up, still in his pyjamas to feel the cold under his fingers, feel the sting of the cold air on his exposed skin, breathe in the unique freshness of the beginning winter day so he decided to do revive it here, wake himself up a bit more before he made them tea.

The door was closed for the night, but Louis had left the key on the ledge for him to use whenever he wanted. It was much warmer than he expected with the sun already out this early holding the promise of a beautiful Christmas Day and Harry simply closed his eyes for a while, toes curled against the icy surface underneath them, arms stretched out with a lazy smile, just breathing, enjoying the giddy feeling he couldn’t seem to stop since he had gotten there, the awe he felt at being lucky enough to experience something as perfect as this was right now. He could feel it a second before his eyes fluttered open at the sudden flash, a series of distracting lights from the direction their car was parked in the yard in front of the house.

It was so fast, so unexpected that it took Harry a moment to process what was happening and what it meant while he stood there completely frozen from the surprise of it. The paparazzi must have found them even here in the country outside of London, probably drawn to the house by the sight of Louis’ car outside.

Just before the next series of flashes went off Harry managed to hide his face behind a drawn-up arm until he had closed the door behind him again, leaning against it with heavy breaths. The adrenaline was still rushing through his body with frantic heartbeats in what must have been the panicked feeling of an animal trapped by their hunters, only slowly calming down to its normal pace again. Suddenly the safe layer surrounding them seemed to have been ripped away with unexpected force, leaving them completely exposed.

It had been easy to forget everything else while they were here, kissing, cuddling, pretending there was nowhere else they needed to be than in this house, in each other’s presence without acknowledging how fragile it all was.

No matter how much Louis told him he didn’t mind he knew that this photo would affect him even more than any of the others now that they had seen his face, knew who he was. There would be rumors, talking, pitiful looks and raised eyebrows, all of these things he knew firsthand how much they could affect you, how hurtful they could be. Having this profession had always meant to be treated like some kind of disease, something dirty and yet addictive you could only appreciate in the secrecy of the apartment building far away from others who would judge or see. Louis hadn’t done this, he had been the first one who didn’t care about being seen with a person like him, about the talk that came with it, but that didn’t mean other people would be just as accepting.

Harry felt frustrated tears brimming up in his eyes, partly at himself for being stupid enough to ruin this while he had the chance to make it last and partly because he knew that they had both been lying at each other for the whole time when they acted like it was easy.  
This had been a reminder that it wasn’t, at least not for everyone around them and that no one would understand if they were seen together again, much less if they found out about their relationship. This wasn’t his world even though Louis felt so much like it.

The cooking helped to distract him a little while he focused on the practiced movements of his hands, the smell filling up the room, the sound the eggs made as they fizzled in the pan until he heard soft, sleepy footsteps on floor tiles of the corridor leading towards the kitchen.

Harry could feel Louis before he saw him, the radiating warmth, the soft smell of sleep, shampoo and clean sheets, two arms wrapped around him from behind, a chin resting on his shoulder.

“This smells so good. Someday I’ll convince you of my restaurant idea.”  
Harry smiled, something he couldn’t seem to control around Louis no matter how much he might want while he turned around to face him, placing his hands on his hips for a quick kiss.

“Good morning to you, too.”

Maybe it was in the way his voice sounded as he said it, the way his touch was a little more hesitant, a little lighter than usual, the way his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes that made Louis realize there was something wrong. His eyebrows furrowed for a moment, taking in his face more closely as if he was trying to figure it out on his own before he even asked the inevitable question.

“Everything alright?”  
Harry’s first instinct was to say yes to get away from the inevitable questions, but he knew he wouldn’t be convincing. He had never been able to lie, not even if it seemed a totally necessary and good thing to do considering the circumstances so instead of answering he turned around, placing the eggs on their plates before they burned to gain a little time to think about how he would tell him what had happened. Harry could practically feel the impatient, buzzing energy radiating from Louis body still pressed against his where he stood beside him at the counter waiting for him to say something. His eyes were tired when he finally could bring himself to look at Louis again, a silent apology written clearly in their soft green.

“A paparazzi was here. He saw me when I went out for a moment and took a few pictures before I could react and go inside.

He stopped there to study Louis’ reaction, take in the light fingers still resting on his forearm, biting his lip to keep from crying at the tender gesture he didn’t feel he deserved.

“I’m sorry something like that happened. I should have known to be more careful.”

Louis leaned forward, his nose brushing against Harry’s.

“Don’t do that, please. Never. I don’t care if they see us, but it hurts that I couldn’t protect you from them this time. I’ll do a better job of it in the future, I promise you that. I won’t let them harm you in any way.”  
“You don’t have to protect me, you have to protect yourself. You are the one they are going to write about, the one with a reputation to lose. I’m just the normal boy with no dignity left.”  
“I don’t care what they write. They don’t know us, about the persons we are or what we are going through so what they write isn’t going to affect me as long as I know that I have the most beautiful human being to love me even if I don’t deserve it.”  
“You will still get bad talk from this. They might not know about you, but they know who I am: A whore being paid to be taken home every night and they are right, Louis. I am exactly what they say you are no matter how easy it is to overlook now that we are alone. Maybe you just haven’t realized it yet.”

Harry’s eyes were shining with tears again now despite the fact that he was clearly trying to remain strong in this situation. Louis bit his lip while he reached up to cup Harry’s cheeks with both of his hands, eyes fixed on him completely earnest and serious.  
“You are so wrong, so absolutely wrong. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me and nothing you could do is going to change that. Your job wasn’t your decision and nothing to be ashamed of, don’t you understand that? I know I’ve already told you this, but you are more worthy of respect, more precious, more beautiful inside and out that all those people walking around in church robes or suits thinking they’re something better because of their reputation.”  
“You’re too nice to me.”  
“I’m not and I will tell you how perfect you are for the rest of our lives if you let me.”

Harry smiled, a little loop-sided, but more genuine this time.

“I love you so much you don’t even know.”  
“I love you more.”  
“Not possible.”  
Louis chuckled, a teasing, warm breath ghosting over Harry’s lips before he pulled back to be able to look at him properly.

“Now that we’ve discussed that it’s time for breakfast before your amazing cooking gets cold, isn’t it? I won’t let this guy ruin our Christmas together. We’ll have to go back to everyday life soon enough and we’re going to enjoy this no matter what happens.”  
The mood notably relaxed after that, Harry’s smile finally turning into a genuine happy one Louis had missed so much even though it hadn’t been gone for long. They stayed in the kitchen this time, feeding each other bites of their eggs even though they were the same and brushing their legs together under the tale. It was so sweet, so intimate that the presents were almost forgotten in their bags in the rush of brushing fingers, loved-up giggles and talented lips.

“I think we’re never going to find them.”, Louis laughed between kisses as they almost fell over in their attempt to get to their bags without separating, “what a sad Christmas.”  
“It’s not my fault that you look so kissable.”  
“Just shut up.”  
“Make me.”

When they finally sat down on the couch with their packages they were both still grinning, lips red from kissing, cheeks flushed and hands finding each other naturally between them. It was perfect, better than any present could be.

“Alright then I’ll start. It isn’t much, but I hope you like it.”  
Harry reached out to for the little, red package he had brought with him, his gaze almost shy while he handed it to Louis as if he was afraid that it wouldn’t be enough, that he would be disappointed. Louis wanted to tell him how stupid this was, that he would never be anything but incredibly happy as long as he had him, but he just gave him a quick kiss on the forehead instead hoping it would transmit the same message.

“I’m sure I’ll love it.”  
There was a CD inside, the track list carefully written on a self-made cover in Harry’s curvy handwriting behind the plastic of the box full of songs they both had listened to during their time together, some in clubs, some late at night on the radio in Louis’ kitchen, some from the old records Harry had discovered in the glove box of his car. He had remembered them all, every single one.

“This is perfect. Thank you, thank you so much.”

Louis leaned over, peppering Harry’s lips with gentle, quick pecks in between whispered:  
“Thank you”’s until he could feel him smile underneath his hands on his cheeks. He was still smiling when his eyes opened again, a bright, warm green.

“It wasn’t that good!”

“It definitely was! The best present I ever got. But now it’s your turn.”

Louis bit his cheek when he saw Harry looking at the table expectantly only to find it empty except for a little white note.

“As you can see I don’t have a real package, because part of what I want to give you is a little too big to put into one. I have thought about this for a while actually, ever since you told me about your family’s story in Holmes Chapel to be exact.”  
He looked up, the grin at the thought of how Harry would react already beginning to form.

“I can’t bring back the one you lost, the one that probably means more to you than this ever will, but if what I’m offering you now is helping to make it a little better I’ll be incredibly happy. My uncle has thought about making this house some kind of Bed and Breakfast place for almost three years now and he never found a person with enough time to do it just like he did with all those hotels for my father in London. It’s far out of the city and none of those men in suits he knew were willing to even think about starting something here. He asked me to look for someone who would be good enough to fulfill this job months ago so if you let me I’d be honored to give you this special place I’ll always associate with the best Christmas ever had with the most important person in my life to make it something special.”  
Louis could practically see the realization of what he had just said hitting Harry in the way his brow furrowed for a few seconds before his eyes widened in disbelief, mouth parted around an inaudible oh.  
“You’re giving me a house?”  
“You told me how much you missed your old one in Holmes Chapel and I know this isn’t enough to replace it especially since it’s practically nothing more than a job, but it would be a good opportunity if you wanted to start something new so I thought…”  
Louis didn’t get to finish his sentence when Harry practically jumped onto him, pushing him back on the sofa in the process with the force of it before his lips were on his in a desperate kiss, his fingers brushing a silent thank you into his skin as he ran them up to his waist under the fabric of his T-Shirt. If Louis had had any doubts about suggesting this strange idea they vanished when he saw Harry’s beaming smile as they pulled away, foreheads resting against each other.

“Thank you. Thank you so much.”

The second time reality hit the bubble of happiness they had created was when Harry returned to his flat that evening after a car ride full of kisses, stolen touches and laughs. The building was almost empty at that time of the day, most of the boys still out to see their families for Christmas and somehow this made it feel even colder, even less welcoming after the hours with Louis in the estate that seemed like the definition of warmth, softness and comfortability.

The door to their flat was open, but the distinct sound of a hushed conversation coming from the crack that made Harry stop on the doorsteps even though he lived there, too.

A few moments later the gorgeous girl living in the flat across from theirs Harry had caught staring at Zayn every time she saw him came out on the corridor, Zayn following her immediately and leaning on the doorframe while he gently brushed a strand of hair from her forehead.

It was so soft, so intimate that Harry almost felt bad for witnessing this. He had tried to get Zayn to admit his feelings he obviously had for her, too, but he’d never done it and just watching him finally going for it despite all of his fears, despite the circumstances they would have to live their relationship in with other people keeping them from each other every night made Harry have hope for the obstacles he would have to face with Louis, too.

Maybe it wasn’t as bad as he had thought. Maybe a kiss like this, a gentle brush of the other’s fingertip was enough to make it all better when it seemed too much to take.

Maybe all it took was this kind of love to get through it.

The moment Zayn leaned over to kiss the girl he felt strong fingers wrap around his arm from behind, dragging him back through the door to the hallway without any word of explanation until his back hit the wall of another door in the adjacent corridor. The face of his boss was furious, close enough for him to see the angry line of his eyebrows drawn together, teeth gritted in an obvious effort not to hurt him more than he already was.

Harry opened his mouth in a silent scream to try to get the air into his lungs that seemed to have been knocked out of them by the impact, but it didn’t do much. He still felt breathless, like he was drowning in those angry eyes in the most negative way possible, his heart racing desperately, willing him to run, to save himself.

“Where have you been? Did you really think we wouldn’t notice? Did you forget your rules.”  
Fingers still strong on Harry’s wrists he watched as his Adam’s apple moved in his throat with a gulp, something that must have captivated many of their customers as well.

“Tell me. Tell me the rules.”  
The grip on his wrists tightened even more, sure to leave red nail marks on it.

“What is the most important one?”  
Harry didn’t open his eyes, only his mouth moved, voice defeated and breathless.

“Don’t fall in love with one of your clients.”

A harsh slap on his cheek burning his skin, then the pressure on his wrist was gone, the body removed from in front of him in one fluid motion.

“What were you doing with the brother of the person you are paid to please then? Why weren’t you here to be with George?”  
Harry didn’t answer, unable to think of anything that would make sense or would be enough to make this situation better. In this moment the relationship, the special bond with Louis seemed too precious, too unique, too beautiful to share even if it was just with words. It was his, the only thing that had ever been his and he would keep it that way.

Another slap on the other cheek, so hard that Harry’s head hit the wall with the other one.

“I take that as confession of your wrongdoing then. Make sure you fix what you have done. You have two days, not a second more and I expect you to be back at normal, back at work without any stings to bind you. Good luck.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, but Uni started again and my laptop broke on the second day so yeah good times...Anyway this is the last chapter and I hope it didn't turn out too bad in the midst of my lectures. There will be an epiloge with a lot of fluff so stay tuned for that if you want :) Otherwise sit back and enjoy the final show!

_Romantic Christmas for Two_

_Remember how we told you Louis’ relationship with the mysterious boy is something more serious than anything we’ve seen since he split from his highschool sweetheart Leila? This weekend, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day as you might have noticed, brought us impressive proof for that claim: Instead of staying with his family Louis decided to spend the feast of love on a romantic getaway with his boy at the summer estate of his uncle. They reportedly spent the night there together, probably sharing kisses in front of the oven like one of those unfairly perfect movie couples, but things are about to get even better – grab your tissues fellow girls out there - one of our reporters finally managed to get a photo of our mysterious boy on Christmas morning while he was enjoying the sight of the snow outside. We can confirm that he’s the young man from Louis’ birthday party, but that’s not the point, is it? You might use your tissues now, because we don’t know about you, but our jaws literally dropped open at the sight of him on the veranda looking like a male model even in his pyjamas. The blurry photos from last time didn’t prepare us at all for this drop-dead gorgeous angel-like creature of a boy with brown curls, lips to die for, beautiful, big eyes, the long, slim legs we’ve already noticed last time and a body we certainly wouldn’t push off our beds as well. As we’re still speechless, well go with: Congratulations to Louis for such a good catch and thank you for finally sharing your boy with the world (sort of)! And now it’s up to you girls: What do you think of our new hot couple? Who would you chose? Tell us below!_

“This early? Wow you must have it bad, mate!”  
Louis rolled his eyes at Niall from the display table he was standing at, who just grinned in that knowing way he hated so much, lips a smug smile around the drink he was holding.

“Stop acting like you’ve never seen somebody do this before!”

“I’m only telling you the truth! I wouldn’t dare to think of something like that in this stage of my relationship, but this doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad thing, I’m just a little overwhelmed at how fast things are going, that’s all.”  
Niall shrugged, going back to his drink and Louis couldn’t even blame him for thinking like he did. This afternoon out with one of his friends instead of Harry after their weekend together made him realize how difficult it had become to even communicate with other people outside their little personal bubble, because they never seemed to be able to see how serious, how precious, how unique this thing was they shared from the first moment they had met.

For them it looked like nothing more than a normal romantic relationship between two people, a strange and not very long one at that. He probably should have taken Liam with him for this. He would have at least pretended to understand.

“How’s that? It’s not like I’m already adopting kids, right?”  
“Judging by how gone you are for this boy I wouldn’t be surprised at all if you did.”  
Niall’s smile was teasing, but Louis could see that there was genuine fondness behind it.

“And don’t even try to deny it! You just came back from a trip with him yesterday, are going to see him again in three hours and instead of getting drunk with us like you used to or doing something for yourself you’re dragging me here. But I’m not complaining, just so we’re clear. I’m happy for you, I really am. You’ve never been more carefree, more smiley then in the weeks since you met him and I’m proud to be the one to hook you up with him.”, he added with a wink, “He’s a beautiful and amazing boy.”  
“Why don’t you make yourself useful then and help me chose?”

“Of course, show me what you’ve got.”

He leaned over to be able to look at the box Louis was examining, letting out a little laugh at the content inside.

“No, definitely not. This one is far too feminine, not even my girlfriend would wear that.”  
“What about silver then?”

“Boring.”

“Black? Look, here’s a nice one. What do you think?”

“Much better, much more rugged and manly. Take it.”

“Really?”  
Now it was Niall’s turn to roll his eyes.

“Yes, really. It’s gorgeous, not too posh but enough to fulfill its purpose. Seriously, take it. And then we’ll celebrate with Sasha and grab some food.”

Louis huffed out a breath in mock offense at that, the box still in his hands while he shook his head at Niall.

“I expected more of you, really. Can’t you at least pretend to understand how important this is for me? You know me and you know I’m not one to freak out over things like this, but its Harry and before him I never…”  
He never got to complete his sentence when his nose was suddenly buried in Niall’s shoulder as he simply hugged him to cut off his rambling.

“Of course I understand. This would be big for anyone and I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must have been for you so I don’t claim to understand how important this is for you. No one has a right to judge a decision like this, because it has to do with feelings and only you can tell if you’re ready or not. I couldn’t be happier to see you like this, giddy and excited and with the way you look at him I’m sure it’ll last for a long time for both of you.

I know how much you have waited for this and I’m so glad you finally found it.”

When Louis drew away a little to look at Niall he couldn’t help the broad smile on his face.

“That was far sappier than I anticipated but thank you. And now let’s go, we can’t let you girlfriend wait, can we?”

Sasha turned out to be a really lovely girl, just as laid-back and funny as Niall was, exactly the kind of girl Louis had always wished for him to get one day with the ability to make him smile as much as he had made them smile during their time together. He still felt bad for not having experienced their whole story in the way he probably should have as a good friend, but seeing how happy he was made it easier to forget especially when he had the prospect of meeting Harry in a few hours, too.

Louis knew he shouldn’t feel so giddy to see Harry again after not even a full day apart, but he just couldn’t help it. Wherever he was the world seemed brighter, more fun, softer, full off everything he had ever seen as good and it wasn’t his fault that the feeling of being in this special light Harry was for him was so addictive. He had given him the spare key to his flat after the third time he had seen him sitting on the steps of the house before he came back, so he secretly hoped he was already there so they wouldn’t have to rush with eating or whatever else they were doing this evening. He didn’t want to share him again and if he had to then he at least wanted to keep him as long as possible.

What he didn’t expect was that his brother seemed to think the same. When he opened the door he was greeted by the image of George pushing Harry against the opposite wall of the living room visible from the entrance, lips pressed onto his in a rather heated looking kiss the moment Harry’s back hit the cold stone, hands firmly placed on his bicep to keep him from moving.

There was a moment of silence, the frantic rush of his heart the only sound Louis was able to hear, too shocked to even react, but then Harry made a chocked noise with a clearly audible pained edge to it in the back of his throat, rapidly bringing him back to reality and this was enough to get him going. His brother didn’t see him coming over at all, it were Harry’s eyes that opened seconds before he grabbed his George’s arm, dark, with an silent apology written all over them. George had always been a little taller than he was, almost covering Harry as they kissed, but in this moment Louis’ emotions were so strong, so intense, so all-consuming that the force of his first drag away alone almost crashed them both into the next wall, George’s eyes opening for the first time in a mixture of surprise and fear.

His mouth moved in an attempt to say something, to stop him, but the words got lost in a hiss as his back hit the wall with a dull thud.

“What did I tell you the last time we talked? What did I forbid you to do?”

“You don’t have any right to tell me anything. I’m not your son or your employee.”  
Louis shoved him into the wall again, his knuckles turning white as he cramped his fingers in the fabric of his shirt to keep from doing something even more brutal he would regret later in the rush of his fury.

“I have, because this gorgeous human being is my boyfriend and you are not allowed to violate our relationship by touching him not to mention the other things you have done. I’m not going to hit you, I’m not lowering myself to your level, but if I see you even looking in his direction one more time I swear that I’ll personally kill you.

I don’t care how much the public loves you or how much our sister and our parents love you, because I have seen who you really are. You are disgusting, immature, every word I can think of and you’re shouldn’t even be breathing the same air as this angel of a boy.”

“Louis don’t, it’s not worth it.”

Harry’s voice was nothing more than a raspy whisper behind them, a soft hand on Louis shoulder that made his fingers go weak for a second in some kind of automatic reaction to his touch.

“I’m not worth it.”  
Somehow those words changed him completely. It didn’t matter that George was still pushed against a wall, it didn’t matter that they were in the middle of the hallway or that he had every reason to continue what he had done, everything that seemed important now was to show this wonderful human being that what he said wasn’t true and that he had been the only one who had ever been worth anything.

Letting go of George without even giving him one last look he turned around to pull Harry into a tight, warm hug, just breathing in for a few moments, letting himself be soothed by the comforting smell of his hair, his skin, the warmth of his body soaking his own on every inch they touched. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many compliments he wanted to make crowding his lips, so many words to tell him how beautiful, how brave he had been the whole time, but they all didn’t seem enough, too shallow to be spoken out loud.

They found another way to speak eventually, a soft you’re my angel on Harry’s forehead, a I love you so much on the tip of his nose, a you’re the bravest boy I’ve ever met on his eyelids, a I want you, I always will on his upper lip. Harry buried his face into his neck after that, eyes still closed, the words he said now muffled against the skin there, sounding incredibly tired, resigned.

“This won’t change anything, Louis. I’m not good enough for you. This isn’t worth tearing your family apart. Nothing is more important than a family bond, not even a person you love with all your heart. There is never a guarantee that they won’t leave.”  
“I know you won’t and I’ve already told you that I don’t care about my family or anything else as long as you are going to put up with me. I can make my own decisions and I’ll be able to deal with their consequences, don’t worry about that. Don’t worry about me.”

Harry abruptly pulled away at those words as if they had physically burned him, his eyes suddenly filled with a silent anger Louis had never seen directed at him before, burning and determined.

“Do I have to show you? Do you want to see how much of a lie you’re telling yourself?”  
With one smooth movement Harry’s shirt was on the floor, leaving nothing to hide the red marks, the bruises, the scars like a dark map on the pale porcelain-colored skin of his chest.

“This is what I am, Louis. It’s not going to get better. I’m not the person that’s worthy leaving anything for, much less something as important as your family. I can’t promise I’ll always be there, because I have no control over what I do, don’t you see that? I can’t even promise you to be faithful, because I’m not allowed to. Stop being so selfless, stop telling you this is something you can change, because you can’t. You deserve someone much better than me. George isn’t the only one and maybe he did a good thing for both of us.

I can’t pretend to like being with them as long as I know you’ll be waiting for me at the end of the day. Maybe I’ll be able to do it again if you aren’t.”

Louis didn’t respond, not trusting his voice, just slowly picked up the shirt from the floor before he walked up to Harry, who tried to back away with every step he took closer, but didn’t succeed, drawn to Louis’ touch like by some kind of magnetic force he couldn’t control even if he desperately wanted to. Instead of moving away he just watched, his gaze still dark with all the emotions flowing through him, as Louis gently pulled the shirt over his head again, eyes not leaving his even then, carefully smoothing it afterwards like a proud mother would to for her son before he went to the prom.

“Don’t ever say something like that again. I love you, every single aspect of you and I would never ask you to change in any kind of way ever.”  
Harry closed his eyes, giving up his resistance as he leaned into Louis’ touch, immediately wrapped up by two gentle, comforting arms.

“This still isn’t worth it, Lou.”

“He is right.”  
They turned their heads almost at the same time, hands not leaving the skin they touched even then to see two sets of eyes fixed onto them, both in the same dark blue Louis’ had, but much harder, much more judgmental.

“So that’s him then? The boy you humiliated and disgraced your brother for?”  
Louis arms instinctively pulled Harry closer, holding him firmly like a treasure he would never let go. He saw his father’s eyes flicker down to catch the movement, his lips quirking up in something that looked a lot like disgust.

“Is that how you treat your family? Is that how you show your thankfulness for the privileged life we enabled you to live?”  
“I didn’t disgrace my brother. You don’t even know what he did, much less what a disgusting, terrible human being he is when he thinks you’re not watching. He treated this boy like dirt, hit him, abused him, practically raped him for weeks and now you’re telling me I’m being disrespectful and disgraceful? Is that the best you can do? “

Harry tried to get out of his embrace a little, his grip becoming tighter on his arm in an unspoken beg to stop this this, not to fight anymore, but Louis just kept him close, because it seemed the only right thing to do, the only thing holding him together now.

“If being a part of this family means to tolerate this, tolerate that he treats another human being like it’s nothing more than a toy even though he is the most beautiful, most loveable thing I’ve ever had the luck of meeting then I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. I’m done with lying and I’m done with pretending to be someone I’m not.

I have been too afraid of the consequences to object when you told me to break up with Leila, but this time I won’t let the love of my life slip away just because the people around me can’t deal with it. This time I’ll fight and even if I lose everything I know that I’ll win.

He is my win, a far bigger one than all the money, all the hotels, all the love from the public could ever be.”  
His father watched him for a few moments, his expression unreadable while he tried to figure out if he was serious, his mouth twitching a few times in a search for the right thing to respond, the right speech to give that would convince him otherwise, but in the end all that was voiced out loud was a simple question.

“So you’re officially with him now?”

Louis took Harry’s hand where it was laying on his chest, softly undoing the cramped fingers and intertwining them with his before he held them up lightly for his father to see.

“Yes, I am. This is Harry, the most beautiful, most amazing person you’ll ever meet and stupid enough to let me be his boyfriend.”

Harry squeezed his hand, not saying anything, simply smiling at him with a look he was sure was mimicked on his own face, a look that told him how thankful he was, how much this meant to him even if he didn’t say it out loud.

In this moment with his father and his brother watching he was sure that Niall had been right earlier in the shop. He had been lucky enough to meet this boy who could light up everything with just a smile like this, who was able to make him lose every coherent train of thought like a teenage girl with a crush, who had managed to tear down every barrier he had carefully built inside him without even trying, who had made him lose and regain his balance at the same time, who had made him lose control in the most positive way possible and who had been the only one to even get him thinking about a future together after such a small time.

It didn’t matter what his father’s answer or the answer of the people around them would be, because he already had his, confirmed with every steady beat of his heart.

He had finally found the kind of love he had been wishing for on his birthday, the strong, forceful, gut-wrenching, but also gentle and soft love that made life worth living, the kind of love that had made him fight and the kind of love that had made him feel proud of himself for the first time, a love that he was sure would stay with him forever, because he knew that no matter how long they would be together or what they would have to go through in the future he would never stop losing his breath every time their eyes met, he would never get used to the fact that he had agreed to be with him and that even with all the people willing to give anything to be with him Harry would always be the only thing he saw.


	22. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have anything left to say than sorry, because this epilogue is absolutely unecessary and exceedingly fluffy, but I really really enjoyed writing the story so a big thank you to every single one of you who read this and\or left comments or kudos. I'm planning a chaptered Uni!Au right now, if you want stay with me for that but even if you don't: You're the best and thank you for everything! And now enjoy the show ;)

Ready?”  
“Yes, that’s the last one.”

“You’re the best do you know that?”  
“Does that mean I get a kiss?”

“Maybe after you’ve showered.”

Harry pouted, which looked far cuter than it should be allowed for a nineteen year old in the middle of a hallway with a huge packing case in his arms.

“That’s not fair I did all the work after all!”

“Only because you’re really adorable right now.”, Louis grinned before he obliged even though he had to go on his tiptoes to be able to kiss him over the packing case. Harry was still smiling afterwards, a smug smirk on his lips.

“I accept that one, but next time I request a better compliment to seduce me. I mean adorable? Seriously? You should think about something more manly like hot or irresistible.”  
“You think much too high of yourself sir.”  
“You didn’t say that last night.”

“Why did I see this coming?”  
“Nice pun.”  
“Oh shut up.”

Harry laughed, giving him a little peck on the nose because he still couldn’t seem to help those little gestures even after almost one year together and he doubted he ever would.

“If you help me make dinner I might think about it.”

“I love you far too much.”  
“That’s good because I definitely love you more.”  
“Alright now get moving or you’ll never be ready before your dinner.”  
“I’d never miss your dinner you know that.”  
“We’ll see.”

Louis could barely hide his smile on the way back to the kitchen from where Harry had gone up the stairs to finish up their work for today with one last wink in his direction. It was surreal to see how much determined work and a little creativity could do to a place in such a short period of time, everything a reminder of them, of a moment they had shared in it.

It weren’t all happy reminders, quite the contrary. They’d had a few serious rough patches at the beginning right after the encounter with Louis’ father when Harry had still refused to get out of his old job without Zayn, whom he still saw as a brother he needed to take care of.

Louis had been irrationally jealous, something he was incredibly embarrassed for in hindsight, and it had ended in a long phone call, angry words that should have never been said and a late-night visit to Harry’s flat two days later when Louis couldn’t take the distance anymore.

Four weeks later Zayn had been accepted at a job in a coffee shop in downtown London he had applied for months ago and along with the little job his girlfriend had to earn a little more for her living they were able to move into a tiny flat a few streets from the apartment building while Harry had moved in with Louis into a new flat in London.

It had been a huge step for both of them, because it meant being in each other’s space even more, getting to know all the bad sides they never experienced when they just saw each other every two days, but they had felt confident enough to take it after all they had already been through together. Niall and Liam had helped them with the logistics, both immediately having adopted Harry as their little brother as well (“They are definitely going to be on your side in every argument. I feel abandoned!”) , even organizing a surprise party to celebrate their new home. It had been perfect and Louis couldn’t have been more grateful to be able to wake up to this gorgeous, amazing human being next to him, green eyes still clouded with tiredness, a lazy smile on his lips and his voice raspy from sleep thinking that he was the luckiest human being on earth. The media attention hadn’t been something that was easy to handle either especially in the first weeks after they had moved in together during which Harry had barely been able to even walk outside the flat without being photographed. They had loved him right away, his beautiful face, his natural charm, his sweet personality and all the other things Louis had been drawn to as well and no matter how much he had told him it was alright it had hurt him to see how Harry had to go through the same things he had practically grown up with unprepared without being able to do anything about it

On their two months anniversary they had gotten a couple tattoo with a line from a song they both loved on their wrists, Louis "they could never…" and Harry the matching "…shut us down" (“You’re a sap Harry, not even movie couples do that.” “You love me for it.” “That’s true sadly.”) On their four months anniversary Harry had taken him to his parent’s grave in Holmes Chapel because he had wanted to show them the boy he had told them about the last time he had been there, show them how beautiful and how perfect he was and Louis had never felt so loved, so proud than in this moment even through all the tears at seeing Harry like this. On that day he had been absolutely sure that his decision he had made in the shop with Niall had been right more than any other he had ever made.

Even his father had started to accept Harry as a member of his family, much slower than his mother, who had practically treated him like a son from the first time they had met and obviously loved him just as much as she loved her own children, but it had felt huge nonetheless. George had gotten a sponsorship for a year at an esteemed university in America, which Louis hoped would help him find the mindset he needed to become the human being he wanted to be after all he had done and his sister had lived through a short but massive crush for Harry despite the fact that she knew they were dating. Louis couldn’t even blame her as he knew firsthand how hard it was not to fall for him.

On their six months anniversary they had stared to renovate his uncle’s old summer estate on weekends to turn it into a typical Bed and Breakfast place just as Louis had promised him on their first stay here, moving old furniture in, painting the walls, which had more often than not resulted in giggly paint-battles with one of them straddling the other one on the floor in the end, made signs and even put up a website to promote it in the area.

Now, after all the work, all the effort they had put into it was finally coming to an end, leaving it colored not only by paint but also by their emotions, filled not only by the furniture but also by a huge part of their selves they had left in it during all the time they had spent to make it the beautiful, inviting place it was now.

He would miss it, the quiet evenings at the fire place, evenings laying in the garden when it got cooler in the summer with a shared beer bottle between them, the summer days they had spent in the garden splashing each other with water like children and covered with stains from the grass on their trousers because they had always ended up kissing.

It almost felt like an era ending, something he would never experience again.

Probably this was why it didn’t feel too cliché to light a few candles on the table next to the couch they had always eaten on when he placed their plates there or to put in the CD Harry had given him for Christmas. He had been carrying around the little box for almost a year now, the whole time they had officially been together, through all of those things that had happened and he knew that if he wouldn’t do it today when everything was so perfect he would never do it at all. Even the setting was ideal with the inviting food, the music and the light, now he just had to wait for the right moment, the moment when it felt natural to do it, because there were no other words to say than the ones on his tongue he had thought through on sleepless nights and all the times Harry hadn’t been there to watch.

“You definitely lied to me when you told me you couldn’t cook! This looks incredible.”  
Louis smiled when he felt the sofa dip under the weight of Harry flopping down beside him with a broad smile, his eyes shining dark in the warm light of the candles, skin tanned from endless afternoons in the sun together and still damp from a quick shower upstairs, hair falling into his eyes where he had failed to put it into some kind of quiff, which somehow made him look even softer, even more beautiful while his legs came to rest in Louis’ lap and the only thing he was able to think was that he had never seen him so gorgeous, so glowing with joy than he was in this moment.

“You even lit candles.”

“Good work, Sherlock.”, Louis grinned, but he couldn’t hide the nervous edge in his voice at the realization that what he had been waiting for was so near, almost touchable in the air, ready to be taken.

“And you put on the CD I gave you for Christmas. You remembered.”

Harry smiled at him with a deep kind of fondness, adoration, love and thankfulness for being able to be here as well as this childish wonder for everything he experienced even if it was something as ordinary as a meal with his boyfriend on a couch so many lost as they grew up and Louis knew that this was the moment he had been waiting for.

“Well there might be a reason for me to do it.”

Louis was sure Harry could hear his heartbeat now if he only listened close enough, almost louder than the words coming out of his mouth, consuming them in its nervous rhythm. Harry’s forehead furrowed for a moment in an attempt to figure out what Louis meant.

“It’s not our anniversary, I wouldn’t have forgotten that. It’s neither my nor your birthday and the…”

Louis put a soft finger on Harry’s lips to silence him with a nervous smirk.

“Just let me talk or I’m positive I’ll chicken out before I even get to the point alright?”

Harry still looked confused, but he obliged, arms crossed in front of his chest while he listened.

“I have been planning this for a while now actually and I know it should be epic, words you will never forget and that will accompany for the rest of your life because you only get to hear them one time, but I don’t think I can, not when you yourself are brighter than anything I could ever think of saying now. I was seventeen when I asked my mum how you knew you found the person you wanted to be with for the rest of your life, how you knew it was the one that was meant for you and her only answer was that you would be calm.

I think she was right even though it sounds strange at first. Love isn’t something that can be said out loud or proven to anyone, love is something that changes you on the inside, that makes you stronger, helps you to be a better person, grounds you in every single moment you are experiencing, makes you able to give it to others who aren’t lucky enough to experience it and yes, it makes you calm. It was the thing I’ve wished for on my birthday, maybe because it was the only thing that couldn’t be bought with all the money in the world.

And I got it. I got it the moment I saw you leaning against that street lantern looking like an angel in the dim light, so breathtakingly gorgeous that I’m sure I stopped breathing for a few moments and I still stop breathing every time you smile at me, every time I realize that I’m actually lucky enough to be with this beautiful, perfect, absolutely wonderful boy I don’t deserve in the slightest, every time you tell me you love me too.

I wouldn’t blame you if you said no now after this terrible nonsense I talked, but I have never been so sure about what I wanted before than I am now about this so before I embarrass myself anymore I’m just going to ask you.”

Harry’s mouth had slightly parted by now in expectation, the questions written all over his face along with the slow understanding of what was about to happen. Mesmerized he watched as Louis got up from the couch to get on his knees where he was sitting before he pulled out the little brown box with curved, golden letters to reveal a black ring in it framed in silver.

“I don’t know when and I don’t know where we’ll be able to do this, but I promise you that we will and that I’ll do everything in my power to make it the most perfect day of your life.”

He stopped briefly, smiling as he saw Harry clapping his hands in front of his mouth at the sight, eyes brimming with tears.

“Harry Edward Styles will you marry me?”  
There were a few seconds of torturous silence, Harry frozen in the same posture as before, his gaze wandering from the box to his face and just when Louis slowly began to wonder if he had done something wrong he pulled his hands from his face to reveal a beaming smile a moment before he came down to kneel with him on the floor, his lips finding Louis’ naturally between a breathless string of “Yes”.

It might not have been the best speech or the most perfect occasion, but it was them and Louis knew that he had never been happier than in this moment when he knew that he would be able to share his whole life with the boy shaking with emotions in his arms now, hearts united in one, steady beat just like they always had been.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it and it'd be great if you left me a kudo or comment so I can see if I should continue this. This is my tumblr in case you want to drop by and say hi: http://wordwhisper.tumblr.com/.


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